Saturday, January 28, 2012

Friends

Today Jillian got to meet her godparents! We hung out/admired the bebe for a few hours, then went to eat at a nice pizzeria. It was great to catch up with these two in person :) Carrie and I keep up very regularly through Twitter, Facebook, and this here blog since they live in San Diego. We're hoping to hang out one more time before they fly home. Plus, it was nice to be with adults in a relaxing setting and have adult conversations. Not that we don't love being just the three of us and talking baby talk ;)

 {Sweet feet}

{My day yesterday consisted of medicine, trying to stay hydrated and watching Netflix through the Xbox}

{We had a quick picture time before Carrie and Jon came over} 

{Precious baby girl} 

{LOVE! Best smile and it was all for her daddy :)}

{Bonding with Carrie} 

{Jon was a natural holding her!}

{Jillian with her godparents} 

{Such a cute photo}

I hope y'all are having a great weekend so far!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Dr Visit

{Waiting for the doctor}

It looks like Miss Jillian does in fact have reflux. Dr. V says he usually doesn't do much for it, but since she had her little breathing episode, he prescribed some liquid Zantac! He said there will be a little improvement right away, but it will take about 2 full weeks for it to significantly help. Jillian has spit up a lot today, but she doesn't seem to make her sour face as often. Of course, her next well appoint is soon, (Feb. 14th), so he'll make sure it's still working. Also, Jillian is 9 lbs exactly :)  I hope the Zantac continues to help her.

The photo was also taken after I calmed her down. You see, she unfortunately met her new friend, the rectal thermometer, and was not a happy camper. I sure hope she appreciates the underarm thermometer now! I don't think I could ever do that to her at home, no matter how accurate it is. She has a size 1 diaper on in the photo because she was started to leak a little bit with newborn size. However, the 1s are still a little big. We're in the lovely in between stage for now.

I didn't sleep very well last night just because I checked on her breathing even more than I did when she was first born. That episode yesterday really scared me and I think it's gonna take me awhile to not worry when she sleeps. She slept in her swing last night and did really well :) It's nice to know it's a back up if we need to.

Today she spit up on her tummy time mat, so I picked her up and held her a little bit. Once she seemed fine, we tried again. I was writing something down when I heard her sneeze. Without looking up, I said "Bless you baby!" and finished what I was doing. After that, I looked over to check on her and saw a small damp spot near her face. Assuming she spit up again, I picked her up. I looked at her face and saw spit up all around her mouth and nose. We gave up on tummy time after that. 

{It is still the sweetest thing when she falls asleep in my arms}

Tomorrow Jill will get to finally meet her godparents, Carrie and Jon! We haven't seen both of them for over a year and Carrie since August. Hopefully Jillian will be alert and not too spit up-y :)

Happy Friday!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Scary Morning

I'm pretty sure I lost about 5 years of my life this morning.

Let me explain. Yesterday, Phil woke up feeling really icky. His symptoms sounded a lot like allergies so he went to work as normal. I covered my office for a few hours with Ms. Jillian and she did pretty well, minus her poop explosion during the 20 minutes people decided to sudden call and do some work :-/ I'm just glad I had a new outfit for her in the diaper bag! Anyways, Phil brought me some lunch and he was doing much worse. He made the decision to use his inhaler and finish his experiment instead of just going home to relax. When I got off work, I decided to pamper my poor sick hubby. I changed the sheets, set up his slippers, clean pjs, two of his favorite TV shows on DVD with the remote next to his pillow, a clean towel so he could shower, a large cup of cold ginger ale, chicken soup for his dinner and a Snickers bar in case he felt better later :) Just to be safe, I told him Jillian and I would sleep in the living room so she's not around his germs all night.

The evening went well overall. I was able to bathe Jill by myself and get her and Phil fixed up for the night. I was feeling pretty good about myself!

Then Jillian woke up at 5 a.m. to feed. I gave her close to 5 ounces and she burped decently, though not as good as she usually does. After about 45 minutes, I decided to just lay her back in the Pack n Play to sleep a little longer. From about 6:15 to 8:20, she slept soundly. When I woke up around 7:50, I checked on her and she had a large spit up pool near her head! I moved her and suddenly realized that she had spit up SO much that it matted her hair on her left side, was on her left ear and was all around her mouth :( Talk about feeling like a mommy-fail! Even though she had all of this, she was still sound asleep and breathing well. I cleaned her off and she was still drowsy so I left her in the Pack n Play. By that point, Phil was up and wanted breakfast and the cats tried to kill me and wouldn't shut up did too. After giving Phil some buttered toast, I fed the cats. As I was putting the food bag back in the pantry, I scanned Jillian's Pack n Play to check on her as I usually do any time I walk past it.

