Tuesday, April 27, 2021

The Luckiest

Today was a hard day for me.

My parents were able to come visit for a few days this weekend. They drove all day Thursday, and left this morning. It was good to see them. In fact, I had more of an emotional reaction than I was expecting.

You see, no one thought what happened in 2020 would happen. Not on anyone's radar. (Well, I'm sure someone somewhere, {like an epidemiologist or something}, had an idea something like this would, but certainly not to the degree that it did.) We got together with my folks for Thanksgiving in 2019, knowing we would probably have to wait until mid-March at the earliest before we would get together in person again. 

Then the world shut down. 

In fact, my brother and his wife had my nephew in mid-December. I was supposed to meet him around my birthday. Nope. They live in an area that was hard hit in the beginning of the pandemic, so that trip was cancelled.

As things start to calm a bit, and the world feels like we've figured out how to leave our homes momentarily, my parents made the decision to come down in early July. We rented a trailer to have in our driveway where they stayed for a few days. 

Both of my parents have jobs that deal with lots of people. They also are not spring chickens anymore, no offense mom and dad! It wasn't until I was 24 hours from seeing them this week that I got very emotional. The release of adrenaline and anxiety knowing that they were actually going to come was intense. I heard "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac on the radio and became a blubbering mess. That was the song I danced to with my dad for my wedding. I would get to hug them. I would get to laugh and cry and eat with them. I would get to watch them being grandparents to my crazy, but lovely gaggle of children. They are fully vaccinated, as Phil and I are. The thought washed over me, "We made it."

It is not lost on me how lucky we are. We all worked hard to stay healthy and get vaccinated as soon as we could. Even the extended family that did contract COVID-19 were able to recover at home. The weight of pain and suffering that so many people experienced was heavy because I could only do so much on my part to help. It was incredibly frustrating to watch people refuse to do the bare minimum for others. It was no question for me. To come on the other side of this relatively unscathed seems unfair for all those who lost so much. I'm not saying I wanted us to suffer more! No no no no. I just felt a bit guilty for where we stood. 

Of course, we're not completely out of the clear. India is still having an awful time, and there are variants that continue to appear. Our world is so different than it used to be. However, I know as my parents continue their journey home today that I get to see them much sooner than last time. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bag of cheese curds with my name on them. Time to eat my feelings with cheese :)

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

Forward

I feel l

I h

No words feel like the right way to start. Not only has so much happened in the last 2 years, I feel as if I have lived multiple lifetimes since then. I won't get into big details about certain things for privacy, and especially because it involves my kiddos. As much as I love sharing things about them, there are some things I feel I don't have the place to divulge too much.

First and foremost, Jill was diagnosed with ADHD. After struggling to find the right medication for her, we have found a good one. Is it perfect? No. It is not such a high dosage that she's a different kid either. We also have her seeing a therapist once a month to have a space of her own. 

Second, David recently, (as in October of 2020), developed a form of epilepsy. He is ok, and on daily medication as well. They are not the type where he shakes, but he does have some atypical symptoms. 

Third, I had some church trauma happen that apparently I still have a hard time with. This one will be the hardest to explain, if I ever do. I guess I'll see where the Spirit takes me.

Throw in all the normal stuff that has happened, including a GLOBAL PANDEMIC, and you just made a perfect shitstorm that has put me in an awful place. I have gotten so good at masking my pain that even I don't realize the true depths at times. 

One foot in front of the other. Baby steps. Crawl. Keep moving forward.

But I Know What It Feels Like

This post is going to be awfully vulnerable and hard for me, but I really want to finally say it out loud. I got permission for my daughter ...