Friday, January 21, 2011

I'm Biting On My Tongue...


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This has been on my heart for awhile now. I've started this post several times and chickened out. So let me be completely and utterly honest about the human side of me :)
What’s in a name?
I find it interesting that people put so much emphasis on names. Whether you love or hate your name, or if you’ll date someone because of his or her name. Then, when you become a parent, it is even more important.
Finding the perfect name for you child is a big, big deal. You might have a family name that you feel obligated to use, or you could pick whatever name you want. You could choose trendy names, old standards or even a familiar one with an alternate spelling. Whatever you choose, you know that it’s going to stick with this child forever. Sure they could legally change their name later in life, but they might not find it worth the effort. Plus you have to think of initials, how the name flows, make sure it doesn’t sound like a stripper/hippie/something snooty… The possibilities are endless.
Even as a young child, I’ve always thought about what I’d name my children. Sure the number of children has gone from 6 to 4, and from all girls to two girls and two boys, but my desire to find a wonderful name has never faltered.
Summer of 2009, when I miscarried really early, I decided to seriously pick out names for our children, just in case. Later that year, I decided that I liked the names so much, I would start to cross-stitch the names. Well, things changed.
When I was pregnant again this past summer, none of the names sounded good anymore. First of all, the middle name for our girl, Grace, was popping up everywhere. Even though I liked the name, I didn’t want her to be lost in a sea of similar names. Then, the first name for our boy, Hunter, was becoming popular in our area, even as a name for a girl! Considering both my first and middle names are unisex, I didn’t want Hunter to be confused. Both names were thrown out the window.
We talked about names and picked our favorites. We were ready to go! Then, as you know, I didn’t get to keep that baby. Though it hurt and we were sad, we thought we’d keep the names around.
About a month and a half before I found out I was pregnant, an extended family member announced she was expecting. Cool! I love family :) They never found out, or at least announced, what the gender was so we had no idea what the name might be. She delivered a healthy baby boy. His name?
The exact first name Phil and I picked for our non-existent baby boy this past summer, (same spelling and everything). I was so mad! The name would have worked better for our, (again non-existent), baby boy! Why does she get to have that name? If she had announced what the name might have been, I wouldn’t have gotten so attached to it and felt this way!
Then, I realized how silly I was being.
I didn’t own that name! Neither of them knew we were considering the name so how could they have “stolen” it? I have no right to tell other people what they should or should not name their child. Even though he might have a new wife by the time we have a baby boy, we could still use the name is we wanted.
Phil and I talked about it and I shook off my hotheaded pride. I don’t need to claim a name for our non-existent children. I know whatever names we choose will work for our children. So unless someone picks the exact first and middle name, (with the exact same spelling), the names we have now will remain the same. I have confidence that, even if someone chooses the same middle or first name, that will not take away how special our children will be to me. I won’t love them any less and I will be overjoyed to have them in my life.
I’m not going to announce the names until I’m pregnant and keep it, or until we adopt a child. That way, I don’t jinx them ;)
So what’s in a name? The heartbreak, the sorrow, the joy, the stress, and the love of the parents that was poured into the thought process for that child. It’s time consuming and a little rough to pick a name for a newborn, but it is always worth it!
Peace to you,
"That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings (still love this song!)

To Be Still And Know...