What happened next scared me more than anything.

She was not breathing properly - as in she was giving short gasps in, but not exhaling. She also had clear bubbles around her mouth and she was lightly kicking her legs. My first thought was, "Oh my God, she's having a seizure!" Then for some reason, I decided no matter what was up, she couldn't breathe which was NOT a good sign. I yelled for Phil's help and picked her up into over-the-shoulder burping position. Her body was very rigid and it was making me even more nervous! She wasn't blue or anything, but I think that is partially because I caught it so fast. Phil watched me thump her for about 45 seconds before he took her and we grabbed her syringe bulb. We cleared her mouth several times, then syringed her nose and she finally started to cry! How can something sound so sad, but so beautiful at the same time? Poor baby also had a poop explosion as we cleared her mouth. After that, she was breathing normally again. We changed her and took her temperature - a normal 97.6.

I called the doctor just to let them know what happened. The triage nurse said it sounds like reflux or GERD.  She gave me a few tips to help her for now, but said the main "cure" is time so that her esophagus can get longer and her system becomes more mature. She did tell Dr. V who decided he wanted to look at her himself just for peace of mind. As a first time mom, I absolutely appreciate having a pediatrician like this!! So we are going at 4:15 today and getting her checked out. Phil won't be able to come, but I'm confident that I can do it myself.

I just feel so bad for Jillian. Girlfriend can't seem to catch a break right now :( She fell asleep for another 2 hours after the incident and then only ate 4 ounces. Then she spit up 2 more times, but not to the degree she did earlier. She's also passing a lot of gas. Hopefully the doctor can help her a little bit.

Phil is feeling a little better, but still needs his rest. I hope everyone will start to feel better tomorrow.

{At work with mama pre-poop explosion}

{After the excitement this morning}

Oh baby girl, you have got to stop scaring mama like this. She has enough gray/white hairs for now and she's gonna worry enough about you the rest of her life. Let's hope Dr. V will help you out and give mama peace of mind for a while... or at least until your next well appointment :) I love you. - Your mama

Monday, January 23, 2012

6 Weeks

My baby is 6 weeks old :) I think she's going through a growth spurt so she's still having some erratic sleeping patterns mixed in with some serious crankiness. The nice thing? She is still smiling more and I finally got it on my camera! I've been trying for 2ish weeks now, but I finally have something to show for it :)

The other morning, Jillian was sleeping while laying on her good ear. Phil started to do something noisy, (I think it was grinding coffee beans), and Jillian flinched and roused a little bit! I tend to forget that she's not completely deaf in her right ear so that was a nice reminder.

My 6 week post-partum check up is tomorrow morning. I'm hoping everything is good because I'm still pretty sore. I'm also curious to see what Dr. V says about labor and delivery. Knowing that I was a good pusher, but that my pelvis is small and barely handled Jillian's size, I wonder what she'll have to say or if she'll even really say anything. I guess I'll find out! Hopefully I'll remember to take along a birth announcement for her board of babies :)

Here are some pictures from the last 24 hours of my sweet girl at 6 weeks. She's making the funniest faces lately!
{I crack up every time I see this picture!} 

{Ready to go outside in the wind} 

{One of the many faces she made while we watched Downton Abbey

{HAHAHA Again, watching Downton Abbey though she could have reacted to me being silly}

{Posing with the lion my brother gave her for Christmas! She looks a little apprehensive here HAHA} 

{Grr Baby!} 

{She was petting him :)} 

 {I think she likes him!}

{My smile capture! Yes, she is almost asleep, but it still counts}

Happy Monday!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Quick Video

Just something quick since someone named Jillian has been very clingy/fussy the past 3 days. I don't know if it's just lots of gas or what, but baby girl is very cranky and I've had a rough time calming her down. Maybe she can sense that mama has been a little off later. I'm hopeful it's either a growth spurt or something that will resolve sooner than later.

I was telling my mom the other day about how Jillian does this thing where, if she's alert enough, she will clasp her hands together near her face and move her head all around when she's hungry. It's as if she's saying "Oh please, oh please feed me mama!" It's so cute! Well, girlfriend seems to understand when we're trying to get pictures or record her and stops whatever she's doing at the time. What a sugar booger ;) The following video is the closest thing I've gotten to her doing her begging expression. Ignore the mommy-voice and attempts to get her to do it.


