Friday, February 7, 2014

Just Keep Swimming

I think this is the season of my life where I am constantly being humbled. I thought I had this two-kids-under-3 thing down, but the last 3 weeks have been harder than I ever imagined. {I'm channelling my inner-Marlin in order to feel like I can do this no matter how scary it gets}

As I type this, Jillian has circled the couch twice, gotten into my water cup, climbed on the couch, found a spoon within her reach, poked her brother with a Q-tip, and handed me my library card... and she just knocked the tray off of her booster seat, which narrowly missed falling on top of her brother. That is why it took me 5 minutes to type the top paragraph.

Now keep in mind, I know she is not doing any of this on purpose. She is a new 2 year-old who needs to explore everything. It's just been really hard on me because I feel like I'm constantly correcting/discipling her. And honestly, time-outs really don't phase her after the initial shock that mom sent her to the time-out corner.

Physically I'm exhausted too. I'm actually getting decent sleep at night which I am very thankful for. However, with the arctic air we're enduring right now on top of snow, I have to carry Jillian, David in his car seat, and the large diaper bag into every building we have to enter. I do it while lightly jogging so that we don't have to be outside in the nasty wind for very long. By the end of the day, my body just aches.

Sprinkle a little mom-guilt on top of all of that because I feel like I don't interact with David much. He's still just young enough that I can't engage him for long, even if he's interested. I do whatever I can until he's over-stimulated, but that adds up to maybe 40 minutes of interaction a day. I just want to make sure he's getting the attention he needs too.

With all this stuff just in the house, I won't even get into the diet changes, computer problems, family changes, fear of getting the kids and/or myself sick the moment we leave the hosue, and knowing I've been a crappy friend but not knowing how to fix it. I just need winter, (and the sickies!), to be over fast. I'm too exhausted to continue like this for several more weeks. Something has got to give, and it will most likely be my sanity first.

I know this is a season in life I may miss someday. I know I'll miss David being this size, and watching Jillian as she learns new things. However, I am giving myself permission to be overwhelmed, tired, sad, and even a little angry. I'm going to cuddle, cry, scream (in my head),  and let it all go at the end of the day. Every day is a fresh start as long as I choose to see it that way.

I need a lot of Jesus, and a little coffee. {And it's ok if that statements is reversed some days}

6 comments:

  1. Having 2 kids is hard, there's no other way to put it. They are the most wonderful thing, but man it's hard!! I had to constantly remind myself that things that didn't get done by the end of the day were okay. I felt extremely guilty if the laundry or dishes weren't done at the end of the day when my hubby came home, and then guilty again if he took over duties when he walked in the door cause I was too exhausted to even take another step. You can do it and it will get better. I promise. I know that doesn't help much at this moment, but it will. I am sending you my good thoughts and prayers!

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    1. Thanks you so much Kari! It's nice to hear that it will get better at some point :) I always appreciate your insight!

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  2. Sending lots of love and prayers your way. I don't know what life is like with 2 kids, but have had plenty of my own craziness. Once of the first things a fellow autism mom told me was that I get at least 1 day a month to have a pity party for myself (for the first couple months it can be EVERY day!) I think every major life change can abide by this rule. You are an amazing mom and I often feel like you are doing better with 2 than I am with 1! Just keep swimming and follow your gut (swim through, not over!)

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    1. Thank you sweet friend. You do have lots of your plate, but you're doing a GREAT job!
      That is very good advice, and I will definitely keep it in mind :)

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  3. Your not alone. I feel bad every day that I can't get Mackenzie out of the house to burn off her energy because it's too cold to take Ethan out of the house. Then, like you, that I don't spend enough time with him. I have a little twinge of guilt every time I have to put him in his swing so I can do something. Winter and the cold doesn't help either.
    Hang in there, it'll be spring soon! :o)

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    1. While I'm glad to not be alone, I'm sorry you have the same feelings of guilt too. It's not a good emotion, but we'll get through it. Like you said, it'll be spring soon :)

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