Thursday, February 25, 2010

Leave The Work For Someone Else...

Things are looking up for Cleo :) We bought some wet food for her and she ate it up! The only problem is, because our other two cats are really COWS in disguise, we have to take turns watching her eat so that they don't steal her food. We give them PLENTY of dry food, but that's not good enough for them apparently =P Oh the life of multiple cat owners...

Yesterday was A-mazing :) I only had my 8 am class to go to due to what's called the LA Symposium at school. It's pretty much an entire afternoon of political science discussion panels. We're strongly encouraged to go, but I decided to stay home. To be honest, I didn't even make it to my 8 am class. Let me explain that one. My gas light came on as I got home the day before and I promised Phil I'd remember to get gas before I left for school the next morning. I've been really exhausted lately and I can't seem to make myself get out of bed until 7 am. This is bad news bears since I have to leave by 7:20 to get to school on time. Plus, I had been late the past 2 classes and didn't want to look bad. So I wake up far too late again and walk out the door around 7:28 am. Ok, I think I can still make it! I jump in my car and notice a thin layer of frost. Great. So I turn on my car and start to crank up the heat to get rid of it. As I reach for the scrapper, my gas light *dings* at me to remind me I need gas too. Ok, if I just had to get gas or just had to defrost my windshield, I would have been fine. Both? That was a sentence to being late... again. So I said "forget it!" and just went back inside :)

Phil and I had already planned to hang out since I didn't have class, so we just started a little earlier! We watched some more of Season 1 of How I Met Your Mother before heading out to Mardel's and Borders. We walked around and had a nice time. Then we went home and had a nice lunch together. After lunch, we used my Fandango gift card to see "When in Rome"! First of all, it was a cute and funny movie. Second of all, LOVE matinee prices!! Even with a $2 online processing fee, we only spent $9.50 so I still have $15.50 on my gift card!! Sweet :) Then we went to a local froyo place called Pink Swirls, walked to Petsmart to get some wet food for Cleo to try. Then we went home and fed her/relaxed a little bit by watching the last 2 episodes of HIMYM Season 1. I told Phil we needed to do something fun since the last episode was a little depressing. We went to Hobby Lobby were I saved 50% on the entire purchase because of some great sales going on! I'll have to post pictures of what we got :D Then we tried to get my car washed before more rain and snow come, but the only Shell car wash in town wasn't working. Phil traded cars with me for the day to wash my car. How sweet! :) Anyways, then we went home, had a nice dinner, watched some tv and baked some brownies! Did I mention it was a GORGEOUS day outside?!! There wasn't a cloud in the sky and even though it was only in the 40s, it was pretty warm :D I love mental health days!!! I really needed it after the day I had before.

Speaking of gorgeous weather despite the gray, rainy/snowy winter, can I just say I love this commercial?! I especially like the cheesy ring around his mouth :) It makes me ready to be in Jamaica again...


Hope y'all are having a great day!

Peace to you,

"Perfect Day" by Hoku

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

My Poor Head Is Aching, My Sad Heart Is Breaking...

I did survive my week and even had a good score on my Business Communications test! However, starting Saturday, things are quickly going down the wrong path.

I rearranged the furniture in our bedroom on Saturday. I'm the type of person that needs to move things around every so often so that I don't feel stagnate. That of course blew out my back because I'm getting older and my right forearm has been sore ever since. I was confined to a heating pad most of the rest of the day Saturday.

Sunday I was liturgist at church. Our printer at home has some issues so I usually print things off at school or work. Well, I didn't get a chance to do that with my liturgist "script" so I decided to print it off at church. 20 minutes later, the service is about to start and it WILL NOT print. Great. So I write down the prayers and wing it. I did pretty well considering, but I definitely don't want that to happen again. Also, it's the season of Lent. That means it's a more somber type of atmosphere correct? Well, it is in my church. Could you then explain to me why our pulpit supply this week, who happens to be our interim's ordained wife, decided to end her sermon with the choir singing the chorus to "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon? I mean, kudos to her for being energetic and all, but here are the problems I have with that. 1) We're Presbyterians, we don't do stuff like that. We sit in the pew we have for 50 years and never do anything differently. 2) It's Lent. It's not really appropriate to do something like that. 3) It's a little hokey if you ask me. The best part is, the older man in our choir, (who I named my car after because when I accelerate, it sounds like a grouchy old man), who has the key to the choir room got offended by this and left after the sermon. This means, the choir was locked out for awhile after service. So yeah, that was just the service on Sunday. My back was still sore, but I tried to relax as much as I could. I then had a youth group meeting so we could plan our Easter Sunrise service. Of course there was a little fight amongst the siblings about including the Easter Bunny or not. An hour and a half later, we finally get through it and call it a night. I wait for Phil to get home and we're in bed just a little before 1 am.

