For one, I am feeling more and more physical pressure from David's movements. I'm not sure if he's larger than Jillian was, the fact that he's a boy, or if it's where my placenta is placed. Whatever the reason, it can get really uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong; I love feeling him move all around. It helps me know that he's doing well :) However, there are times where I nearly cry out because I am so surprised by the amount of pressure he is inflicting on me from the inside out.
Another way I'm feeling pressure is the date of his arrival. No one in particular is pressuring me in seriousness. Phil jokes that I should have David on Black Friday because then Phil wouldn't have to use days off of work for the delivery. He's mostly teasing, but it really got me thinking. I would like to have him after Thanksgiving, mostly to ensure my parents are here. {And, if I'm being honest, I really want to eat Thanksgiving meal ;)} However, after Thanksgiving can get a little hairy too. If David doesn't come on his due date, he runs the risk of sharing a birthday with my dad, an ex-boyfriend of mine, and even Jillian's birthday, (though I doubt Dr. P would let him go 9 days past his due date). I want him to be fully cooked, but with his own special day to celebrate. Is that too much to ask?
And finally, I took a breastfeeding class at my hospital last night. It was great information, and I feel a bit more prepared than last time. I'm still taking the attitude of, "If I can do it for any amount of time, that's better than not trying at all." I would really like to last as close to 6 weeks as I can, but even making it to 4 weeks like I did with Jillian will be good too. However, I got a little freaked out at the class. I started to worry about mastitis, and clogged ducts. Then the biggest issue I'm feeling pressure about is how I'm going to breastfeed. Should I try doing it exclusively in case I have a better supply this time? Should I stick with pumping since that's what I know? Which of these options will be easiest to do with Jillian around? I have no idea how simple pumping will be if I'm caring for a newborn and a toddler.
I know I'm just being hard on myself, and everything is feeling like a huge deal because David will be joining us soon. I'm giving myself a bit of a break, but it is still a bit scary because it's unknown territory. More than anything, I just want to be enough. I want to be a good mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. I'm lucky to have the support system that I do, and plan on using it often :)
More than anything, I think I just needed to get this out of my system. Just typing it out can be therapeutic!
I kind of wish I'd taken a BF class, because it was a NIGHTMARE for me--I saw multiple lactation consultants and did basically anything I could think of still the whole thing was borderline traumatic for the first four-five weeks. (It did get much better, thankfully! And I'm grateful I had lots of support and information and that we were able to keep going; it's great now.) Email me or tweet or something anytime if you ever need someone to commiserate with about it!
ReplyDeleteDavid's due date is getting so close!! Can't wait to "meet" him.
Thank you! I really appreciate your offer for support :) Most of my friends have older children, so it's nice to have a new mom to help!
DeleteIt really is so soon! I can't believe it.