Thursday, May 12, 2016

Glucose Test Results and Why I Need Hugs

I feel like I've been silent all week, but it was for good reason. Let's start with some happy news first!

On Friday, I did my 1 hour glucose test. I got the results on Monday evening, so I made a vlog about it, just like I did with Jillian and David. {Gotta keep it fair amongst siblings!}


Like I said in the video, it's been rough parenting-wise yet again. It's even worse now because a) I have less patience thanks to all my extra hormones, and b) because of said hormones, anytime I get on to my children, I cry because I think I'm being a bad mom. So there's that.

I'm also starting to feel more and more like Jabba the Hut. Hear me out. I'm at the point where I'm getting stuck on the couch because it sinks so far back. I no longer have the muscle strength/capacity to do more than roll off the couch, so I'm usually stuck. {Plus, the doctor may not be, but I'm concerned with my weight gain, so I feel like I'm going to be humongous by the time BB-3 gets here} Then, because my kids are misbehaving, I'm using my outdoor voice to get my point across, and parent from the couch. That's why I'm feeling like Jabba.

Also, Mother's Day is still hard for me because it's not short of guilt. Guilt that all I want is time to myself instead of spending it with my kids. Guilt that Phil has to parent alone for that "me time" because I know how hard it is to do right now. Guilt that I can't see my own mother or MIL on the actual day. Guilt that I didn't get them a better gift. And so on, and so on, and so on. This is a cross between my personality and hormones (again). {Plus, Phil is an awesome husband, but unless I specifically ask for something, like a card, I usually don't get it. He makes sure I get what I need, but he doesn't always think of things like cards. Don't misunderstand, he does PLENTY of other things well! So lesson learned on my part for that one.}

Then, I recently read an article on People.com (no judgies!) written by a celebrity. I don't always click on these, but this one seemed like something I could relate to. Boy, was I right! The article, written by Eva Amurri Martino, hit a nerve I knew was already there. It basically states exactly how I feel right now.

I am incredible grateful and thankful to be carrying BB-3, but I'm also terrified. I'm scared every single day. Now, fear may not win everyday, but some days it does. Those are the days that poor Phil gets calls, my poor mom gets calls, and my poor kids get the shorter end of my patience. I still have yet to have a moment of true peace about this pregnancy. Yet, so far, everything is going well. My blood count is good, no gestational diabetes, no birth defects, no heart defects, good blood pressure, decent weight gain, movement, and even with the bleeding episode at week 15, nothing to worry the doctor whatsoever. She's allowing me to travel to Europe for crying out loud. Why can't I be at peace? Why can't I seem to be as calm as everyone else about it. Why am I waiting for something to pop up? Then, of course, I made the mistake of reading some birth stories online, and a few really scared me. One of them involved a woman delivering her 6th baby. All the other 5 deliveries before that were smooth, easy, and full of health for mama and baby. Yet with this baby, she had a worry in the back of her mind. In the end, baby had some trouble breathing, and had to be in the NICU a few days. Baby is healthy and thriving now, but the mom felt like maybe God was preparing her for that little hiccup in the beginning. So, of course, I am now really freaked out. Is God preparing me for something? Will I give birth in France or Spain? Will something happen?

So if you see me, please give me a hug. I need all the ones I can get right now. I have 1208468375619359375 things on my mind, and I can't seem to calm myself. If you're the prayer, or good vibes type, I'm down for that too. I keep thinking that, maybe if I improve my prayer life, I will be better. But I also know God is not a magic 8 ball, and that's not how it works. I may not get an answer until BB-3 is here. I may just have these doubts because I'm scared in general, not because I'm being prepared for something. Whatever the reason, a hug and a smile really lifts my spirit. Whether in person or electronically, send some my way, please?

1 comment:

  1. Sending you hugs and love from MN! I haven't been in your shoes exactly, but feel for you. As a mama who just had a NICU adventure I know that it could be so much worse! But nothing I can say will make it easier. An amazing vacation is coming up, so focus on that!

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