The Luckiest

Today was a hard day for me.

My parents were able to come visit for a few days this weekend. They drove all day Thursday, and left this morning. It was good to see them. In fact, I had more of an emotional reaction than I was expecting.

You see, no one thought what happened in 2020 would happen. Not on anyone's radar. (Well, I'm sure someone somewhere, {like an epidemiologist or something}, had an idea something like this would, but certainly not to the degree that it did.) We got together with my folks for Thanksgiving in 2019, knowing we would probably have to wait until mid-March at the earliest before we would get together in person again. 

Then the world shut down. 

In fact, my brother and his wife had my nephew in mid-December. I was supposed to meet him around my birthday. Nope. They live in an area that was hard hit in the beginning of the pandemic, so that trip was cancelled.

As things start to calm a bit, and the world feels like we've figured out how to leave our homes momentarily, my parents made the decision to come down in early July. We rented a trailer to have in our driveway where they stayed for a few days. 

Both of my parents have jobs that deal with lots of people. They also are not spring chickens anymore, no offense mom and dad! It wasn't until I was 24 hours from seeing them this week that I got very emotional. The release of adrenaline and anxiety knowing that they were actually going to come was intense. I heard "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac on the radio and became a blubbering mess. That was the song I danced to with my dad for my wedding. I would get to hug them. I would get to laugh and cry and eat with them. I would get to watch them being grandparents to my crazy, but lovely gaggle of children. They are fully vaccinated, as Phil and I are. The thought washed over me, "We made it."

It is not lost on me how lucky we are. We all worked hard to stay healthy and get vaccinated as soon as we could. Even the extended family that did contract COVID-19 were able to recover at home. The weight of pain and suffering that so many people experienced was heavy because I could only do so much on my part to help. It was incredibly frustrating to watch people refuse to do the bare minimum for others. It was no question for me. To come on the other side of this relatively unscathed seems unfair for all those who lost so much. I'm not saying I wanted us to suffer more! No no no no. I just felt a bit guilty for where we stood. 

Of course, we're not completely out of the clear. India is still having an awful time, and there are variants that continue to appear. Our world is so different than it used to be. However, I know as my parents continue their journey home today that I get to see them much sooner than last time. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bag of cheese curds with my name on them. Time to eat my feelings with cheese :)

Forward

I feel l

I h

No words feel like the right way to start. Not only has so much happened in the last 2 years, I feel as if I have lived multiple lifetimes since then. I won't get into big details about certain things for privacy, and especially because it involves my kiddos. As much as I love sharing things about them, there are some things I feel I don't have the place to divulge too much.

First and foremost, Jill was diagnosed with ADHD. After struggling to find the right medication for her, we have found a good one. Is it perfect? No. It is not such a high dosage that she's a different kid either. We also have her seeing a therapist once a month to have a space of her own. 

Second, David recently, (as in October of 2020), developed a form of epilepsy. He is ok, and on daily medication as well. They are not the type where he shakes, but he does have some atypical symptoms. 

Third, I had some church trauma happen that apparently I still have a hard time with. This one will be the hardest to explain, if I ever do. I guess I'll see where the Spirit takes me.

Throw in all the normal stuff that has happened, including a GLOBAL PANDEMIC, and you just made a perfect shitstorm that has put me in an awful place. I have gotten so good at masking my pain that even I don't realize the true depths at times. 

One foot in front of the other. Baby steps. Crawl. Keep moving forward.

This Easter

Something I need to share here is the fact that I have been struggling with my mental health.

As you may recall, I was diagnosed with Post-Partum Depression after David's birth. After a few months on some medicine, I was able to successfully get off the medicine.

Just before Lottie was born, I was suddenly getting extremely anxious about being in the car. I honestly think it had to do with the fact that I was rear-ended just before I found out I was pregnant with Lottie, then I had my subchorionic hematoma that made me nervous. I started taking medicine for anxiety, and ended up having to stay on it for my pregnancy with Lexie.

Despite being in the care of a trusted nurse, and then a new Primary Care Physician, I was still feeling extremely tired, and that I was just not getting a handle on the whole I-am-caring-for-4-tiny-humans thing. At my annual check up with my OBGYN nurse, she told me that I was no longer considered post-partum, and was suffering from regular anxiety and depression. I don't know why, but that was extremely hard to hear. I'm sure it had to do with my wanting to hide behind the "post-partum" label to convince myself it was temporary.

After getting on some different medicine, (which is actually the medicine I took after David's birth), and seeing a psychologist, I'm starting to feel more like myself again!

This Easter, I feel joy!