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This is exactly why I don’t make resolutions.
From the previous list I made, I won’t be accomplishing most of it. Money fell through and we’re not going to Disney World. I still have not made a 101 in 1001 list, and my not get to it AND I started to read a 3rd book for the month in case I lost momentum which ended badly. I partially didn’t like the book period and partially got bored.
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but I love listening to KLOVE. I do still listen to several other stations, but I’ve really been favoring KLOVE lately. Well, apparently they mentioned an idea that started a movement a few years ago that has really caught on. Instead of making a resolution, take as much of the month of January to think and pray about a word to embody for the year. It can be a verb, a noun, or anything really. Once you find your word, do your best to exemplify it throughout the year. I thought if I could figure out a word, I would do that instead. It’s even better, (in my opinion), than having a to-do list for the year. Things, plans, attitudes and life just changes and priorities will follow suit. If I make a to-do list, I run the risk of not accomplishing anything at all.
After I thought about what my word could be, I started becoming very aware of myself. My attitude, my goals, the things I’m stressing about, etc.
Then, it started.
It is my ridiculous imagination. I’ve always had an active imagination. It made for fun evenings and hilarious family anecdotes. However, as an adult, it’s more of a hypochondriac/severe worrier thing. Sometimes it still becomes a funny anecdote, it keeps me from really trusting that things will work out.
Phil and I are starting to realize how soon we will be moving. He thinks he has a date to defend his dissertation, which means Phil is almost done. This means the job hunting begins, quickly followed by moving. We could move to another city in Oklahoma or we could move across the country. We won’t know for sure until Phil gets a job offer.
After what happened this summer, we decided to be more aware of what we’re doing. We talked about it and agreed we didn’t want to purposefully try to have a child until after we’ve moved into a house, (and have it decorated). I even remembered that I never wanted to have children until I was at least 26 before it felt like I wasn't fulfilling my duty as a woman if I didn't have babies immediately. Thanks hometown :-/ This is where it comes back.
I start wondering if I’ll be able to get pregnant. Then I worry that I won’t be able to carry a baby to term. What if I can’t have children? What if I endanger my health and have several more miscarriages? I know losing weight will really help. Then I wonder if it would be worth it to slim way down just to gain pregnancy weight.
Then I do what I do best: make plans. I make plan after plan after plan. I have a back-up plan for the back-up plan. Whatever could possibly happen, I have a way to deal with it because I thought about what to do. Even though this is typical of me and I really enjoy it, this makes me mentally exhausted. I am so tired of trying to come up with scenarios just to make myself feel better. You know what? I think I knew, deep down, that this wouldn’t work.
That is why, after several days and some prayers later, I decided that my word for the year is “Know”. I can use it in so many ways and feel like it will help me become the person I want to become :) “Know” is good for learning something new, or just knowing that God is in charge and He knows what He’s doing. That’s why I’m also including this scripture for myself.

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I’ll put it in my sidebar later so I can see it every time I’m on Blogger! I just pray that God will help me accept the growth I am seeking so that I can not only be a better person, but a better, more trusting Christian.
Peace to you,

But I Have Just Begun...


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*waves* Hello! I’m still here :) I’m just still getting over things. My new schedule, my apparent daily migraine… all kinds of goodness.


It felt like I was going to work, eating, going to sleep. I was feeling good about everything, but I realized I wasn’t doing much else. Then all last week/the beginning of this week, I started getting a migraine around 2:30 and it wouldn’t go away until the next morning, no matter what medicine I took. If anyone has any suggestions, I’d love to hear some! It’s finally no so bad, but it’s not great either.
I have some other changes I will be posting about later. It’s a multi-post day! ;)


Since it is Friday, I will do the Friday Five I meant to do last week. Without further ado, The Five Reasons I’ve Realized I’m Older.


1) My birthday is in late March. I am asking for a $20 label maker… and I’m very excited to use it. I’ve had dreams about how I’m going to use it.


2) I woke up one morning after having gone to bed at 11:30 p.m. instead of around 10 p.m. and felt hung-over. Not just sleepy, and not just groggy. I had the hand-me-some-Pepto, I-feel-like-complete-crap, my-head-is-gonna-explode, what-did-I-do-last-night, my-stomach-will-never-be-the-same, can’t-eat-anything-solid, kind of hung-over that I haven’t felt since the day after my 21st birthday party. I figured out that hung-over is just another term for incredibly tired. If I’m gonna feel like that in the morning, I’d rather have earned it through some fun activities with friends instead of just going to bed an hour later. Yikes.


3) I’m already planning what I want to do for my 30th birthday. Why? It’s a mere 5 years away. So much can happen in 5 years, but hitting the big 2-5 makes me think of other big birthdays and how soon they could be coming. What do I want to do? So far, watch the sunrise on a white sand beach. I want to feel the sand between my pedicured toes :)


4) I now love broccoli. There, I said it. The last few times I’ve eaten out, I’ve ordered broccoli because I wanted it, not because it was low points/good for me.


