I have no idea what your personal beliefs are. I'm not even going to sit here and tell you you should probably agree with my beliefs. However, There is something that has been on my mind for quite awhile, so bear with me as I babble on aimlessly :)I have always believed in signs. I feel everything is connected in a weird, mystical way. Part of this could be due to my habit of over-thinking anything that happens to me. Another part could just be me imagining things so that I can find comfort and resolution for things that have happened to me in the past. Either way, that's what I believe. I have always felt that little things happen to us each day to test us or tell us something. It's all a matter of what you pay attention to and how you interpret what happened. My "signs" have varied over the years from certain people entering and/or leaving my life for a particular reason, to I shouldn't bother doing something because it'll get handled itself. Now, this has not always worked to my advantage and sometimes I have been wrong. However, since 9 times out of 10 it has shown me something I never would have understood beforehand, I still believe very much.
With this whole miscarriage,"is it PCOS", "will I be able to have children", etc., business going on, I've done a lot of thinking... and reading... and researching... to the point that I just get a bit overwhelmed. I mean, I never thought that starting a family would be a hard thing to do once Phil and I agreed it was time to do so. I know other people have issues and infertility is not super horrible. However, I also figured, being the hypochondriac I am, that I would never have issues like that. Besides, why would God bless me with such strong maternal instincts, gifts, patience, etc. if I'm not going to use them for my own children? I mean, that just seems a little harsh right?! I know everything is done in His time when He feels it is the right time to do so. It's just so hard when so many women around me get pregnant. Whether it be just super easy for them to conceive or someone I feel isn't ready for children, ever since my miscarriage in June, I've been really resentful. I've tried praying about it, but my heart is softening a little slower than I had anticipated. I would just cry and scream and wonder why. Why would this happen to me? Why would I have such great motherly skills if I'm not able to be a mother? Why is this fair? Why would I possibly have the one syndrome I always convinced myself I didn't have? Why, why why?
You know what, I still don't know the answer. However, just the other day, I got a sign. A very subtle sign, but it was one that mattered to me. The song "God You Reign" by Lincoln Brewster came on the other day. This song, as well as "Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)" by Chris Tomlin, used to just make me burst into tears immediately. They weren't necessarily tears of anger or sadness, but they were definitely crocodile tears. However, this time I just sang along with the lyrics. I was thinking about what happened in June, how I've felt since then and what is going on with me now. As I was thinking about all the other women who's blogs I follow or that I've heard about from this or that, the saying "in His time" was just repeating over and over in my head. I suddenly sang louder as the chorus came on which is simply the lyrics "God you reign, God you reign, forever and ever, God you reign". As the chorus started to repeat I suddenly became aware of my hands. I usually cruise with just one hand on the steering wheel while the other is rested on my leg or the side of the door. I look down and my left hand is holding on to my lower abdomen. I was cupping my stomach like a mother would when she's just starting to show. I started to laugh out loud! I shook my head up and down and said out loud, "Ok, I get it. You know what you're doing. All in Your time" I smiled the rest of the time I was in the car.
I still think about everything going on, but as far as worrying, I'm mostly worrying about the cost of the appointments or having to have another womanly exam (I hate those!). To be perfectly honest, I'll still be a bit disappointed if I cannot carry my own child. However, I know if I can't it will be for a reason. Maybe I am over-flowing with motherly skills so that I can adopt children who think no one can love them and I'll love them with my whole heart. And to some of you, my "sign" may have just been a coincidence or something I'm making a bigger deal about than I should. All I can say is, it has brought me a peace that I so desperately wanted. I can't think of any reason why this couldn't have come from God. He loves me so much and knows that my heart wanted, more so needed, this peace. He is the most amazing Father, Creator, Redeemer and I cannot thank Him for all He does for me. This sign did nothing more than solidify my faith as well as give me hope for the upcoming medical journey I am about to embark on. For that, I am most thankful.
And that is why I believe whole-heartedly in signs, big and small.
Peace to you,
"Signs" by Snoop Dogg ft. Justin Timberlake
No comments:
Post a Comment