Not that I didn't feel happy the last 2 years. I had moments where I felt happy, loved, and thankful. This year is different though. We had a very busy weekend filled with family activities, birthday parties, church, etc. By the end of the day yesterday, I was completely wiped. But all weekend long, I felt joy. I felt able to smile at every picture. I felt able to get through Lottie's major meltdowns that were happening once a day all weekend. I felt able to say I was happy, and feel that all the way down in the depths of my soul.

I am a little sad to think that I missed out on 2 years of feeling like this. Mostly, I feel thankful, free, and positive. I think I've been functioning at such a low level of energy and joy that I am still pretty tired at the end of the day. This is a good tired though. I feel like I'm able to look at my life, and enjoy even the sticky parts.

This Easter, I am more thankful than ever for the sacrifice of Jesus, and the promise of a clean slate, and everlasting life.

He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed!

{David, Lottie, Jill, and Lexie}
{Easter 2019}

Well Hey There!

It's been a hot minute since I've been here. How've ya been?!

Lots of life has happened since my last post, so I'm not even going to attempt to play catch up. I was trying out some YouTube because I felt like videos were easier. Then I had storage issues. Now the video editor on our computer doesn't work anymore. I've also struggled with my mental health for quite some time.

Now, I have felt the need to blog for a long time. I'm just now feeling like I can blog again. Between trying to juggle life with 4 kiddos, and all the other life things I've had thrown my way, I am starting to feel a little more at ease.

Hope to see you soon!

David: {4 Years}

David –

You are 4 years old today! I've seen so many changes in you over the last year. It's exciting to watch you grow into the person God designed you to be, yet sad because I'm realizing just how grown up you are becoming. Thankfully, you still like the occasional hug, kiss, or hand hold from your mama :) According to our measurements at home, you are 36 lbs, 5 oz and 40 inches tall. We'll add your official stats after your well check in January.

You wear mostly 4T, size 4/5 (XS) underwear, and wear size 10 or 11 shoes.

Eating has improved slightly since your last birthday. You definitely have favorite foods, (pizza, chicken nuggets, french fries, yogurt, and vanilla ice cream), and foods you won't try. However, sometimes you are willing to try a new food. Sometimes you tell us you like something, but won't eat more than that first bite. You still get a bedtime snack, and we've had hardly any issues with throwing up bile since :) If you're grumpy from a nap, or just in general, you refuse to eat on principle. However, you usually ask for food after you've had some time to yourself.

You still have all of your teeth, and you've been to the dentist twice now. You're not a big fan, and get pretty skiddish around the dental assistants. However, your teeth still look great, and overall you did just fine at your appointments!

Sleep is still changing a bit. You've always been a good overnight sleeper, with naps being sporadic. You still don't like waking up from a nap, and get extremely grouchy when you are awake. Lately, you fall asleep 9 out of 10 times when we get in the car line for pick up at Jill's school. We gave you your own room once we found out our newest baby would be another girl. You seem to be lonely though :( We've given you a nightlight, and you tend to wander out of your room to talk to us/go to the bathroom/get some water/whatever excuse you come up with. You have asked more than once to have Lexie as your roommate once she moves into her crib. We've decided to give that arrangement a try. In a few weeks, you'll have a roommate again :)

This fall, you started a new preschool class at church! You really like school, and you are SO very smart. It's hard to keep you interested simply because you understand what's happening already. You have a few good friends, but your teachers tell me you play with everyone. You go to church preschool 3 days a week for 3.5 hours.

Potty-Training is officially complete! Something just finally clicked around April, and you haven't had an accident since. You wear underwear all the time, and do a good job listening to your body when we're away from the house.

You are a sensitive child. You feel some big feelings, and I just hope we do you justice by letting you feel them before helping you navigate through them. You're still a little flirtatious, but not as much as before. You also love introducing yourself to anyone you see. We think you're definitely an extrovert :)

Your nicknames are: Bud, Davey, El Fuego, LT, and Mister Man.

Things you love: making people laugh, smiling, giving hugs, Mickey Mouse, Paw Patrol, Ninja Turtles, pizza, mama's phone, music, Grossery Gang, Shopkins, cookies, being a big helper, being as active as possible, asking a million questions, volunteering first, changing your mind, being tickled, hanging upside down, Storybots, YouTube, the Spanish Alphabet song, learning/listening to Spanish, Batman, your Woody Shoes (cowboy boots with Woody from Toy Story), and being a sweetheart.

Things you don't love: Getting a haircut, being interrupted, loud noises, being alone, not being listened to, having toys taken from you, and being sent to your room.

Last time I wrote an update on you, I had no idea that I was pregnant with your last sibling. In fact, we found out on December 17th that our family of 5 would become a family of 6! You took the news a bit better this time, and even asked to hold Lexie a lot more than you ever did with Lottie.

