Now I Don't Mind Working So Hard Everyday...

I'm sure you don't know this about me, but I'm a very competitive person. I find it funny that one of the reasons I changed my major from Vocal Performance is because I'm not competitive enough to sing professionally. I personally don't think my voice is extraordinary although I'm corrected by others all the time. However, when it comes to my personal life, I'm very much competitive. I like knowing more people like me. I like knowing I'm doing the best out of everyone in the group. I like knowing I'm the main person others rely on to get things done. If there's a situation where I feel there's favoritism going on that is not beneficial to me, I get upset and step up my game. I. must. win. every. single. time.

There's a big problem with this: I can't be #1 all the time. Oh I want to be, but I can't do it. Sometimes other people are preferred over me. Sometimes I make a mistake and let people down. It's very frustrating for me, but its nothing I can change. That's just life. That's how you live life among other human beings. They have their issues/preferences/problems that have nothing to do with you. For someone with confidence issues, I really think the world revolves around me.

I guess I'll just have to be happy with being me and not losing the part of my competitiveness that keeps me on my toes and happy to please those whom I'm working for. I've never been criticized for my work ethic before and I doubt I'll ever lose my desire to be #1. I just have to remember that striving for #1 and being #1 forever are two separate things.

Also, I've heard this song several times, but it really struck a chord with me yesterday. I even had it on repeat for a little bit. Having to live in transition until Phil and I move to wherever we're going is really hard for me. I felt this song just really said everything on my heart right now. Even if you've heard it before, just read the lyrics. Maybe they speak to you a little bit too :)

"Stop & Stare" by OneRepublic

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What you need, what you need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...

Peace to you,

"A Change In My Life" by Rockapella (also a good song)