5) Almost all of the people I hung out with for church youth group stuff are now married. Wow. One is in a very serious relationship, one is dating someone steadily and the other is single, (and my always be). It’s so weird to think about! (but good and exciting :D)


Happy Friday!


Peace to you,

Monday, January 10, 2011

I Taste The Summer...


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What a fantastically full weekend I had :) Wedding show, wedding dress shopping, mall, organizing, cleaning, some TV & martini time... I love this "no school" thing! Didn't get to sleep as much as I hoped, but there's always next weekend.

I was telling Phil what the next meme had and he starting listing them for me! HAHA So, I will do it from his point of view, then do my own list. I hope you enjoy :)

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

According to Phil:

1) Listening
2) Shiny things (aka jewelry)
3) Chocolate
4) Get a job
5) Buy her a house
6) Finish your degree in a timely manner
7) Allow her free reign over the television (HAHA)
8) Remind her you love her more than anything :)

According to me:

1) Listening is probably my number one :) I just like knowing that you're actually paying attention to me and not just going through the motions
2) Family-oriented. Loving you family, no matter how crazy, is very important to me. Also, wanting to create your own family instead of just living an urban lifestyle with no intentions of every having children
3) Manners. If you have manners, we will get along great!
4) Treating people like human beings. I don't care if that person is your worst enemy, the worst waitress you've ever had, it doesn't matter to me. We all have off days and we all are not loved by every single person in the world. You can be cordial.
5) I won't lie, little gifts are nice... even if it's a potato in aluminum foil (I did receive this as a birthday gift once. What can I say? I love potatoes!).
6) If you love Disney movies? That's awesome! Sex and the City? Fantastic. If you have already watched, or are willing to watch "Zorro the Gay Blade" and love it? We're automatically BFFs :D
7) Either dance with me, or watch with admiration as I dance in the car!
8) Honestly, love me for me :)

Peace to you,

"Summersong" by The Decemberists (How I wish it were summer...)

Friday, January 7, 2011

You Are More Than The Sum Of Your Past Mistakes...


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{I thought this was funny since Fridays are good for everyone else ;)}

Oh Friday... am I glad to see you!! Work has been insane this week. I understand it's the first full work week after the holidays. I also understand that it is my first full week of being a full time employee only. Even with these things in mind, I still have had a ridiculous week including, but not limited to: my boss losing ALL his data on his computer, UPS losing a package and NOT owning up to it, lots of overnight shipping requests from the same people. Those were the big things... I'm not even counting the small things! Even with everything that's happened/gone wrong, I still love my job :)

Lucky you, not only am I continuing the 10 day meme, I'm also bringing the Friday Five back! I did get a chance to post because, with yesterday being Epiphany, (aka the 12th day of Christmas), Phil and I went to Target to get some storage boxes, (on clearance for $4.18!), so we can put all our Christmas stuff away. Not only do I want to be better organized this year, I also want to pack things for moving so I don't have to do it more than once this year. Plus, if we end up somewhere where we'll have to live in an apartment, even temporarily, I don't want to wonder what to keep packed/what to unpack, etc. Also, it's easier to determine what to put into storage that way if we need to go that route. After we packed everything away, I wanted to watch the new Grey's Anatomy episode before bed. Once the show was over, I was just exhausted and went straight to bed. I really really liked the episode last night! I won't say anything that spoils it in case any of you haven't seen it, but I was very happy by the end!

So, minus yesterday, I will be doing the 10 day meme! When I talked to my mom yesterday, I had asked if she had seen my new look for the blog and she said"Yes!" Then I asked about the picture up top, (which I did on Picnik and I'm quite proud of it), to which she replied "Oh yeah... it's so big!" HAHA Thanks mom. She then said, "I think I figured out all the people for the 10 things" and then proceeded to guess all of them. She got about 4 or 5 right, which isn't too bad. I just thought it was cute she wanted to go through them all ;) I just love that woman! Now to Day 9!

