Even Though The Rough Times Are Showing...

{via}

I have been an emotional wreck the past 24 hours. Well, more like 36. Shortly after my post yesterday, I got a call from the nurse saying my levels were the same. Apparently that's not bad, but it's ideal and Dr. Vaughan wanted me to come do another round of shots and blood tests so that my level will go back down to zero. I got off the phone and literally started to bawl my eyes out. I had JUST finished making a pile of clothes for laundry to pack so I could leave for Minnesota. I made the executive decision and now I couldn't go. I had no idea what my number was in terms of my hCG level and I was tired.

SICK and tired.

Tired of being poked and prodded. Tired of not knowing what was happening to me and my body. Tired of not having the permission to do anything but sit at home and "relax". Tired of only seeing my husband, (though I love him more than anything), and knowing I couldn't see my parents for an even longer amount of time. I just couldn't take it. I of course call Phil very upset. He tried his best to calm me down, but I knew I would need to call my mom. I do and we talked for quite awhile. She knows that this is hard for me. This had been a really rough two weeks for me.

This is what I've endured since June 19th: Find out I'm pregnant, then told my levels are low. Go to two different doctors in an attempt to make the insurance company happy and end up getting blood drawn 5 times in one week. Pray that everything will be ok only to find out late the pregnancy is no longer viable and have 3 ultrasounds to confirm this. Get more blood drawn and receive two shots in the hiney to chemically dissolve the pregnancy. Have no idea what's going on because no one is really explaining to me what is happening. Told I can't see my parents until everything is "fine", whatever that means. Give MORE blood (that's #9 btw) and told I need another shot to help bring my levels to normal. I am going insane. Seriously, my mental state is not fantastic right now. I felt bad, but I couldn't stop crying on the phone with my mom. Plus, I don't know why, but I kept cracking jokes while I was crying. Who does that? Really?

My mom told me to call and tell them I need someone to explain this to me. Tell me what's going on and how things are going happen. She did offer to come down here if I can't leave soon, but I end up getting permission from the doctor this morning to go if I want to. I did have to come in for my second round of shots this morning and I have to check in with her when I get back. Ok, I can do that. I can tell the doctor is not happy with me doing this, but right now I don't care. I need my parents more than ever and I'm an adult in stable condition. Besides, I'm not making the trip in one day. I promised my dad I'd stop in KC on the way up and that's what I'll do. I can't wait to get on the road tomorrow.

One of my blogger friends, that I met on LJ a few years ago, is talking about making an LJ again to be a little more personal. I've actually been thinking about this for awhile now. I wouldn't get rid of this blog, but I really need somewhere to vent out all my bad stuff. I can get really depressing and hateful and I'd rather put my happy energy in here. I don't want to be labeled the "Debbie Downer" around the blog-o-sphere ;) I'm still thinking about it, but we'll see what happens.

Now that you've endured all of that, on to the music :)

Day 01 - Your favorite song
Day 02 - Your least favorite song
Day 03 - A song that makes you happy
Day 04 - A song that makes you sad
Day 05 - A song that reminds you of someone

Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io

"Walking On The Sun" by Smash Mouth
Day 06 - A song that reminds you of somewhere
Day 07 - A song that you know all the words to
Day 08 - A song that you can dance to
Day 09 - A song that you want to play at your wedding
Day 10 - A song that you want to play at your funeral
Day 11 - A song that makes you think of your best friend
Day 12 - A song that is a guilty pleasure
Day 13 - A song that no one would expect you to love
Day 14 - A song that describes you
Day 15 - A song from your favorite album
Day 16 - A song from your favorite band
Day 17 - A song from a band you can't stand
Day 18 - A song that makes you laugh
Day 19- A song that you wish you could play
Day 20 - A song from your childhood
Day 21- A song with great lyrics
Day 22- A song you love with no lyrics
Day 23 - A song that you can play on an instrument
Day 24 - A song that you could never get tired of
Day 25 - Your favorite song at this time last year

The person I'm referring to should know who they are ;)

Speaking of music, thanks to the Glee soundtracks from Season 1, I have a song I REALLY want to include in recital in December. Have I mentioned I'm giving a recital in December in celebration of my graduation? Oh yes, yes I am :) It's going to be marvelous! If I can, I'll share a recording of some type on here afterwards. We'll see how it all works out. I will share the song next time I post.

Happy Wednesday y'all!

Peace to you,

"And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" by Glee Cast Member Amber Riley