Thursday, October 29, 2009

You Better Take it From Me...

PROJECT 365: Day 69
Today was my "dreaded" appointment with the fertility specialist. We were there for about 2 hours and that was after waiting in the waiting room for 30 minutes. We talked to the nurse, the doctor and then I had a full physical exam. Boy was that fun *rolls eyes* Oh well. Now we're waiting on some more blood test results to confirm that I have PCOS or not. Apparently I'm about 50/50 right now, but the test should tell us for sure. I was very glad Phil went with me though. It made the whole ordeal a little more bearable :)

I also renewed my license, got an oil change, decorated the apartment with the few Halloween decorations we have and now Phil and I are watching Edward Scissorhands since I've never seen it before. We did get a chance to carve our pumpkins today too!

from left to right: Phil's, mine and mine again LOL
Phil's is a sinister face and my big one was supposed to be a cat in a full moon. However, when I was taking the pumpkin chunk out, one of the ears and the tail came off. Phil thought it looked like a witch instead, but it also kind of looks like a sideways cat maybe? Never the less, I've decided I like faces... they are much easier to carve out. The little one was a free pumpkin I got at a pumpkin patch on Sunday. Since it was so little, I decided to make it a baby pumpkin, complete with a little tooth ;) We won't put them outside until tomorrow just in case some of the neighboring teenagers decide to mess with them.

Other than that, my day was not so bad. I'll be happy to not have another woman exam for awhile though. Hope your day was enjoyable!

Peace to you,
"Cowboy Casanova" by Carrie Underwood

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

And I'm Caught In Between...

PROJECT 365: Day 68
Today we FINALLY got a new ceiling fan in our bedroom! We've almost lived in our new apartment for two months and we are just now getting the fan. Originally, the fan part worked, but the light was hard to turn off. Not even a week later, the light stopped turning off completely so we couldn't use the fan at night unless we wanted the light on. THEN about 2-3 weeks ago, the light switch to the fan would blow the fuse to the entire upstairs. We were told to leave everything off because it was a fire hazard. Awesome. Well, after a few headaches, we finally got a brand new fan installed this morning! So now not only do we have a working light AND fan, we also get to FINALLY break out the new comforter I bought from Target in August :) YAY! I'm so happy!

Other than that, I found out today that I have a good solid B in my MWF class which is great because a) I need to raise my gpa and b) this is the class I'm retaking. So that was happy to know! Also, my dad had his last 2 wisdom teeth removed on Monday and he is recovering very well :) I wish I was up there to help a little, or at least give him a hug, but it's good to know he's feeling ok. We have started up our video calls again. I've had 3 video calls in the past 2(ish) weeks and that definitely makes me happy! It's not the same as being nearby and it does remind me that Thanksgiving is still a few weeks away. However, it is making the wait a little more bearable being able to see them.

My body is finally no longer rebelling against me too. My sinuses are finally in check (knock on wood!), my stomach has settled and my neck is starting to slowly feel better. All this just in time for my appointment with the specialist tomorrow :-/ *wah wah* Oh well, I'll just keep my head up. Plus, it's good knowing Phil will be with me pretty much the whole time. I'll be happy to get the appointment over with though.

In more happy news, O.I.L. session is next week!! Yikes! Where has the time gone? I can't wait to be in the capitol with my Venus/BFF/Favorite Person In The World and just having a blast! Plus, my brother's birthday is soon! Him turning 26 makes me feel old, yet I still don't feel my age. Anyone else have this problem? I mean, I haven't felt my age in years. In fact, sometimes I have to remind myself I'm 23 going on 24. That's just crazy to me sometimes! It's like I never thought I'd live this long ;)

I hope y'all had a good day too! Happy Hump Day!

Peace to you,


p.s. really into this song lately...

"3" by Britney Spears

Are You Telling Me This Is A Sign?...

I have no idea what your personal beliefs are. I'm not even going to sit here and tell you you should probably agree with my beliefs. However, There is something that has been on my mind for quite awhile, so bear with me as I babble on aimlessly :)

I have always believed in signs. I feel everything is connected in a weird, mystical way. Part of this could be due to my habit of over-thinking anything that happens to me. Another part could just be me imagining things so that I can find comfort and resolution for things that have happened to me in the past. Either way, that's what I believe. I have always felt that little things happen to us each day to test us or tell us something. It's all a matter of what you pay attention to and how you interpret what happened. My "signs" have varied over the years from certain people entering and/or leaving my life for a particular reason, to I shouldn't bother doing something because it'll get handled itself. Now, this has not always worked to my advantage and sometimes I have been wrong. However, since 9 times out of 10 it has shown me something I never would have understood beforehand, I still believe very much.