You're a great little/big brother to all of your sissies! I'm sure you were hoping our last baby would be a boy, but you seem pretty happy to have Lexie around now :) You are usually gentle, though seem to be the roughest/toughest on Lottie. I hope you become nicer to her over time. She sure does love you! Jill seems to still be the sister you are closest to. You seem to really admire and love your sister, which makes this mama's heart melt!

David, I am so grateful that you are my son. You make me laugh harder than I thought I could, and you make me feel incredibly blessed. Life is extra joyous with you around. You make us proud, and we are excited to see what year 4 brings. We love you, Bud! :)

Comparisons:

{Left: 1 Month Right: 4 Years}

{From Left to Right: 1 Year, 2.5 Years, and 4 Years}

{3 and 4 Years Old}

{Left: Jillian 12/2015 Right: David 12/2017}

{Read Jillian's 4 Year Update Here}

Lexie: {Three Months}

Lexie –

You are three months old! You are officially an infant, and no longer considered a newborn. Wait a moment while mama wipes away some tears.

According to our measurements at home, you are 11lbs, 6oz and 23.25 inches long.

Newborn clothing is officially gone. Mama had a really hard time with this since you are our last baby. We love watching you grow, even though we love squishy newborns. 0-3 month outfits, and a few 3 month clothes what you are wearing. You tolerate socks, but see to like it better when they're off. You are wearing size 1 diapers. We tried giving you size 1 for overnight, and newborn during the day to get rid of the rest of our newborn size diapers. However, you started having too many leaks and blowouts. 

Mama is finally done pumping. There's still some milk in the freezer that we'll combine with formula until it's gone. We did learn that you do NOT like cold milk. We bought a bottle warmer, and that is much better to you :) You eat between 4 and 4.5 oz 6 times a day. Still love the MAM pacifiers exclusively. You still spit up, but we're hoping you won't need special formula to stop you. If it starts to really bother you to spit up that much, we'll do whatever it takes :)

You are still a great sleeper! You can go anywhere from 6.5 to 8ish hours overnight. You nap best swaddled in your bed with the giraffe on. If we're out and about, you usually sleep through noise if you're tired enough. You get overtired pretty easy, but will fall asleep if we hold you.

Bath time is improving. You're not overly excited about it, but you are usually calm during the bath. Once mama started using a different lotion for you, you don't get as worked up for your bottle after bath as you used to. You are very content with the routine of bath, PJs, then bottle. As long as the bath is at bedtime, you will drift off to sleep very easily after the bottle. Mama has only had to give you a bath during the day once so far. Just keep those diaper blowouts to a minimum, and mid-day baths won't be a thing ;)

You may have smiled for Daddy first, but you did laugh for mama first! Your laugh is more like a grunt, but you smile really big when you do it. Also, you scrunch your nose when you smile really big, and we just love it! You are starting to notice your siblings a little more. You've smiled for them a little bit too. David insists that he wants you to be in his room, but we're not entirely sure if we'll do that or not. For now, you're still sleeping in the Pack n Play in Mama and Daddy's room. Floor time is still a struggle to get done. In fact, Lottie dropped a book on your head the last time you were on the floor :( You were ok, but mama felt really guilty that she didn't save you in time. You do like to stretch out on the floor a few times a day. After the book incident, mama does it when Lottie is napping. Even without lots of time on the floor, you have pretty good head control for your age!

Halloween was your first official holiday! We had a fall festival at church a few days before, where you were dressed as a banana. On Halloween, it was cold, and looked like it might rain. We met some friends at IHOP, and had dinner together. After that, we went home where you slept through the Curious George Halloween movie that your siblings watched before bed. I'm sure you were underwhelmed by your first holiday, but we were sure glad to celebrate Halloween with you!

Some things I want to remember about you:

You love MAM pacifiers the best. We tried other kinds, but you are not interested. You love to snuggle close, and we love that. You have some cradle cap, and a little bit of dry skin on the back of your arms. However, we're being more consistent with some specific lotions, and it is calming down. Your first overnight trip to Tulsa went very well! You were great on the drive up, and you slept just as well as you do at home. Your main nicknames have been Sugie, Boo Bear, and Lexie Grace. You don't do it often, but your cry means business! For the most part, you only get really upset when you're ready to eat, or be held. Mama and Daddy are happy to hold you when we get a chance :) We will not be traveling for the next two holidays, which is probably for your best interest! We want to keep you as healthy as we can during cold and flu season. Your eyes both get pretty goopy. We suspect you got the cold that was circulating the house, but your eyes were goopy before that. We've had to suction your nose just a few times, and you HATED it. Thankfully, you forgive mama pretty quickly :)

Lexie Grace, our family is so blessed to have you in it! You are the sweetest little baby, and we're looking forward to learning more about who you are in the coming months. Love you, Sugie!