Hope you're having a great weekend!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Thank You

Thank you for the sweet comments, tweets, text messages, etc. Everyday is new day and I am recovering emotionally. I am still really sore all over from all the tears I cried Tuesday, but even that is slowly subsiding. Again, I just never want Jill to feel like she's second best or damaged goods. She is the most perfect Jillian Rose and she is still my amazing daughter that is incredibly loved by so many people!!

Also, I don't know what changed, but I can now reply to your comments easier! I think before I was just an idiot and couldn't figure it out consistently. I promise you that I am thankful for every comment and every friendship I've made :)

Since I don't have much to add for now, here is more eye candy for your viewing pleasure!

{Since it was so cold the day of her appointment, we had to bust out the snowsuit for Jillian. Phil decided she looked like the kid brother from A Christmas Story since it was so huge on her!}

{Sweet face being swallowed by her outfit} 

{Sleeping so sweetly yesterday morning} 

{I covered my office for about 2 hours yesterday and apparently working makes someone really sleepy}

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Results

Our appointment for Jill's hearing screening did not go as expected. Bear with me as I get through this.

Essentially, her left ear is perfect. Her right ear has moderate-severe to severe hearing loss. That means she is not completely deaf in that ear, but it's pretty bad. Fortunately for her, with one good ear she shouldn't have any issues with her speech and language development. It will be hard for her once she starts school so she may or may not need a hearing aid for that ear. We go back in 2 1/2 months for another test to see how things are. They don't want any more loss or for her left ear to experience any loss. We received a card for some ear doctors and we had lots of information thrown at us.

I know this is not the end of the world. I know that she is otherwise healthy and will be with us for several years. It's still such a blow to us. We have no family history of this. I had no difficulties with my pregnancy that would have caused this.

However, I am taking it pretty hard. You just don't expect this to happen to you and your child. I went through so many scenarios of what I could have done to cause this. What I didn't do enough of to prevent it. In the end, I know this isn't my fault. It would have happened no matter what and she is still my beautiful little girl. If I could take her place, I absolutely would. I would sacrifice my sight, my hearing, anything to give her 100% hearing.

I worry about her being teased by other kids if she wears hearing aids. I worry about the teasing if they figure out she can't hear on one side. I worry she'll be frustrated if she's not musically inclined since both Phil and I are very much so. I worry she'll have trouble in school. I worry any future children we have will have this problem or worse.

My mom pointed out that she won't know any different for quite awhile. She will just know how she hears things. I also know that this is upsetting me more than it is her. She's not in pain and it doesn't change who she is.

I won't lie... I have cried several times already. I am scared. I am worried. I am angry. In a sense, I am mourning. Not only am I mourning for the opportunities I fear Jillian will miss out on, I am mourning for my expectations as a mother. No longer will my days be noted by leisurely play dates, trying new foods, and learning to walk. It will include trips to the speech pathologist, the ear doctor, and playing games specifically to help Jillian's speech.

Deep down, I know that I have the strength to do this. I will do anything for my daughter. I just need a little time to be sad and scared. I just need to let it all out so I can be there for her. I will not let this define her. I will not let it hold me down. We will be alright.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Big Step, Hearing Test, and Pictures

Yesterday Phil and I took a big step... we visited a new church. If you've suffered through read my long winded about me, I explain that Phil and I both grew up in Christian homes. However, we are different denominations. This doesn't cause much issue for us because we agree on the basics of our faith. The main differences for us involve weekly service specifics. Since we have both been very active in whatever church we are members of, we've just attended our own service with the exception of a few Sundays a year. Now that Jillian is here, we really feel that God is leading us to find a church home together. We are excited for this part of our faith journey, but we are both a little nervous about. Despite our feelings of uncertainty, someone was looking particularly cute last Sunday! {And I'm not talking about my husband ;)}

{All newborn clothes and oh so cute!} 
 {Even though the shadow of the bear mobile made it hard to edit, I love her face in this shot}
 {Someone is getting better at finding her hands}
{My favorite/the closest thing I can get to a smile on camera}

Tomorrow we have an appointment with a hearing center for Jillian. I can't remember if I mentioned this or not, but Jillian failed her newborn hearing screening at the hospital. Well, only her right ear did. They did the screening the morning after she was born and her left ear passed quickly, but her right ear failed. Then they tested one more time the next day before we checked out and the same thing happened. Her right ear did better, but still failed. Jill's Dr. V had us make an appointment with a special clinic to do it again a few weeks later. We realized later that her right side may have just been full of fluid. Jillian's right eye had a clogged tear duct that finally cleared up about 2 weeks ago. We're hopeful that means her right ear will pass this time. Even if it fails again, that doesn't necessarily mean anything really bad. It is still a little scary for me as a new mama. 

