Monday, September 29, 2014

Waves

There are many times I reflect back and wonder how on earth I have 20/20 vision. I used to do horrible things to my eyes as a kid, which may have included having contests of who can stare at a flashlight the longest. {See? How am I not blind?! Also, sorry mom!} One particular thing I used to do with my eyes sticks out in my mind.

As a typical child, I enjoyed swimming at the local pool. One of the things I loved to show off was my ability to see underwater without goggles. It never hurt my eyes, and I was quite proud of it. Around the time I turned 8, I discovered the next level of this talent. I dubbed it "crocodile eyes." I would place my head where the water level of the pool hit just under my eyes. This meant, when waves and ripples came my way, the water would splash in my eyes. I didn't even blink because that's what crocodiles do. I thought it was the neatest thing ever. I would get in trouble for doing this because it would "ruin my eyes" and whatnot.

I don't think I've even attempted this trick in the last decade, let alone been in a pool more than a handful of times. I can guarantee I can still do this trick. Well, at least in part.

You see, I have had several moments in just the last year where I felt like I was almost completely submerged in water. I had just enough water to cover everything except for my eyes. There were moments where I could just see the next wave coming.

Even though I was calm during my trick, this time was different. I had fear. I had no sense of hope. I could only hold my breath as I waited for the waves to briefly overcome me, making me completely submerged for a fleeting moment. Panic would set in. The worst part was feeling like I was the only one stuck in the water. It felt as if everyone else received a life jacket and was at least bouying with their head above water.

{In my opinion, that is one of the hardest feelings you can deal with.}

Honestly, nothing that has happened beyond my post-partum depression*, (which I got professional help for), has been a super big deal. Nothing life-altering, and nothing that can't be resolved eventually. But that constant feeling of being overtaken by something stronger than you? That is so tiring.

Have you ever been to the beach and played in the waves? The few times I have, I could never be there for longer than an hour at a time. You can get so physically drained so quickly that you may not even realize it until it's too late.

If I'm being honest, things are looking up. It's not great yet, but I know we're at least on the upwards climb toward positivity. Having a great support system that includes family, friends, and a church family is really the only way I could have ever gotten to this point. And plus also? This song.

Asking God to "lead [you] where [your] trust is without borders" {via} is scary. It means letting go of your solutions. It means stepping out of your comfort zone. If you're feeling like you're lost, going out of your comfort zone is 1024979081560347653 times harder.

Sometimes my prayer is for the courage to ask for things like stepping out of my comfort zone, or trusting that He will lead me to the solution that will be best. God knows the situation at hand even better than I do. He has an escape route, so I just have to hold his hand, take a deep breath, and walk. Please bear with me as I breathe in and take a little stroll.

*One of the good things lately is the fact that I'm officially off the medicine I was prescribed for my post-partum depression! I could be feeling things a bit more because of that, but this has just been in the last 2 weeks, and I am very thankful to be feeling more like my old self {because normal is so subjective ;)}

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