My Hair

I have a weird relationship with my hair. 

I rocked the bowl haircut for years, and years. Around 3rd grade, I tried having a perm, (that was quite an experience). After that, my hair went from mostly straight to wavy. Then I began doing this habit of growing it out, then cutting it short. I only did a perm one more time before deciding it's not for me. 

In 9th grade, my hair changed naturally from mousy brown with red low lights to almost jet black. Once I was in high school, I was allowed to highlight my hair. I did this until I was in college. Then the growing it out and cutting it cycle began again. My hair would get super duper long, then I'd cut it really short. This was in part because of my inability to decide how I like my hair. Also, as a young married couple still going to college, we didn't always have money for haircuts, so I just didn't go. I would box dye my hair from time to time, but nothing major. I never dreamed of bleaching my own hair. I'd help friends do their hair, but not mine. I trimmed my bangs once or twice, but never just cut bangs on my own.

The summer I had an ectopic pregnancy, I dyed my hair for comfort. Due to my wacked out hormones, my normal hair color looked way more purple than I ever intended for it to be. {Actually, I never intended it to be purple at all. Imagine my shock...} In an attempt to have control of something while I was putting life on hold to dissolve the ectopic pregnancy, I did Color Oops. I do NOT recommend this. It made my hair change texture. It went from mostly thick and wavy to coarse in places. Not everywhere, mind you, just in random spots on my hair. In hindsight, my hair was becoming more coarse than the hair of my youth. However, this coloring process really sped it up, and I was not aware of what was happening. I would notice the coarse hair and pull it out, trying to bring my hair back to the state I was used to.

Over the years, one of the things that started as a bad habit was pulling my graying/white hairs out. I starting having white/gray hairs pop up around 2016/2017 since I have naturally dark hair. It was so much easier when I was 32 because there was not as much there. I would do a few here and there, and that would be that. Now they are everywhere. In an attempt to have control/something to do/accomplish a goal, {noticing a theme about me?}, I was sit for hours and pick out every hair I could.

Can you guess where this is going?

I was creating bald spots. I even tried stopping at various points with no long-term luck. That's when I decided I would cut my hair short. It would make it hard to pull out the hairs, and my hair would grow out a bit more even again.

Nope. That helped for a bit, but I started using my tweezers to pull out the hairs. TWEEZERS y'all. Ugh. This was a habit, an OCD issue, and a nervous tick. It was always worse when I was stressed out. I would do it brazenly in front of Phil who would beg me to stop. I kept thinking, "Just this last bit of hair, and I'll be done." Was I ever done? No. Phil would have to grab my hand to stop me. 

I started to play computer or video games to get it to stop. Well, that just became a giant time suck that made me feel guilty, which in turn stressed me out, and then I would pull my hair again.

Between having it grow out due to the pandemic, not having money for it, and feeling like I looked like an 80's pop star, I got it cut on my birthday. The issue was, I went to a cheap place that's known mostly for men's cuts. It came out shorter than I wanted, and I can see some uneven sections.

As I'm reminding myself of who I am, I miss my hair so much. (Ugh, why am I crying again?!?) I miss being able to use a ponytail holder without looking like Alfalfa. I miss being able to blow dry it with a regular brush and dryer or my brush/hair dryer. I miss being able to straighten my hair without it looking strange. 

This is me telling myself to NOT cut my hair except to help with the growing out process. If I want to think about what kind of color I may or may not want to do thanks to the white/gray hairs, that's ok. Otherwise, work on taking care of the scalp and hair, and it'll all grow back.