For good measure, here's a little more eye candy for some smiles :)

 {Tummy time consisted of Jill licking her hand instead of lifting her head. That's right, licking}
{Sweet baby girl}

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Thankful for the Mundane

This post is going to get pretty deep in terms of my faith, so I'll give you a little eye candy before I start in case you want to skip :)

 {Taking a nap after the grandparents went home}
{Melt my heart!}
{Lounging on her Boppy pillow :)}

I'm sure you've heard of or watched the video that is circulating around Facebook right now. I've watched it and I did enjoy it. It made me think about my faith. Ever since I decided to start fully relying on God, I try to evaluate where I am every so often to see what I want to work on. My main focus last year was sharpening my prayer skills. I especially wanted to be sure to thank him everyday for my pregnancy and the ability to carry our child since I know so many who can't. 

The other day, I was driving down the highway when I started to listen to "Good Life" by OneRepublic. I looked in my review mirror at Jillian who was fast asleep and I couldn't help but smile. It made me realize that she makes my life so good and I can't wait to see what else is in store for our family. It made me so thankful that God blessed us with her.

Recently, we set up an iPod deck with my pink iPod nano. I've made it Jillian's iPod for now because I have too many songs to put them all on the 16GB nano. Plus, this way I have programed Jillian appropriate songs :) I have artists that I feel comfortable having her listen to before she's a teenager. Some of the songs are of course contemporary Christian songs. I used the genius button using "Our God" by Chris Tomlin and it's been playing as I get ready for the day. It has turned into a little devo time/dance party in my bathroom the last two days :) Anyways, I sat down to talk to God yesterday morning and suddenly I realized something... I am being a fair-weather Christian.

Now, I'm hardly a fair-weather anything. I mean, if you like teams like the Kansas City Royals (or Chiefs), you understand the concept of loyalty. I've also never been the type to be a fair-weather friend. I strive to be the best friend that I can by being there no matter what. It's just not my thing to be like that.

Before my big revelation in April of 2009, I knew God existed. The only problem was, I just treated him as something that existed and nothing more. I prayed when asked in church, but I never did it on my own unless something was wrong. How often does this happen when faith is shallow? It's so easy to only talk to God when things aren't going our way, or when someone close to us dies. That's not really relying on God at all and it's a trap so many fall into.

Once I decided on a youth retreat that I was tired of having a bitter heart, I started trying to thank God as often as I could. I thought of all those years I had trouble with dating and worried I'd end up alone. I worried that no one would love me as much as I loved them. I not only got married, but I've married my best friend who treats me even better than I deserve. I married a man that God made just for me. In the months I was pregnant, I thought of my two miscarriages and how I worried we wouldn't be able to have children. I worried my body would not be able to carry any children at all, let alone to term. Then God showed me yet again that his plan and his timing are perfect. I not only got pregnant with a healthy baby, but I carried her to term and I had a wonderful birth experience. I was thanking God for all the blessings poured on me. All the blessings I knew I didn't deserve since I am a sinner.

That's when it hit me - I'm thanking God for the big things in my life. I turn to him when I'm having issues and have no idea what to do next. Don't get me wrong, I know God is happy I am doing this. I know God loves when His children turn to Him in thankfulness and grief. You know what? Those big things don't happen that often. I'm only getting married once. If we're blessed enough to do this again, I may only give birth one or two more times. 

What about all those times nothing particularly great happens? What about every morning when I wake up to a new day? This is what I mean by fair-weather Christian. I don't want this part of my personal faith journey to be a phase. I don't want to only feel this happy and close to God because He has blessed me greatly. I want to thank God for the mundane. I want to thank Him for waking me up in the morning. I want to thank him for the roof over my head, the car I own that I can afford gas to put in it, the washer and dryer that works despite the loud squeaks it makes as it runs, and the food in my working fridge.

More than anything, I want to be the type of Christian that is aware of my blessings, no matter how small. I don't want to run to God for my trials and large blessings. He does so much more for me and He does it every single day. 