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

1. I hold grudges. I don't know why, but it's really hard for me to let things go. Even though I tend to trust everyone upon meeting until proven otherwise, it's really hard for me to forgive them once they do break my trust. I guess I figure I can live a happy life without you, so why both giving you multiple chances. I want to work on forgiveness, but I feel it will be a lifelong struggle for me.

2. Most people assume that, with both my parents being ordained ministers, that I've been super religious all my life. This is not true. I've never gone through a period where I didn't believe in God, but I definitely lived quite awhile where he just existed. I didn't particularly lean on Him or trust he'd lead me to my chosen path in life. I rarely prayed, especially in front of others. It wasn't until I decided that I didn't want a bitter heart by blaming God for my parents' move to Minnesota that I truly started to seek Him. I've been very happy ever since :)

3. I don't always salute the flag. This may come as a shock and may even make some of you mad. Don't get me wrong, I FULLY support all soldiers, troops, and the country itself. I am so very thankful that I live in this country. However, a part of me doesn't feel right because I don't want to pledge allegiance to an object when I should only be pledging my allegiance to God alone. I still stand there respectfully, but I don't always put my hand over my heart. Besides, my choice not to salute is a part of what that flag stands for: my freedoms. Again, I mean no disrespect, but it's a matter of personal preference. I do salute sometimes, just not every single time.

4. I had a case of eczema on my eyelids the spring of my freshman year of college. Then, two years ago, I got some bad spots on both my lower calfs that are still slowly fading. When I went to the doctor recently, she informed me that I will probably have eczema my entire life thanks to my pale complexion. Awesome. I'm getting better at putting on lotion daily, but I can always tell when I forget because I get really really itchy.

5. I was a Brownie Girl Scout for one full year. Why just one year? None of the girls, including the one who's mom would pick me up for meetings, liked me. In fact, for our day camps, I was somehow always assigned to clean the toilets. Maybe that's why I don't mind doing it so much now. Anyways, I decided I didn't want to be part of a group that didn't want me there and quit.

6. I like celebrity gossip. I haven't kept up as well over the last 2 years or so, but I love me some good trash :)

7. I want to own as many TV seasons of my favorite shows as I can. Why? So I can switch to basic cable and make my own TV line ups!

8. Since I have worked in the same office for nearly 2 years, I know more about toilets than you ever cared to know. If you ever want to know about some good, higher end toilets, send me a message and I'll be happy to indulge you :)

9. I hate coconut. I used to say I was allergic so no one would even try to give me anything with coconut in it. I hate the taste, the texture, the whole shebang. Ew ew ew.


Now on to my Friday Five. I figured I would do the 5 Things I Want to Accomplish in 2011! I've explained before that I usually make goals instead of resolutions because that seems to fit my personality better :)

1. Read 2 books max a month and write a post about each one. I'm a fairly slow reader so I figured making it 2 max would make me feel better if a particular book takes awhile to get through. I've already read "Mennonite in a Little Black Dress" and will be starting "Jurassic Park" today!

2. Eat better so that I can treat my body better. I don't want to make a goal weight or anything like that, even though I know I need to lose a lot. However, just eating correctly will help. Also, with what I call my "new body", I can't/shouldn't eat certain things because it makes me unbearably sick. If I treat my body with respect, I should a) feel better in general and b) lose some weight.

3. Make a 101 in 1001 list. I figured it's similar to an ultimate bucket/to-do list so I think I'm going to finally do one. I just hope I can come up with that many things!

4. Move in the most organized fashion I can manage.

5. Go to Disney World for our anniversary!! Yes! It won't be happening on my 25th birthday, BUT it will still be this year! As long as we get the funds we should, we can afford to drive to Disney World and have 3 FULL days at the park! Though, we may spend one of those days at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, but we'll see :) This is probably my favorite goal, and I'm sure you know why ;)

Happy Friday everyone!!

Peace to you,

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Runnin' 'Round Leaving Scars...


