But I Know What It Feels Like

This post is going to be awfully vulnerable and hard for me, but I really want to finally say it out loud. I got permission for my daughter to post about it.

My oldest has had some big hurdles thrown her way. She was diagnosed with unilateral hearing loss at 6 weeks old. Then she was diagnosed with ADHD in 1st grade. We were able to manage this with medicine fairly well, and we saw some improvements.

Then, puberty happened.

Not only did it make her ADHD medicine less effective, she was showing signs of other things. I've been asked by several parents if Jill has Autism. None of her teachers have every asked, so I don't know how I feel about being asked that multiple times. I know ADHD and autism can have overlapping signs, so I don't think we'll go through the process of getting her an official diagnosis unless she asks in the future. Even if she was on the spectrum, she would be dealing with mostly social/emotional issues. Jill was showing signs of something far scarier; depression and anxiety. 

She began picking at her bumpy skin on the back of her arm. Then she would just refuse to interact with anyone except for her brother. Then something happened in March.

The last day of school before spring break, I was subbing. Jill had done something rude to her teachers the day before, so Phil made her apologize to both of them in front of him so he knew she did it properly. Once school was done, we left for Dallas for a Taekwondo tournament David was competing in. About 40 minutes into our trip, I got a call from the school counselor telling me Jill had mentioned killing herself sometime in the future to a few of her classmates. I almost threw up. We talked some more, then Phil and I pulled over to talk. We spoke with Jill, and determined she was safe per the moment. I called my sister-in-law who is a psychiatrist for a hospital. She talked me through everything, and I felt like we had a solid plan. The whole Dallas trip was a blur between getting David ready and keeping my eyes on Jill at all times. We had a good trip, but I worried about going home. What would happen then? Could I still keep my eyes on her? Could I trust that she would be ok?

Over the next week, we talked ad nauseum to Jill. The three of us came to the conclusion that Jill was overexaggerating to show just how deeply she felt. She was so embarrassed about the apology we made her do that she just figured that was the only way to stop feeling that. Jill hates feeling any emotion that is not joy or calm. Anger and sadness are a weakness in her eyes, and she just wants to shove all those things down. It took 4 months, and a bajillion phone calls to get on waitlists, but we finally found a counselor for her that she seems to enjoy talking to. She has had those types thoughts two other times since March, but we were able to talk her through them. She told me that they are usually a fleeting thought, so she never makes a plan or anything like that. I hope she's being honest with me.

In full transparency, I've struggled with those thoughts too. I have always hated pain, so I knew I'd never go through with it. Even to this day I have thoughts that my family would be better off without me and I should just disappear and start over somewhere. These thoughts have been with me for as long as I can remember, so I understand them. Feeling things deeply is my every day reality. The difference is I never struggled with impulse control the way Jill does. 

I'm going to be really honest and say that I am terrified. I am so worried that whatever we do won't be enough and I will lose her. My faith is being tested in a way I never thought I'd have to. I don't know if I can trust God to keep her from making a fatal impulsive decision. I don't know if I ever will. All I can do is take a single step forward everyday. Some days it's only my big toe that goes anywhere, while other days I take a big step. I just hope what we are doing will be enough to give her the support and help she needs.

- Courtney

"Papercut" by Linkin Park

*Mic Tap*

Hello there, old friends!

It has been quite awhile since I last came to this space I call home. Much has happened, and I couldn't even have a fighting chance of knowing where to start. So I'll simply start here.

I have contemplated coming back multiple times, but I always stopped. What stopped me?

1) I have the tendency of assuming that, if the people I care about seem to be doing well in my absence, then my reappearance would only hinder them. It seems silly, I know. I've been working on it, truly. However, I just couldn't handle it if someone I care for suddenly starts struggling once I'm making an effort to be in their life again. I would decide it is entirely my fault, and back away again. I'm even crying as I type this because I know it's not 100% true. I just want what is best for people, and it easy to assume that I'm not that.

