My name is Courtney and I assume I'm a failure every time I attempt something.
...
There I said it. I don't know why, but for a long time now I just don't think I can do things. It's weird, I know, but it's just my cross to bear.
Now this isn't anything that could have been avoided by others. Nothing my parents did or didn't do/say/etc would have stopped me from feeling like this. I don't know the precise reason... yet... but I know it's my stuff. It's my personal stuff that I need to work out.
In my long winded about me, I said that I left TU because I went through a depression I just couldn't shake. Essentially what would happen is, I would get this feeling that changed everything. It's still hard to put my finger on what exactly it is, but I know it when I feel it. I start focusing on the big picture of life and start thinking to myself "If I just don't go to class today... it won't be a big deal. Besides, I have LOTS of other things to get done and I haven't slept well recently. It won't really matter later in my life how often I went to class. Plus, it's the moments we remember, not the classes. I want to do something for ME today!".
A few days like that and then I'd start to think: "Oh no, I haven't been to class in awhile. I bet the professor is really pissed at me. What if they call me out in front of the class?! What if I can't make up the assignments I missed. I didn't do them anyways and then I'd have all this extra work to do. No, better just stay in my room and relax. What's the point in going anyways?"
Eventually, this turned into: "Well, I should probably just withdraw from class. I'm not doing so well in there anyways. But then I'd only have 3 classes I'm enrolled in. That won't work so well. It's almost time for finals, maybe I'll just see what happens!?" In specific, the last semester I was there, I just spent my time focusing on the social aspect of college instead of class.
Well yesterday, I found myself starting this pattern again. I woke up knowing I wouldn't have my early classes due to the school starting later because of the ice and snow. I got up to eat breakfast, checked my email... then started watching tv. I started surfing the net for homes and things for my life when school is finally over for both Phil and I. I started to really feel tired of STILL being in school. I mean really, who takes this long to get a bachelor's degree?! IF I finish when I'm trying to, I will have been in college for 6 1/2 years. That is WAY too long for someone who has NEVER liked school since Kindergarten. I was sitting on my couch in my pjs, surfing the net when I heard a familiar voice say "Just don't go to class. It's not really worth it. Besides, who'll really care?!" I knew that was a bad sign. So I get dressed and Phil calls right as I'm leaving the apartment. I admit to him how I'm feeling and he starts telling me to not worry about it. I start to feel hot. I tell him I think I'm subconsciously trying to sabotage myself because I don't think I deserve to have a college degree. Plus then I'd prove myself right, (which I LOVE to be right), that I wouldn't have been able to do accomplish this in the first place. Bless his heart, he tries to calm me down as much as he can, but I'm starting to feel hot tears welding up in eyes and my breathing starts to feel labored. I feel a panic attack coming on and I don't like it. Unfortunately, Hubby only had about 10 minutes on his break to eat his sandwich so I let him go. Besides, I don't think there was much else that could help.
As soon as I get to school, I see that I have about 30 minutes before class starts. I speed dial my mom and as soon as she answers, the floodgates open wide. I start crying black tears, (apparently my new mascara is not waterproof), and just telling her I was just having a rough day. I admitted to her how I was feeling and that I just didn't know if I could do it anymore.
Can I just say that talking to my mom helps me anyways. However, I think having been married while she and my dad were both still in seminary, she understands the feeling of never being done with school and having the freedom to start a family and have a house, etc. She can really understand how I feeling.
We talked it over and decided it would be good for me to call up my psychologist. I've been seeing her off and on since 9th grade. She's always so helpful and she helps me figure out things on my own instead of telling me what to do. I like that method much better than others. I think just having my appointment to talk with her calmed me down too. I also believe that by telling both Phil and my mom about my feelings, it held me accountable for my actions. Before, I wouldn't tell a SOUL how I was feeling which turned into just hiding in my room and avoiding the world. I'm so thankful that I'm figuring out when things are starting to go bad BEFORE I do something stupid and ruin everything.
My mom told me that, aside from my mistakes, not failure, at TU, I'm usually the type of person who sticks through to the end and succeeds at what I want to accomplish. For some reason, I'm just so hard on myself that I'm not allowing myself to even try sometimes. Being so darn close to FINALLY getting my bachelor's, it would be stupid of me to not see this through. I'm hopefully that meeting with my psychologist will give me the refreshing my soul needs to continue and get this done!
In other words, I'm down but I'm not out. I am determined to continue to fight the good fight and get this done. I want to do something that makes me proud. I want this to be one of the few, (and I mean very few), things I am ever wrong about. Even though it feels like my life is on pause, it won't last forever (despite feeling like it is).
I hope that this didn't depress anyone. If anything, I hope it shows my human/vulnerable side and that even when I'm sad, deep down I don't want to give up. If nothing else, that's a lesson I need constant reminding of :)
Peace to you,
"Can't Hold Us Down" by Christina Aguilera
Aw, hug.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I totally did the same thing my first year away at school (and sometimes I still do), where I'd for some reason or another feel like I didn't have it in me to go to class. And then the next day it was like, well, if I go NOW, it will be so embarrassing because I'll be sitting there without knowing what's going on and the professor will hate me. So then I'd never go. I was getting panic attacks, too, really bad ones, and so I TOTALLY know how you feel, and I'm bummed for you. =\ That's so great that you have such a supportive husband, mom and psychologist!
One thing that's helped a lot, now that I'm in grad school, is thinking about how I'm doing this for ME. If I miss a class--well, I'm an adult and I probably had a good reason, and it doesn't affect my teacher, it only affects ME. If I do badly on an assignment, it hurts ME, and again, not my teacher. But if I do great, yay! Go me. I think it helps because I would get so worked up about living up to everyone's expectations, and what everyone was thinking of me, etc., and turning what should be a joy--an education that I'm excited about--into this awful chore. But it really has helped to remember that I'm an adult, that I'm here by choice, that I'm the one who decides what I can and can't do and that, ultimately, it's all for my benefit, and it's a good thing.
I'll be praying for you. Thanks so much for your honesty--you are so strong. And YAY for not giving up! I know you can do it.