With this whole miscarriage,"is it PCOS", "will I be able to have children", etc., business going on, I've done a lot of thinking... and reading... and researching... to the point that I just get a bit overwhelmed. I mean, I never thought that starting a family would be a hard thing to do once Phil and I agreed it was time to do so. I know other people have issues and infertility is not super horrible. However, I also figured, being the hypochondriac I am, that I would never have issues like that. Besides, why would God bless me with such strong maternal instincts, gifts, patience, etc. if I'm not going to use them for my own children? I mean, that just seems a little harsh right?! I know everything is done in His time when He feels it is the right time to do so. It's just so hard when so many women around me get pregnant. Whether it be just super easy for them to conceive or someone I feel isn't ready for children, ever since my miscarriage in June, I've been really resentful. I've tried praying about it, but my heart is softening a little slower than I had anticipated. I would just cry and scream and wonder why. Why would this happen to me? Why would I have such great motherly skills if I'm not able to be a mother? Why is this fair? Why would I possibly have the one syndrome I always convinced myself I didn't have? Why, why why?

You know what, I still don't know the answer. However, just the other day, I got a sign. A very subtle sign, but it was one that mattered to me. The song "God You Reign" by Lincoln Brewster came on the other day. This song, as well as "Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)" by Chris Tomlin, used to just make me burst into tears immediately. They weren't necessarily tears of anger or sadness, but they were definitely crocodile tears. However, this time I just sang along with the lyrics. I was thinking about what happened in June, how I've felt since then and what is going on with me now. As I was thinking about all the other women who's blogs I follow or that I've heard about from this or that, the saying "in His time" was just repeating over and over in my head. I suddenly sang louder as the chorus came on which is simply the lyrics "God you reign, God you reign, forever and ever, God you reign". As the chorus started to repeat I suddenly became aware of my hands. I usually cruise with just one hand on the steering wheel while the other is rested on my leg or the side of the door. I look down and my left hand is holding on to my lower abdomen. I was cupping my stomach like a mother would when she's just starting to show. I started to laugh out loud! I shook my head up and down and said out loud, "Ok, I get it. You know what you're doing. All in Your time" I smiled the rest of the time I was in the car.

I still think about everything going on, but as far as worrying, I'm mostly worrying about the cost of the appointments or having to have another womanly exam (I hate those!). To be perfectly honest, I'll still be a bit disappointed if I cannot carry my own child. However, I know if I can't it will be for a reason. Maybe I am over-flowing with motherly skills so that I can adopt children who think no one can love them and I'll love them with my whole heart. And to some of you, my "sign" may have just been a coincidence or something I'm making a bigger deal about than I should. All I can say is, it has brought me a peace that I so desperately wanted. I can't think of any reason why this couldn't have come from God. He loves me so much and knows that my heart wanted, more so needed, this peace. He is the most amazing Father, Creator, Redeemer and I cannot thank Him for all He does for me. This sign did nothing more than solidify my faith as well as give me hope for the upcoming medical journey I am about to embark on. For that, I am most thankful.

And that is why I believe whole-heartedly in signs, big and small.

Peace to you,

"Signs" by Snoop Dogg ft. Justin Timberlake

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Hearts Will Be Glowing When Loved Ones Are Near...

PROJECT 365: Day 61
I know I know... I apologize for not really being around. However, if you've noticed, (if you haven't, no big ;P), I tend to disappear when things happen to me. By things I mean big life-altering things.