Monday I wake up and I just can't get myself out of bed. I know my class starts at 8, which means I need to leave the apartment NO LATER than 7:25 if I want to be on time. I finally roll out of bed around 7:05 and suddenly remember my test that was moved to that morning. Great. So I eat something fast and head out to school. First class goes alright and I get my test back. I'm pretty happy with the results and wait for the class to end so I can start studying for my next test. I go buy scantrons at the bookstore and sit down to study. I realize I only have 1 our of 2 power points printed off and my book is in my car. Awesome. I do my best and proceed to do the crossword puzzle in the school paper. Hey, if I cram, I won't do very well. I go to class and the test isn't too bad. There's always a few questions were you think "What are you even asking?! Is this really a question?". Overall, I think I did well :) Then I go home for lunch, but discover nothing sounds good. I eat a small sandwich and an apple. Lately apples have been making me nauseous, but I know I need some fruit in my life/diet. I get back to school, and try to stay awake for my next two classes. By the time my 2 pm class ends, I have a headache, which has been happening a lot lately. I think I'm focusing so hard in that class so I don't fall asleep that I end up giving myself a headache. Cool beans. I get home so that I can nap/relax until a 7 pm meeting at the church where I'm the youth director. After that, Phil and I eat dinner, (Salads from Rib Crib), then go to Edmond for my OIL meeting. Of course there's always drama there and we get home around 11:15 ish.

I had commented the day before that my first cat, Cleo, had been looking really small lately. We feed the cats but she doesn't seem interested. I try to make her eat, but she just drinks water. Concerned, I put her in the large closet with food and a litter box, (so the other cats wouldn't eat her food), to see if she'd eat anything. I check on her this morning and she didn't touch her food at all. I tell Phil I'm getting concerned and he informs me she's been acting like this for about a week as opposed to the 2-3 days I was thinking. So now I'm in panic mode. I just don't want her to be in pain and I hope she's ok. Phil is taking her to the vet this morning. However, if it's really serious, we don't have the money to help her so we may have to put her down. I know that's really worst case scenario, but I'm just so worried :( I've had her for a little over half my life and I do love her. I know I joke about how she's so grouchy and stuff, but I really care. She's my baby! I remember my mom writing me letters when I was at summer camp and she always told me that Cleo would sleep on my bed every night I was gone as if to say she missed me. I'm trying to keep my mind busy at work, but so far it's all I can think about.

EDIT:: Her tests came back and she's going to be ok! Her kidneys are actually functioning really well for a cat her age. She does have a small increase of enzymes in her liver which could show the beginning of something. However, the vet said, as long as she starts eating again by the end of the week, she should be ok :)
I know nothing I've said is super horrible. I just worry that things will get worse before they get better. I'm holding on to hope that everything will turn out ok. *sigh* I'm just a little emotionally exhausted right now.

I hope y'all are having a better day :)

Peace to you,

"When I Was A Young Girl" by Feist

Thursday, February 18, 2010

He Moves His Words Like A Prize Fighter...

Well, I'm at least posting every week consistently... yes? haha

This week was a little crazy for me anyways on top of everything else going on. Let me explain everything else.

As I've said before, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) in late October of last year. Knowing this affects much more than just my chances of having a child, I knew it has lots of health issues as well. I recently paid my debt to the public library and can now check out books again :) So I went overboard, as I usually do, and two of the books I checked out are about PCOS. Well, one is very helpful while the other is very "doom and gloom". As in, being the hypochondriac I am, it's not good for me to read a book that it pretty much telling me I'll at least develop type 2 diabetes if not develop that AND have cancer and heart disease. Awesome. So, despite my original freak out, I have decided I want to change my eating habits to as little sugar as possible. Both my dad's dad and my mom's mom developed type 2 diabetes and I really don't want to go down that road. I've been trying to find cookbooks and helpful things, but there's just so much information out there. I'm still trying to sort it all out.