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This is all I'm going to say about the game last night:

Although we didn't keep our cool and made some mistakes, we played a damn good game. Just when everyone thought it was over, we made the Ohio State fans crap their pants. We almost did it, but we didn't. We fought the good fight and we did a great job. However, some of those Ohio State players should not have been playing in the first place. Only two penalties were called on the Buckeyes the entire game. That was bull. So considering everything that was against us, we played hard to the very end. I'm still very proud of my Hogs :) WOOOO PIG SOOIE!

Moving on...

For something a little more fun, I thought I'd do a little meme. I used to do them ALL the time when I had Xanga and LJ, but really haven't done one in quite some time. It's ten days of... random, I guess ;)

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

1. I will never be able to find the right words to express my love for you. Your love strengthens me and makes me feel safe. I love you and I thank God for you :)

2. You always made me believe that you believed in me. You gave me a false sense of hope in our relationship and my abilities. I hate that I can't look at you the same anymore. I don't know why you seemed to only pick me out to dislike so much. It may never make sense.

3. I promise, even though I'm not going to be an opera superstar, to still buy that baby grand for the choir room, just like I did nearly 7 years ago. Thank you for all you did for me then, and now!

4. I may never get over what happened, but I still wish you well. I also hope I never have to see you in person again.

5. You truly surprised me. I was set on disliking you forever and I can relate to you even more now. Thank you for your compassion to me and for being a good sister :)

6. I don't trust you and I may never. I won't be rude, but don't expect anymore hoop-jumping from me.

7. Sometimes I wish you'd talk more. However, it makes me appreciate when you do... unless you're making fun of me HAHA

8. We've been through some tough times, but that's because we're so alike. Never fear, I will always be there just as you have been my entire life. Love you to the moon and back!

9. If there is one person in this world I would move mountains for, it would be you. Mostly to make us closer geographically, but metaphorically as well :)

10. I want to be you someday. Your disposition, your attitude on life and your willingness to make things happen & to be happy is so inspiring to me. Thank you for being in my life!

Peace to you,

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Carry On With All Your Might...


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Oh yes... I've been waiting a long time for today!! I can't wait for the game tonight :D This year, the south will show just how sweet we are ;)

I won't lie, I'm a little nervous about the game. Ohio State is a good team and they could get a little rough on the field. However, I have faith my Hogs will still beat them and bring the prize home!! My prediction is 29-24 (though a blow out would be a nice surprise)

LET'S CALL THOSE HOGS!!!!


ARKANSAS! RAZORBACKS!



GO HOGS GO!!!


Peace to you,

Sunday, January 2, 2011

But We've Wandered Many A Weary Foot, Since Auld Lang Syne...


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Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

I'm sure you were wondering where I was all this time. Even if you were not, I'm gonna tell you anyways!

Phil and I slowly drove up to Minnesota for a White Christmas. After spending a few days there, we headed to Phil's parents house. All in all, we had a great time. Although it required lots of driving, sometimes in not very good weather, I was so happy we go to go and I got to spend Christmas with my folks :) I got a lot of great things I asked for, but most importantly, I got to have some well deserved time off with people I love.

We had a quiet New Year's Eve at home, but after our long trip it was just what Phil and I needed. We got Chinese food, toasted to the New Year and went to bed. Then we woke up the next morning and made Eggs Benedict from scratch. It was delicious!

It's nice knowing I'm a working girl now. I've been looking forward to this for awhile now. I've always been more happy to work 8-5 than going to class for part of the day. Plus, I now don't have to stretch myself thin unless I want to.

As I have said before, I don't like to make resolutions because I'm not good at keeping them. Instead I have a list of goals for the year that I share later, (mostly because I'm finishing it up).

Before I go, I did take a few quick videos of my family walking on water on Christmas! HAHA It was really cold and much windier than I thought it was going to be. Almost got a brain freeze because I didn't wear a hat :-/ Luckily, my dad had a hat and a hood and let me wear his hat on the way back to the car. It was lots of fun though :) p.s. Please ignore my attempts to do a Minnesota accent. I do it because I think it's funny, but it's not really lol Enjoy!




Peace to you,

But I Know What It Feels Like

This post is going to be awfully vulnerable and hard for me, but I really want to finally say it out loud. I got permission for my daughter ...