And some outtakes:

And a few comparisons:

{Lexie at 1, 2, and 3 months}

{Left: Jillian 3/2012 Middle Left: David 3/2014 

Middle Right: Lottie 11/2016 Right: Lexie 11/2017}

{Read Jillian's 3 Month Update Here}
{Read David's 3 Month Update Here}
{Read Lottie's 3 Month Update Here}

Lottie: {15 Months}

Lottie -

You are 15 months old today! Your personality is really coming out, and it's been mostly fun to watch! According to our home measurements, you are 21lbs, 14oz, and 29.75 inches long. Update: At the doctor's appointment on 11/3/17, you were 22 lbs, 0oz and 30 inches long!

You are in mostly in 12 Month, and 12-18 Month clothes. You should wear size 3 shoes, but we currently have 1 pair of size 4 that fit ok. You wear size 4 diapers. You wear mostly Luvs brand during the day, and Huggies Overnight for bed.

Eating is not easy with you. You don't want to eat most of the time. You are far too busy to slow down for a meal. We can get you to eat dry cereal, plain bread, peanut butter and crackers, Goldfish, Cheetos, and chicken nuggets. Otherwise, you only want whole milk. Sometimes, mama can trick you into taking bites by playing a game. It works about 75% of the time. You LOVE milk, and balk at the offering of water. You no longer use bottles, but you are the first baby in our family to use soft spout sippy cups. You've tried straws, but don't have the patience for them. We're hoping to get you to a place where you're more willing to eat food. We'll see how long it takes.

You have 12 teeth! 6 on top and 6 on bottom. You don't like us checking your mouth for teeth, but you love touching mama and daddy's teeth! Your molars were the most painful so far to get. We think your canines are coming, so we'll see how that goes. 

As of August, you are walking! It took you several days of working up your confidence to start walking. However, you now do it like you were born walk! Sometimes, when you try to walk extra fast to keep up with your older siblings, you topple over. You rarely get hurt, but you definitely cry for some sympathy! You've just about mastered getting up without holding on to anything for support. The one thing mama loves about you walking now is that you're still cuddly! Your older siblings were too independent for hugs and snuggles once they began walking.

Sleep is great! You take a really good nap in the afternoon, and will snooze often when we're in the car to pick up brother or sister depending on the time and day. You are usually in bed by 8:30, and you sleep until 7:15-7:30 a.m. You have slept in on occasion, which is nice for mama sometimes :) With a few exceptions, you wake up in a happy mood, and look forward to your first cup of milk.

You are wanting to play with toys more and more. It would be even more fun if your older siblings played with you. Sometimes, they shut you out of their games, and mama can tell it makes you pretty sad. Hopefully you can all 3 play together well in the coming months. Also, you're suddenly very much attached to mama. You cry when I put you in the church nursery, and cling on to me when we're out and about. You just started pointing, but not when we ask you to point to things. In the last few weeks, you have become very chatty! The main "words" you have are: dada, mama, yeah yeah, did it, and sissy. Lately, you will make these LONG string of sounds as if you're saying full sentences. We'll just help you with your vocabulary. We're starting to wonder if you'll be the chattiest in the family! You also pretend talk on the phone! It's hilarious to watch, especially if you are using something that's clearly not a phone. You can go from happy to crappy butt real fast. Tantrums are in full swing, and you have most certainly learned from your older siblings. You'll screech at the top of your lungs when you're frustrated. You also shake your head violently from side to side and lay on the ground when you're mad. It's hard to be mad because you're still so cute and precious. However, we are all looking forward to you using your words and getting out of this phase ;) You love to crinkle your nose when you smile, and you laugh when you hear someone else laughing. You just want to be in on the fun!

Some of your favorite things include: Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, music, dancing, your jewelry box toy, playing with your hair, walking on your own, sliding, anything Mickey Mouse, milk, Goldfish crackers, Little Einsteins, and being with your mama and daddy.

Since your last update, you became a big sister. It's so crazy to say that! Two days after your birthday, mama had your little sister, Lexie. You love her when you remember she's around, but you love her a little too rough. You can say "sissss" when we ask who she is. Even though you still don't take a pacifier, you were taking Lexie's from her. We had to put a stop to that! You don't seem to be very jealous with her around. However, it is hard for you to understand why you can't get mama or daddy to hold you if we already have Lexie in our arms. I'm sure the two of you will be extremely close as time goes on :)

Lottie Dottie, I am so enjoying watching your personality bloom! Your smiles are contagious, and we love to laugh with you. Thank you for being the strong, snuggly, sweetheart that you are. Happy 15 Months, Lottie Pop!

Now some comparisons:

{Months 3, 6, 9, 12, and 15}

{Left: Jillian 3/2013 Middle: David 3/2015 Right: Lottie 11/2015}

{Read Jillian's 15 Month Update Here}
{Read David's 15 Month Update Here}