2) As a family, we've had a lot of things happen/change in the last few years. The main things are we have official diagnoses, and a few that are not official. Our kiddos struggle a lot socially, and it can take up most of my emotional and energy stores for the day just to make it to bedtime. It's the burden of having to navigate really tough situation with their social lives and emotional health. I feel very depleted at the end of the day, and I just couldn't find it in me to write anything. I also am still trying to recover from disordered eating. I got to almost 300 pounds, and now I'm just under 250 for the first time in years. I still struggle with believing I am worthy of nutrition even if the number isn't budging. It's hard to be hungry and want to eat, but to be afraid of it. That's why teaching proper nutrition and making food morally neutral for my children is so important to me.

3) Due to some big challenges I've faced the last 4 years, what was once music in me turned to noise. I lost my love of singing and music. I lost my confidence in my ability to serve in a church capacity. I began to question my entire life path from the last 10 years because I had to. My confidence in myself as a person, as a worker, as a volunteer, as a human being worthy of love was just flipped in the air. And the worst part about all of that was I was then made to believe that I was just overreacting to these things and no one truly did anything wrong. I am still flabbergasted. 

4) I didn't know if I could. I didn't know if I had enough in me to write. 

I truly missed writing, and we've had some goodness along the way. I am a completely different person than I was when I began blogging, but this is especially true of the last time I posted. I'm almost afraid of who I am now because I'm still getting to know her. She is wounded, and way more cynical than past Courtney, but past Courtney is still in there somewhere. I still love people and wish them all the best and happiness in the world. 

So here's to the new me, the one who is reappearing. The nearing-40 year old who wants to feel and give as much love as she can. I hope this post find you well <3

- Courtney

My Hair

I have a weird relationship with my hair. 

I rocked the bowl haircut for years, and years. Around 3rd grade, I tried having a perm, (that was quite an experience). After that, my hair went from mostly straight to wavy. Then I began doing this habit of growing it out, then cutting it short. I only did a perm one more time before deciding it's not for me. 

In 9th grade, my hair changed naturally from mousy brown with red low lights to almost jet black. Once I was in high school, I was allowed to highlight my hair. I did this until I was in college. Then the growing it out and cutting it cycle began again. My hair would get super duper long, then I'd cut it really short. This was in part because of my inability to decide how I like my hair. Also, as a young married couple still going to college, we didn't always have money for haircuts, so I just didn't go. I would box dye my hair from time to time, but nothing major. I never dreamed of bleaching my own hair. I'd help friends do their hair, but not mine. I trimmed my bangs once or twice, but never just cut bangs on my own.

The summer I had an ectopic pregnancy, I dyed my hair for comfort. Due to my wacked out hormones, my normal hair color looked way more purple than I ever intended for it to be. {Actually, I never intended it to be purple at all. Imagine my shock...} In an attempt to have control of something while I was putting life on hold to dissolve the ectopic pregnancy, I did Color Oops. I do NOT recommend this. It made my hair change texture. It went from mostly thick and wavy to coarse in places. Not everywhere, mind you, just in random spots on my hair. In hindsight, my hair was becoming more coarse than the hair of my youth. However, this coloring process really sped it up, and I was not aware of what was happening. I would notice the coarse hair and pull it out, trying to bring my hair back to the state I was used to.

Over the years, one of the things that started as a bad habit was pulling my graying/white hairs out. I starting having white/gray hairs pop up around 2016/2017 since I have naturally dark hair. It was so much easier when I was 32 because there was not as much there. I would do a few here and there, and that would be that. Now they are everywhere. In an attempt to have control/something to do/accomplish a goal, {noticing a theme about me?}, I was sit for hours and pick out every hair I could.

Can you guess where this is going?

I was creating bald spots. I even tried stopping at various points with no long-term luck. That's when I decided I would cut my hair short. It would make it hard to pull out the hairs, and my hair would grow out a bit more even again.

