Something I always have to explain to people is the fact that I am not what I consider "super religious". Let me explain that. I do not have any part of the bible memorized. I don't know where to find certain passages without help or an index. I do not get into religious debates with people unless I know we will both come out challenged instead of wounded. I do not pray every single day, (granted that's what I'm working on this year, but it's still a work in progress). I do not read the bible on my own.
I do, however, lean on God for advice. I do believe He is my Savior and loves every part of me. I do believe that I am an imperfect human being who is completely unworthy of God's grace, forgiveness, and mercy. I have done nothing to deserve His sacrifice. However, he freely gives and for that I am ever so thankful.
Coming to this conclusion is not something that was drilled into my head from day 1. Even having one, (or both in my case), parent as a pastor does not guarantee your faith. I can go "beep beep" and stand in a garage and say I'm a car, but I'm not. Same thing with being a Christian.
I rarely went to my parents for spiritual advice growing up. Partially because I was unsure how easily they could switch from parent mode to pastor mode. I found it easier to just avoid the subject and explored faith on my own. It did help to have such a supportive church family.
As I got to my senior year of high school, I still didn't pray that often. I didn't read the bible, though I had my own if I chose to. I did believe in God and knew he was taking care of me. I was a full member of my church, and even started to take on a leadership role as a youth elder. I felt like my faith was pretty solid, even though I look back now and see just how shallow it truly was.
Once I got to college, I met Phil. He was a different denomination than I was, but we believed basically the same things and I had friends in the past that went to the same type of church. However, his faith was in a completely different place. He knew bible verses. He knew names and stories that I still get mixed up. He prayed more than I did. He was more open about talking with others than I was. This was never, (and still is not), an issue in our relationship to have one person be a little more open about their faith than the other.
For most of our relationship, that's how we functioned. Phil was the more openly faithful and I was the quiet servant. That changed.
Shortly after having a really early miscarriage in June of 2009, I was absolutely lost. In just one year I had gotten married, moved in with a boy/out of my parent's home for good, my parents moved across the country, I transferred schools, had to handle my parents' home until it sold, and I lost a child. I was so angry with God. I am not entirely proud of this, but I just couldn't stand the thought of having to go through so much in such little time. I actually had a tantrum where I could not stop crying, I couldn't breathe, and my face was on fire. I was pounding on the wall of my bedroom while sitting on the bed and just screaming. "This isn't fair! I make plan after plan and nothing works out. God's just a big bully who comes into my room, breaks all my stuff and tells me it's a lesson I need to learn. Why? Why is He being so hard on me? Why do I have to be the one who goes through everything the hard way? I'm tired of building character!" Phil and to literally grab my arms and hold me down so I could breathe normal again. Even when I had a problem with alcohol a few years before, I still consider this the lowest point of my life. I have
never acted like that in my life.
For a few months, I just ignored God. I still went to church because I was in the choir, but I never really paid attention.
Finally, after several months of being angry, I went on a retreat with my youth group. A retreat I had been to so many times before. It was a camp ground in the middle of nowhere, but it always seems to bring me peace. At one point, when I was by myself, I finally decided I was done. I was so tired of being angry all the time. It was putting such a heavy load on my heart that I just didn't want. I didn't want to be that bitter person. I made the decision, then and there, to let it go, (slowly), and stop being angry.
I started listening to more Christian radio. I tried reading the bible in one year. (I got through the Old Testament, but not the New.) I made the decision to trust in God. I wanted to "know", just like my word for the year. I wanted to be a better at praying. I've been working on my relationship with the God who loves me still, no matter how many hurtful words I say to him.
The interesting thing about this transformation for me is the fact that Phil seemed to slowly stop. He does still know his stuff, but he's not always actively reading the bible. He's not always praying. I'm not saying Phil's desire slightly diminishing is a good or bad thing. I mostly just wanted to point out how we seemed to have switched from our original roles.
With my history of not being overly public about my faith, I sometimes find it hard to even talk to Phil about certain things. We have gotten into several theological discussions, but there are some things I just have to work up my nerve to bring up. The funny thing is, it's not that big of a deal. I wish I felt more at ease asking him.
Ever since I found out that our pregnancy was not tubal and looked good, I decided I wanted to thank God every single day for the joy and honor of carrying this precious gift. It is such a big deal to me! However, because I'm still working on it, I haven't been really consistent with this. So I had to work up my nerve to ask Phil if he's prayed about the baby. He replied with "A little bit, why?". I asked him if he'd be willing to pray with me every night before bed to thank God for our gift and ask that we can have the privilege to carry baby to term and for the guidance to bring up the child to know and seek God. He of course agreed :)
It's hard for me to act like I'm a good Christian every single day. I know for a fact that I'm not. However, not matter what place we are in our faith journey, I find such peace in knowing that I have Phil to pray with me when I'm not sure how. The journey is far from over, but I know the journey will be worth it.
Since today is National Day of Prayer, I found it fitting to share a piece of my faith.
Have a blessed day!
Because it gives me goosebumps every time, if you have not seen this video, please click on the song title to see Carrie Underwood just rock this song to the ground!