On top of that, I have been seeing the fertility specialist who diagnosed me. Mostly because I wanted as much information as possible. If it's going to be hard for us to have children, I want to know how hard and what are my options. Pretty much, we are down to one last test this month. If the test comes out positively, then it'll take awhile, but we can definitely have children. If it comes out negatively, it's highly unlikely we can have children without resorting to an IVF or surrogacy. Now, I understand we are young and that was part of the point for me. I'd rather know now that I can't have children then wait until I'm nearly 40. I also understand that its not the end of the world if I cannot bear children. I know God isn't punishing me and I know that doesn't make me any less of a person. However, it does make me nervous. No woman wants to hear "you won't be able to carry a child". Don't jump all over my feminists of the world, but I feel like part of my purpose in life is to have children. I've always been the mothering type to even my friends. I'm just a little nervous knowing in less than 30 days, I'll either have good news or bad news. I guess time will tell.

So aside from ALL of this, I had 1 presentation, 2 papers (explains the blog title) and 1 test at school on top of Ash Wednesday and all the other weekly things I go through, (laundry, meetings, etc). Plus, I haven't been sleeping well for awhile now and... honestly... I would rather be in bed 89.3275% of the time.

Speaking of Ash Wednesday, I want to reiterate a point I made on twitter. If you do observe Lent, and you need a last minute idea for something to give up... instead think of something you can add! The entire season of Lent is not necessarily about being without, but about focusing for 40 days and 40 nights of ways to get closer to God as you reflect on the greatest gift He could ever give: eternal life through the sacrifice of His son. For example, I am adding 5 minutes of silent prayer and meditation after my nightly bible reading. Some people fast from sun-up to sundown on a certain day or you could start reading the bible at night. Just remember, do it for you and your relationship with Him and not because you think you have to or so that you can tell everyone about it. This is a very personal matter and I hope, if you observe Lent, that you keep this in mind until the glorious morning of Easter :)

In other news, I'm slowly getting through all the new artists/albums I bummed off my brother on Saturday. I'm starting to get into mellow-er music and he has it by the truckload. I think he likes knowing someone else in the family will start enjoying his music... and that someone will know who he's talking about when he tells us he's going to a concert ;) So far, the new groups I like are: Vampire Weekend, CAKE, Wilco and The Dodos. Considering I added a little over 1,000 songs from Saturday, I feel like I'm doing well :) Besides, I want to give them all a fair shot. I haven't disliked any of the albums yet and I feel that is an accomplishment in and of itself. Plus, he was a nice excuse to hang out with my bro :D

I hope y'all are doing well! Tomorrow is Friday which is always great!!!

Peace to you,

"Shadow Stabbing" by CAKE

Thursday, February 11, 2010

In Dreams You Will Lose Your Heartache...



It is only 9:19 am on Thursday, February 11, 2010 and I'm already having a day like this picture. Seriously?! It's not even 10 yet :( I wish I could have just stayed in bed. Maybe watching "Shrek 2" will make me feel a little better. Seeing the sun should would...

Moving on... I do have a request from anyone who reads this blog. I don't care if it's your first visit to my blog, but I am in need of some advice. In almost a month, (WOOT!), Phil and I are traveling to San Diego to visit some really good friends of ours! We'll only be there a few days, but we definitely want to see as much as we can. Now my friend emails me and starts listing off things we could do as a group and towards the bottom of the list she says "and there's always Disneyland". My eyes bugged out and my jaw immediately dropped. I toss my laptop to the side, run up our stairs to the bedroom and scream at Phil, (sorry baby), "GUESS WHAT!?!?!? CARRIE IS OFFICIALLY MY FAVORITE PERSON EVAARRR!! YOU KNOW WHY?!!? SHE OFFERED TO TAKE US TO DISNEYLAND!!! Just for an afternoon, but DISNEYLAND!!!!!!!" Yep, I'm a tad excited ;) I've loved everything Disney for as long as I can remember and I personally believe it's a crime against nature that I've never been to EITHER park before.

So my advice request is....
If I only have about 4 hours there, what is a MUST in your book? I don't even know where to start! I will take any and all suggestions and then let you know the plan once I finalize it :) Sound fair? Great!

I hope y'all are having a better day than me. If you're not, just remember tomorrow is Friday! Yay for weekends :)

Peace to you,

"A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes" by Cinderella :)

Monday, February 8, 2010

If Grace Is An Ocean, We're All Sinking...

Well, it's snowing again. UGH! Is it spring yet?! I just hate having to worry about driving around and having to miss class etc. I went to my morning classes, but the parking lot at school looked AWFUL so I went home at lunch. I think my afternoon professors will be understanding.

