I love this precious face more than anything. Honestly though? I have been feeling disconnected lately. The interesting thing is, she's doing so well. Overall we're really learning her cries & clues and starting to feel a little more in control of this whole parenting thing. What I'm feeling is only every so often and not constant. Sometimes I'll look at her and just feel overjoyed to have such a sweet baby in my life. Other times, I'll look at her a feel like she's not really mine, or like she's a stranger. Phil really thinks the feeling will go away with time, but I'm going to keep an eye on it. It does not keep me from taking care of her, but I hate looking at Jill and feeling anything that isn't happy. I don't want to come off ungrateful for this gift since I know so many who can't have/are struggling to have children. If it doesn't get better in the next week or so, I may call my doctor. I have my 6-week post partum appointment on the 23rd, but I don't want to wait that long just in case it gets worse.
I'm not trying to be all "woe-is-me" or anything. I just feel awful lonely sometimes. I'm sure that part will get better when I can drive again. Plus, with it being so windy for the next week or so, I don't even want to take Jill for a walk. I don't want to subject her to that since her immune system is still so weak.
In other news, I'm wrapping up my goals for the year so my next post will be my 2012 goals! Also, I'm determined to not become just a mommy-blogger. It is consuming my life for now, but I also want to keep my individuality so I don't lose who I am.
I will brag on Phil though. He's a wonderful man who's really doing everything he can to support me. He's been really great about helping with dishes and laundry or even burping Jill when I have trouble. It's also so sweet to watch him interact with Jill. For a guy who didn't really want children when we first met, I think he's happy that he changed his mind :) He keeps saying things like, "Well blah blah for next time..." or "It'll be ok for the next one." I always wanted a big family, but I definitely could not imagine having another child anytime soon. It may be close to about 2 years or so before I really think about it. Then again, we said that with Jill HAHA Seriously though, we're going to be more cautious. I don't think I'm made to have 2 under 2!
Hope y'all are doing well!
I can't say I understand what you're going through but I know you're not alone! You are extremely blessed to have that little one and as long as she's being taken care of (which I know she is!!) then she'll be just fine. You take care of yourself and let me know if I can do anything to help!
ReplyDeleteI promise you, your feelings are normal and it will begin to subside. It has a lot to do with lack of sleep and your crazy hormones and it will get better probably before you go back for your 6 week appt. once she begins to fall into a pattern even if that pattern is up every three hours it will still feel better that there is a pattern.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, Rowan is also a spitter. A little back story, he weighed 6lbs 4oz at birth and I was also induced so my milk did not come in. I pumped for about two weeks and never could get enough of a supply for him. Anyway, at his first appointment at five days old, he was 5lbs 11oz and severely jaundice. He ended up in the hospital to be place under billi lights. That is when I really remember the spitting up starting. The next week his dr switched him to soy formula for the spitting up and it didn't help, it also constipated him horribly. The next week they decided he likely had reflux (which is also way more common than I thought) they prescribed him zantec. That helped tremendously! It was a huge difference! He stayed on the soy for another 6 weeks I think and also we began mixing a ver small amount of rice cereal in his bottles. Well the soy milk plus the rice cereal was a horrible cocktail and made him so so constipated he had to take special medicine just to be able to go. So finally we switched back to a milk based formula and to oatmeal cereal and he is doing great. He still takes the zantec and he still spits up sometimes too. I could probably tell you one zillion more things but I will save it. If you ever have a question or need some reassurance please email me. I have found having other moms to ask questions to helps tremendously. It gets better I promise! And don't feel guilty about asking for help, accepting help or feeling relieved when someone else takes over for an hour or two. Megane.gill@yahoo.com
I'll ditto what Megan said about your feelings being totally normal! No sleep + hormones = weird mama. I will tell you too that I looked at E like she was a stranger for several weeks. And she was a stranger to me, just like Jill is to you. They come from our bodies, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't take time to get to know them. Somewhere along the road though, that went away. But you're not alone! Trust me!
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