It has been quite awhile since I last came to this space I call home. Much has happened, and I couldn't even have a fighting chance of knowing where to start. So I'll simply start here.
I have contemplated coming back multiple times, but I always stopped. What stopped me?
1) I have the tendency of assuming that, if the people I care about seem to be doing well in my absence, then my reappearance would only hinder them. It seems silly, I know. I've been working on it, truly. However, I just couldn't handle it if someone I care for suddenly starts struggling once I'm making an effort to be in their life again. I would decide it is entirely my fault, and back away again. I'm even crying as I type this because I know it's not 100% true. I just want what is best for people, and it easy to assume that I'm not that.
2) As a family, we've had a lot of things happen/change in the last few years. The main things are we have official diagnoses, and a few that are not official. Our kiddos struggle a lot socially, and it can take up most of my emotional and energy stores for the day just to make it to bedtime. It's the burden of having to navigate really tough situation with their social lives and emotional health. I feel very depleted at the end of the day, and I just couldn't find it in me to write anything. I also am still trying to recover from disordered eating. I got to almost 300 pounds, and now I'm just under 250 for the first time in years. I still struggle with believing I am worthy of nutrition even if the number isn't budging. It's hard to be hungry and want to eat, but to be afraid of it. That's why teaching proper nutrition and making food morally neutral for my children is so important to me.
3) Due to some big challenges I've faced the last 4 years, what was once music in me turned to noise. I lost my love of singing and music. I lost my confidence in my ability to serve in a church capacity. I began to question my entire life path from the last 10 years because I had to. My confidence in myself as a person, as a worker, as a volunteer, as a human being worthy of love was just flipped in the air. And the worst part about all of that was I was then made to believe that I was just overreacting to these things and no one truly did anything wrong. I am still flabbergasted.
4) I didn't know if I could. I didn't know if I had enough in me to write.
I truly missed writing, and we've had some goodness along the way. I am a completely different person than I was when I began blogging, but this is especially true of the last time I posted. I'm almost afraid of who I am now because I'm still getting to know her. She is wounded, and way more cynical than past Courtney, but past Courtney is still in there somewhere. I still love people and wish them all the best and happiness in the world.
So here's to the new me, the one who is reappearing. The nearing-40 year old who wants to feel and give as much love as she can. I hope this post find you well <3
- Courtney