I just wanted to share this with you. Thanks to Kelly's blog, I've been inspired to do my own cardboard testimony. I'm sure I could have done it about anything, but this is what came to me first. BTW, watch the video on that blog entry. It made me cry... in a good way :)




Peace to you,
"How He Loves" by David Crowder Band

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Might As Well Be Walking On The Sun...

Well today was my appointment with my psychologist. Sometimes, just sitting in her quiet waiting room makes me feel better :) Long story short, the woman is magic! After just one hour, I instantly feel like I have a plan and can explain why I feel/act the way I do. I'm going back on Tuesday, this time with Phil and I know that session will be just as good :D

Work was very boring today. I was in the office all day, (minus my appointment which counted as my lunch break), all by myself. There were whole hours that went by without even a single phone call. So what did I do? Play computer games :) Oh the life I lead... Phil and I did go out and bought him some new tennis shoes! He's pretty happy with them, but he'll start wearing them once it's not so dirty and muddy outside. They're mostly white so they'd be dirty in a snap!

It's supposed to ice and snow AGAIN this weekend :( I'm so over winter. I mean, I haven't seen the sun in days, it's been foggy for a month and I'm tired of having to brave the slick roads to go to school and work and church. It's just too much!! So I'm hoping it doesn't snow... just rain, like today, isn't great either but preferable to snow and ice again. Phil says we're 4"(ish) away from a new all time record. Woopie *rolls eyes* Is it summer yet?

Speaking of snow and ice, I was told to look out in my email for some pictures of what my parents were up to today. They were so cute, I had to share :) By the way, my dad added the captions himself. Those two are hilarious!
My mom has never "walked on water" before. Now that they live in Minnesota, it's a little easier ;) I heard she was quite the sport though!

My dad took some sailing lessons this summer and apparently this is where he tipped over! HA! He looks like he's having some fun




This picture is pretty neat! I wonder if it looks like that if you're actually IN the lake.. though I doubt the GPS would be working at that point LOL
I hope y'all had a good day and that you have a safe and warm weekend!
Peace to you,

"Walking on the Sun" by Smash Mouth

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Take A Deep Breath And Say It Loud...

I feel like being very honest today.

My name is Courtney and I assume I'm a failure every time I attempt something.

...

There I said it. I don't know why, but for a long time now I just don't think I can do things. It's weird, I know, but it's just my cross to bear.

Now this isn't anything that could have been avoided by others. Nothing my parents did or didn't do/say/etc would have stopped me from feeling like this. I don't know the precise reason... yet... but I know it's my stuff. It's my personal stuff that I need to work out.

In my long winded about me, I said that I left TU because I went through a depression I just couldn't shake. Essentially what would happen is, I would get this feeling that changed everything. It's still hard to put my finger on what exactly it is, but I know it when I feel it. I start focusing on the big picture of life and start thinking to myself "If I just don't go to class today... it won't be a big deal. Besides, I have LOTS of other things to get done and I haven't slept well recently. It won't really matter later in my life how often I went to class. Plus, it's the moments we remember, not the classes. I want to do something for ME today!".

A few days like that and then I'd start to think: "Oh no, I haven't been to class in awhile. I bet the professor is really pissed at me. What if they call me out in front of the class?! What if I can't make up the assignments I missed. I didn't do them anyways and then I'd have all this extra work to do. No, better just stay in my room and relax. What's the point in going anyways?"

Eventually, this turned into: "Well, I should probably just withdraw from class. I'm not doing so well in there anyways. But then I'd only have 3 classes I'm enrolled in. That won't work so well. It's almost time for finals, maybe I'll just see what happens!?" In specific, the last semester I was there, I just spent my time focusing on the social aspect of college instead of class.

Well yesterday, I found myself starting this pattern again. I woke up knowing I wouldn't have my early classes due to the school starting later because of the ice and snow. I got up to eat breakfast, checked my email... then started watching tv. I started surfing the net for homes and things for my life when school is finally over for both Phil and I. I started to really feel tired of STILL being in school. I mean really, who takes this long to get a bachelor's degree?! IF I finish when I'm trying to, I will have been in college for 6 1/2 years. That is WAY too long for someone who has NEVER liked school since Kindergarten. I was sitting on my couch in my pjs, surfing the net when I heard a familiar voice say "Just don't go to class. It's not really worth it. Besides, who'll really care?!" I knew that was a bad sign. So I get dressed and Phil calls right as I'm leaving the apartment. I admit to him how I'm feeling and he starts telling me to not worry about it. I start to feel hot. I tell him I think I'm subconsciously trying to sabotage myself because I don't think I deserve to have a college degree. Plus then I'd prove myself right, (which I LOVE to be right), that I wouldn't have been able to do accomplish this in the first place. Bless his heart, he tries to calm me down as much as he can, but I'm starting to feel hot tears welding up in eyes and my breathing starts to feel labored. I feel a panic attack coming on and I don't like it. Unfortunately, Hubby only had about 10 minutes on his break to eat his sandwich so I let him go. Besides, I don't think there was much else that could help.

