But I Know What It Feels Like

This post is going to be awfully vulnerable and hard for me, but I really want to finally say it out loud. I got permission for my daughter to post about it.

My oldest has had some big hurdles thrown her way. She was diagnosed with unilateral hearing loss at 6 weeks old. Then she was diagnosed with ADHD in 1st grade. We were able to manage this with medicine fairly well, and we saw some improvements.

Then, puberty happened.

Not only did it make her ADHD medicine less effective, she was showing signs of other things. I've been asked by several parents if Jill has Autism. None of her teachers have every asked, so I don't know how I feel about being asked that multiple times. I know ADHD and autism can have overlapping signs, so I don't think we'll go through the process of getting her an official diagnosis unless she asks in the future. Even if she was on the spectrum, she would be dealing with mostly social/emotional issues. Jill was showing signs of something far scarier; depression and anxiety. 

She began picking at her bumpy skin on the back of her arm. Then she would just refuse to interact with anyone except for her brother. Then something happened in March.

The last day of school before spring break, I was subbing. Jill had done something rude to her teachers the day before, so Phil made her apologize to both of them in front of him so he knew she did it properly. Once school was done, we left for Dallas for a Taekwondo tournament David was competing in. About 40 minutes into our trip, I got a call from the school counselor telling me Jill had mentioned killing herself sometime in the future to a few of her classmates. I almost threw up. We talked some more, then Phil and I pulled over to talk. We spoke with Jill, and determined she was safe per the moment. I called my sister-in-law who is a psychiatrist for a hospital. She talked me through everything, and I felt like we had a solid plan. The whole Dallas trip was a blur between getting David ready and keeping my eyes on Jill at all times. We had a good trip, but I worried about going home. What would happen then? Could I still keep my eyes on her? Could I trust that she would be ok?

Over the next week, we talked ad nauseum to Jill. The three of us came to the conclusion that Jill was overexaggerating to show just how deeply she felt. She was so embarrassed about the apology we made her do that she just figured that was the only way to stop feeling that. Jill hates feeling any emotion that is not joy or calm. Anger and sadness are a weakness in her eyes, and she just wants to shove all those things down. It took 4 months, and a bajillion phone calls to get on waitlists, but we finally found a counselor for her that she seems to enjoy talking to. She has had those types thoughts two other times since March, but we were able to talk her through them. She told me that they are usually a fleeting thought, so she never makes a plan or anything like that. I hope she's being honest with me.

In full transparency, I've struggled with those thoughts too. I have always hated pain, so I knew I'd never go through with it. Even to this day I have thoughts that my family would be better off without me and I should just disappear and start over somewhere. These thoughts have been with me for as long as I can remember, so I understand them. Feeling things deeply is my every day reality. The difference is I never struggled with impulse control the way Jill does. 

I'm going to be really honest and say that I am terrified. I am so worried that whatever we do won't be enough and I will lose her. My faith is being tested in a way I never thought I'd have to. I don't know if I can trust God to keep her from making a fatal impulsive decision. I don't know if I ever will. All I can do is take a single step forward everyday. Some days it's only my big toe that goes anywhere, while other days I take a big step. I just hope what we are doing will be enough to give her the support and help she needs.

- Courtney

"Papercut" by Linkin Park

*Mic Tap*

Hello there, old friends!

It has been quite awhile since I last came to this space I call home. Much has happened, and I couldn't even have a fighting chance of knowing where to start. So I'll simply start here.

I have contemplated coming back multiple times, but I always stopped. What stopped me?

1) I have the tendency of assuming that, if the people I care about seem to be doing well in my absence, then my reappearance would only hinder them. It seems silly, I know. I've been working on it, truly. However, I just couldn't handle it if someone I care for suddenly starts struggling once I'm making an effort to be in their life again. I would decide it is entirely my fault, and back away again. I'm even crying as I type this because I know it's not 100% true. I just want what is best for people, and it easy to assume that I'm not that.

2) As a family, we've had a lot of things happen/change in the last few years. The main things are we have official diagnoses, and a few that are not official. Our kiddos struggle a lot socially, and it can take up most of my emotional and energy stores for the day just to make it to bedtime. It's the burden of having to navigate really tough situation with their social lives and emotional health. I feel very depleted at the end of the day, and I just couldn't find it in me to write anything. I also am still trying to recover from disordered eating. I got to almost 300 pounds, and now I'm just under 250 for the first time in years. I still struggle with believing I am worthy of nutrition even if the number isn't budging. It's hard to be hungry and want to eat, but to be afraid of it. That's why teaching proper nutrition and making food morally neutral for my children is so important to me.

3) Due to some big challenges I've faced the last 4 years, what was once music in me turned to noise. I lost my love of singing and music. I lost my confidence in my ability to serve in a church capacity. I began to question my entire life path from the last 10 years because I had to. My confidence in myself as a person, as a worker, as a volunteer, as a human being worthy of love was just flipped in the air. And the worst part about all of that was I was then made to believe that I was just overreacting to these things and no one truly did anything wrong. I am still flabbergasted. 

4) I didn't know if I could. I didn't know if I had enough in me to write. 

I truly missed writing, and we've had some goodness along the way. I am a completely different person than I was when I began blogging, but this is especially true of the last time I posted. I'm almost afraid of who I am now because I'm still getting to know her. She is wounded, and way more cynical than past Courtney, but past Courtney is still in there somewhere. I still love people and wish them all the best and happiness in the world. 

So here's to the new me, the one who is reappearing. The nearing-40 year old who wants to feel and give as much love as she can. I hope this post find you well <3

- Courtney