To make a long story short, I don't know if I actually admitted to this or not, but I had a miscarriage in June. It was really hard on me for many different reasons and I'm finally at a point where I can say it out loud without being really upset by it. I will be posting another post, (redundant much? lol), later that has to do with this so I won't divulge too much. So after that whole ordeal, my cycle was trying to return to normal the rest of the summer. However, in September, I was around 7 days late again and I knew I couldn't handle another "June". I had to have a referral appointment since our new insurance is through the school Phil attends for grad school. They took a blood pregnancy test and it was negative, so they let me make an appointment with my normal gynecologist. She had me do another blood test and both an external and internal ultrasound, (which is not much fun if you had to guess...), which meant more questions and more waiting time. This is why I've been absent. Bottom line, I had some cysts on my ovaries in my ultra sound so I now get to visit an infertility specialist to see if I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Now, if you know me, I'm a severe hypochondriac. Luckily, *cough*cough*, for my family, I usually only really worry about it around them. PCOS is the one syndrome or disease that I have always convinced myself I don't have. How ironic is that? Now, I don't know for sure if it is PCOS or just a one time deal. I guess I just have to wait and find out.

Also, Phil and I have been talking a lot lately about school. We should both be finishing up around the same time, (Spring 2011), so I we, need to start thinking about where we are going to live. Well we had talked about Kansas City for awhile now. I have family there, it's still the midwest, it's a good halfway point between his parents and mine, etc. However, the more he looks at job listing, the more we are realizing there really is not much available for what he wants to do when he is done. That being the case, we decided to look at see where the best places for him to get a job would be and it looks like the top two are Boston and Philadelphia. Now, I've been to Boston, and I really don't think I could live there. Plus, my dad would HATE having to drive there like he did a few years ago ;) So, we were looking more and more into Philly and due to some connections Phil's advisor has with a guy at University of Penn, it looks like there is an 85 to 90% chance that's where we'll end up! It's exciting, but scary at the same time. It's definitely far from my parents, but there is an international airport nearby. I've only lived as far east as south west Arkansas (LOL I know right?!) so it'll be a bit of a culture shock as well. However, the more we look into it, the more comfortable with this decision I become. We originally looked into a suburb that has a great school district, but the housing was ridiculous! For the same type of house my parents had here, which they sold for $118,000, the house in this town was $690,000! WOW! So I was looking at other suburbs and fell in love with a house in Reading! I don't know if Phil will want to commute that far or if it's even in a good neighborhood, but it was so precious and only $139,000. I thought that was pretty awesome ;) Anyways, so because I am quite the planner, we are looking into the cost of moving, where we would live, who has a good school district, etc. It seems so far off, but I would only have 1 more full summer here if we moved early on in the summer of 2011. Exciting stuff for sure!

Again, having this to deal with on top of school, being a wife, work, etc. I just didn't have the emotional energy to keep up with this. I still took pictures and they are on my facebook page, but I do apologize for not doing this more. Now that I know what's going on, I'll probably post more often :)

Today I've been working in the office all day. Since I've been in a Christmas-y mood for about a week now, I thought it'd be perfect to take The Santa Clause and The Santa Clause 2 with me in case I had down time. Let's just say, I'm not quite halfway through the first one. :-/ Ah well, I at least earned my pay today!

Other than that, just trying to get by with everything going on. I love fall and I love Thanksgiving, but it just feels like I won't have much down time until after New Year's. As long as I get to see my folks (which should happen for both holidays!!), I think I'll find a way to make it through :D

Happy Wednesday all!

Peace to you,

"The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" by Andy Williams

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Lord Has Promised Good To Me...

PROJECT 365: Day 46
I'm feeling really awful today. I woke up really ache-y all over with a sore/dry throat. I'm hoping Phil didn't pick something up working at Walgreen's this weekend. He didn't feel well yesterday, but he's good to go today. I'm also feeling nauseous, but I'm sure part of it is nerves.

You see, yesterday I went to the lady doctor. After what happened to me in June, I was having the same situation happen again this time. Worrying that something was wrong, I made an appointment with my doctor. We talked things over and she pretty much thinks I may have a cyst on at least one of my ovaries. So I took a blood test yesterday and I'm doing an ultrasound this afternoon. I am just a little nervous about this. I was hoping to have an ultrasound under happier circumstances, but it's good to find out what's going on. I'm just really really nervous because I am very protective of that area of my body. I know I'll need to get used to it when I am pregnant... doesn't make it any less scary for me :-/

I promise to update more often, I just haven't had the energy lately. I hope y'all are having a better week than me :)

Peace to you,


"Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)" by Chris Tomlin

But I Know What It Feels Like

This post is going to be awfully vulnerable and hard for me, but I really want to finally say it out loud. I got permission for my daughter ...