As soon as I get to school, I see that I have about 30 minutes before class starts. I speed dial my mom and as soon as she answers, the floodgates open wide. I start crying black tears, (apparently my new mascara is not waterproof), and just telling her I was just having a rough day. I admitted to her how I was feeling and that I just didn't know if I could do it anymore.

Can I just say that talking to my mom helps me anyways. However, I think having been married while she and my dad were both still in seminary, she understands the feeling of never being done with school and having the freedom to start a family and have a house, etc. She can really understand how I feeling.

We talked it over and decided it would be good for me to call up my psychologist. I've been seeing her off and on since 9th grade. She's always so helpful and she helps me figure out things on my own instead of telling me what to do. I like that method much better than others. I think just having my appointment to talk with her calmed me down too. I also believe that by telling both Phil and my mom about my feelings, it held me accountable for my actions. Before, I wouldn't tell a SOUL how I was feeling which turned into just hiding in my room and avoiding the world. I'm so thankful that I'm figuring out when things are starting to go bad BEFORE I do something stupid and ruin everything.

My mom told me that, aside from my mistakes, not failure, at TU, I'm usually the type of person who sticks through to the end and succeeds at what I want to accomplish. For some reason, I'm just so hard on myself that I'm not allowing myself to even try sometimes. Being so darn close to FINALLY getting my bachelor's, it would be stupid of me to not see this through. I'm hopefully that meeting with my psychologist will give me the refreshing my soul needs to continue and get this done!

In other words, I'm down but I'm not out. I am determined to continue to fight the good fight and get this done. I want to do something that makes me proud. I want this to be one of the few, (and I mean very few), things I am ever wrong about. Even though it feels like my life is on pause, it won't last forever (despite feeling like it is).

I hope that this didn't depress anyone. If anything, I hope it shows my human/vulnerable side and that even when I'm sad, deep down I don't want to give up. If nothing else, that's a lesson I need constant reminding of :)

Peace to you,

"Can't Hold Us Down" by Christina Aguilera

Monday, February 1, 2010

If There's Room For Dessert, Than I Want A Piece...

I always wanted to do this so here we go!

For today... 2/1

Outside my window... its dark but still really snowy/icy and cold!!

I am thinking... about how I don't really want to go to my meeting at school tonight. However, I am also thinking about how I have a great husband since he agreed to drive to school with me :)

I am thankful... for so much! My family, friends, health and having a warm, safe place to call home!

I am praying...for a few things at the moment. Luckily my God is so big, so strong and so mighty there's nothing that He cannot do!! ;)

I am reading... Mostly my books for school. I have two short books I need to finish since I want to read several "classics" before the end of the year. Oh, and Phil and I are still reading the Bible in 365 days so we read a little every night before bed! However, we are in the book of Leviticus and its booooorrrring :( Not much is happening, just stating all of God's laws for the people

I am listening... to House on TV! Its one of our favorite shows :)

I am creating... Nothing at the moment. I must remedy this with a trip to Hobby Lobby!!

From the kitchen... Tonight we ordered out, but I have two meals planned for the week, (they have about 6 servings each!). Butternut Bowties from Rachael Ray and a Ravioli Casserole from one of my cookbooks made especially for me by a wonderful lady at church

Around the house... We need to clean... and BADLY!! LOL

One of my favorite things... Right now it's sleeping HAHA!

A few plans for the rest of the week... Work, school, appointment with Cathy, (my psychologist), church choir practice, dinner with the in-laws on Saturday and YouthGroup/Super Bowl Watch Party on Sunday! Should be a good week!

I hope y'all had a great Monday and first day of a new month! I'll have time to post a bit more tomorrow at work.

Peace to you,


"Carry Out" by Timbaland ft. Justin Timberlake

But I Know What It Feels Like

This post is going to be awfully vulnerable and hard for me, but I really want to finally say it out loud. I got permission for my daughter ...