I know I'm going to mess up. I know that I'll be forgetful from time to time, especially when I'm having a rough day. It will be a lifelong struggle to remember that I should be thankful for all these things. I just hope God gives me the ability to recognize when I'm being selfish and remind me to be thankful for the mundane.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Jillian: {One Month}


Jillian –
You are one month old today! Although I can’t believe it has already been a full month since you came into the world, I must admit that some days make me feel like I’ve lived a few years. We’ll chalk it up to the lack of sleep this mama has dealt with :)

According to our measurements at home, you are 8 lbs, 4 oz and 21 inches long. The last time you were officially measured at 2 weeks & 3 days and you were 7lbs, 4 oz, and 20 ¾ inches long.

You are still in newborn clothing, but they are getting a little snug. This is mostly due to the fact that you’re so long! We tried a few 0-3 month outfits and they’re still way too big for you. You are also still in newborn diapers.

As far as feedings go, you eat 3 - 4 oz every 3ish hours. You ate a combination of breast milk and formula for about 3 weeks, but mama’s supply ran out. You tried a different formula to help with spit up, but it really messed up your poop schedule. We switched back and you’re back to pooping once every other day and you seem to like it better.

When you’re hungry, you let us know. The only downside? You don’t realize you’re hungry until you are starving. You give us about 3 minutes to work on warming up your bottle before you start crying loudly. Even when you cry, you don’t cry for a long time.

You used to cry really hard at bath time. Mommy and Daddy were worried about putting you in the big tub, so we were sponge bathing you until about 3 weeks. I think you were just really cold. Now that we put you in the tub with warm water, you don’t really fuss until we wash your hair.  Once you’re dry and dressed, you’re a happy baby!

You won’t cry if you’re wet or dirty, but you don’t like diaper changes. The worst part for you is the end when we’re fastening the new diaper on. You start to squirm so much that it takes longer to finish up. We also think the wipes are too cool for you, but we’re not entirely sure. You seem to like thicker wipes better so we may switch soon.

Hiccups were occurring almost after every feeding up until about a week ago. Now they occur once a day if at all. They don’t bother you, but they make your mama feel so bad for you. Then again, mama doesn’t like getting the hiccups herself.

You make the funniest faces! You can do an Elvis sneer, the stink eye, smile, kissy face, and you love to stick out your tongue. If we’re making faces back at you, you think it’s fun for about a minute before you get upset.

Sometimes when you cry, it’s just this short little spurt as if you’re just yelling “Hey!”

You sleep for 3-4 hour stretches. Sometimes it’s closer to 2 hours because you like to stay up and hang out with your parents. You also do a fake-out where you start to doze off, and then you become wide-eyed as soon as we lay you down in your bassinet/packnplay/swing. As of 3 weeks, you go to sleep between 9:45 p.m. and 11 p.m. and will sleep until 2 or 2:30 a.m.!

Tummy time is fine with you as long as you have to do it for about 10 minutes. After that, you’re done. However, you have been able to turn your head from side to side, and lift your head a bit since you were 1 ½ weeks! Sometimes you don’t even lift your head and just start moving your arms and legs. It seems like you’d rather skip everything else and just start crawling now. I have a feeling I’m going to have to watch you like a hawk once you’re mobile :)

Even when you are fussy with us, you have such a sweet personality. You love to be around us. You usually want to be held every so often just so you know we’re there. You can drift off to sleep in our arms and be perfectly happy.

You’ve already been to three restaurants, church, and Target twice wrapped up in the Moby wrap. You are so happy in the wrap and usually are sleeping within a few minutes of being in there.

You fall asleep in the car seat easily if we’re on the highway. If we’re driving the city streets, you’re usually in need of your pacifier to calm you down. It must be the frequent starts and stops.

Christmas was the first holiday you got to celebrate! You got to see both sets of grandparents, (one via Skype), your Uncle Mike, and your Uncle Mike & Aunt Jessica. You got lots of great gifts and you were such a sport for you mama who kept changing your outfit to take pictures. You also got a midnight kiss on New Year’s Eve from both your daddy and mama!

I can’t wait for the next month and the next and the next as you continue to grow and show off your wonderful personality! You’re such a joy and I’m one proud mama. Love you baby girl :)

 Now for some outtakes :)
{Making faces}

 {Thinking hard about something}

 {Leaning to the side}

 {Starting to fall...}

{and we're officially done taking photos HAHA}

{Mama wears me out}

But I Know What It Feels Like

This post is going to be awfully vulnerable and hard for me, but I really want to finally say it out loud. I got permission for my daughter ...