Essentially, her left ear is perfect. Her right ear has moderate-severe to severe hearing loss. That means she is not completely deaf in that ear, but it's pretty bad. Fortunately for her, with one good ear she shouldn't have any issues with her speech and language development. It will be hard for her once she starts school so she may or may not need a hearing aid for that ear. We go back in 2 1/2 months for another test to see how things are. They don't want any more loss or for her left ear to experience any loss. We received a card for some ear doctors and we had lots of information thrown at us.
I know this is not the end of the world. I know that she is otherwise healthy and will be with us for several years. It's still such a blow to us. We have no family history of this. I had no difficulties with my pregnancy that would have caused this.
However, I am taking it pretty hard. You just don't expect this to happen to you and your child. I went through so many scenarios of what I could have done to cause this. What I didn't do enough of to prevent it. In the end, I know this isn't my fault. It would have happened no matter what and she is still my beautiful little girl. If I could take her place, I absolutely would. I would sacrifice my sight, my hearing, anything to give her 100% hearing.
I worry about her being teased by other kids if she wears hearing aids. I worry about the teasing if they figure out she can't hear on one side. I worry she'll be frustrated if she's not musically inclined since both Phil and I are very much so. I worry she'll have trouble in school. I worry any future children we have will have this problem or worse.
My mom pointed out that she won't know any different for quite awhile. She will just know how she hears things. I also know that this is upsetting me more than it is her. She's not in pain and it doesn't change who she is.
I won't lie... I have cried several times already. I am scared. I am worried. I am angry. In a sense, I am mourning. Not only am I mourning for the opportunities I fear Jillian will miss out on, I am mourning for my expectations as a mother. No longer will my days be noted by leisurely play dates, trying new foods, and learning to walk. It will include trips to the speech pathologist, the ear doctor, and playing games specifically to help Jillian's speech.
Deep down, I know that I have the strength to do this. I will do anything for my daughter. I just need a little time to be sad and scared. I just need to let it all out so I can be there for her. I will not let this define her. I will not let it hold me down. We will be alright.
I'm sorry to hear this, Courtney. I know it's nothing you expected, nor is it anything you could have prevented, but try to look at it in a way that it could be so much worse. Like you said, your little girl is perfectly healthy otherwise, and that is a huge blessing. That doesn't water down the shock of this or the issues that may arise with this hearing issue - just trying to be positive. I'm sorry you guys have to go through this.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your support and encouragement Laura! It really means so much to me. It's definitely not what I envisioned as a new mother, but I know we can get through it with God's help :)
DeleteI am so so sorry. I can only imagine how hard that news is to take in, but I'm SO glad you realize that it was through no fault of your own. This stuff just happens sometimes and it's a blessing that she has no problems with the left ear! I think she'll do just great, especially since she will learn to work with what she has. But like Laura said, I know it's still shocking news so you take your time and deal with it as you need to. We're all thinking of you and I'm here for you!
ReplyDeleteThanks girl :) I really appreciate all the support! I'm sure once all the mommy-guilt subsides, I'll be ready to tackle this head on.
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