This post is going to be awfully vulnerable and hard for me, but I really want to finally say it out loud. I got permission for my daughter to post about it.
My oldest has had some big hurdles thrown her way. She was diagnosed with unilateral hearing loss at 6 weeks old. Then she was diagnosed with ADHD in 1st grade. We were able to manage this with medicine fairly well, and we saw some improvements.
Then, puberty happened.
Not only did it make her ADHD medicine less effective, she was showing signs of other things. I've been asked by several parents if Jill has Autism. None of her teachers have every asked, so I don't know how I feel about being asked that multiple times. I know ADHD and autism can have overlapping signs, so I don't think we'll go through the process of getting her an official diagnosis unless she asks in the future. Even if she was on the spectrum, she would be dealing with mostly social/emotional issues. Jill was showing signs of something far scarier; depression and anxiety.
She began picking at her bumpy skin on the back of her arm. Then she would just refuse to interact with anyone except for her brother. Then something happened in March.
The last day of school before spring break, I was subbing. Jill had done something rude to her teachers the day before, so Phil made her apologize to both of them in front of him so he knew she did it properly. Once school was done, we left for Dallas for a Taekwondo tournament David was competing in. About 40 minutes into our trip, I got a call from the school counselor telling me Jill had mentioned killing herself sometime in the future to a few of her classmates. I almost threw up. We talked some more, then Phil and I pulled over to talk. We spoke with Jill, and determined she was safe per the moment. I called my sister-in-law who is a psychiatrist for a hospital. She talked me through everything, and I felt like we had a solid plan. The whole Dallas trip was a blur between getting David ready and keeping my eyes on Jill at all times. We had a good trip, but I worried about going home. What would happen then? Could I still keep my eyes on her? Could I trust that she would be ok?
Over the next week, we talked ad nauseum to Jill. The three of us came to the conclusion that Jill was overexaggerating to show just how deeply she felt. She was so embarrassed about the apology we made her do that she just figured that was the only way to stop feeling that. Jill hates feeling any emotion that is not joy or calm. Anger and sadness are a weakness in her eyes, and she just wants to shove all those things down. It took 4 months, and a bajillion phone calls to get on waitlists, but we finally found a counselor for her that she seems to enjoy talking to. She has had those types thoughts two other times since March, but we were able to talk her through them. She told me that they are usually a fleeting thought, so she never makes a plan or anything like that. I hope she's being honest with me.
In full transparency, I've struggled with those thoughts too. I have always hated pain, so I knew I'd never go through with it. Even to this day I have thoughts that my family would be better off without me and I should just disappear and start over somewhere. These thoughts have been with me for as long as I can remember, so I understand them. Feeling things deeply is my every day reality. The difference is I never struggled with impulse control the way Jill does.
I'm going to be really honest and say that I am terrified. I am so worried that whatever we do won't be enough and I will lose her. My faith is being tested in a way I never thought I'd have to. I don't know if I can trust God to keep her from making a fatal impulsive decision. I don't know if I ever will. All I can do is take a single step forward everyday. Some days it's only my big toe that goes anywhere, while other days I take a big step. I just hope what we are doing will be enough to give her the support and help she needs.
- Courtney
"Papercut" by Linkin Park