Nope. That helped for a bit, but I started using my tweezers to pull out the hairs. TWEEZERS y'all. Ugh. This was a habit, an OCD issue, and a nervous tick. It was always worse when I was stressed out. I would do it brazenly in front of Phil who would beg me to stop. I kept thinking, "Just this last bit of hair, and I'll be done." Was I ever done? No. Phil would have to grab my hand to stop me. 

I started to play computer or video games to get it to stop. Well, that just became a giant time suck that made me feel guilty, which in turn stressed me out, and then I would pull my hair again.

Between having it grow out due to the pandemic, not having money for it, and feeling like I looked like an 80's pop star, I got it cut on my birthday. The issue was, I went to a cheap place that's known mostly for men's cuts. It came out shorter than I wanted, and I can see some uneven sections.

As I'm reminding myself of who I am, I miss my hair so much. (Ugh, why am I crying again?!?) I miss being able to use a ponytail holder without looking like Alfalfa. I miss being able to blow dry it with a regular brush and dryer or my brush/hair dryer. I miss being able to straighten my hair without it looking strange. 

This is me telling myself to NOT cut my hair except to help with the growing out process. If I want to think about what kind of color I may or may not want to do thanks to the white/gray hairs, that's ok. Otherwise, work on taking care of the scalp and hair, and it'll all grow back.

Detox

I'm in the middle of detoxing.

Let me be clear: I am not doing a fad diet. 

Oh don't even get me started on that.

I started taking Lexapro the second time about a month before I gave birth to Lottie in July of 2016. I first took this medicine when David was about 3 1/2 months old. I realized I had postpartum depression, and needed some help. It was such a blessing because soon after starting, Phil injured himself and needed to have knee surgery. I was taking care of two small kids, and driving him to and from work until that fall. By that point, I felt comfortable enough to start weaning off of the Lexapro. It worked out so well!

The reason I started taking it before Lottie was born was due more to anxiety than depression. The month she was conceived, I was rear-ended on my way to handbell practice. It's so weird because I had convinced myself I wouldn't be pregnant because the car accident clearly bumped me too hard for the egg to implant. Wow, that's one of the few time in my life I was not fully correct {HAHAHAHAHAHA} Between he pregnancy being vastly different from my previous two, and that memory, I got incredibly anxious about being in the car. I had convinced myself that I was going to be rear-ended again, and this time it would cause more damage to me, the kids, or Lottie. I had a hard time being in the car, and it made me so anxious I would cry every time I had to leave the house. My doctor started me on Lexapro again, and that made it easier for me to leave the house. I stayed on it because of my history with PPD/PPA, and then I was unexpectedly pregnant again. It would have been too hard on Lexie to stop or wean off of it, or so we understood at the time, so I stayed on it through Lexie's pregnancy, and beyond. 

Around the time I was starting to wonder if I could go off of it, my life on a personal level spontaneously combusted. I say that, when really it was just lots of little things, then a few big things, and I was having an incredibly hard time sorting out my feelings about all of it. It involved church trauma, budget issues, feelings of betrayal, hurt, and sadness... it was a lot. With my doctor's advice, I even added a second medication to help with anxiety. 

Then, well, you know...

So fast forward to a few weeks ago. I was feeling a sort of way that made me decide I won't get any better without having counseling on top of this medication. I had a counselor for a while in 2019, but she stopped working to be at home. I still haven't successfully found someone my insurance will cover that is not insanely expensive. It also doesn't help that both my oldest two need counseling as well. I can't justify doing it for me and not them, so I do it for them and not me. {Obviously not the best choice...}

Then the first week of June, I was supposed to have a telehealth appointment to go over my medication. I accidently missed it. Last time, I was late to the appointment, and that was tough enough. Then to miss it? I felt so ashamed and embarrassed, (why is this making me cry typing it out?!), I just didn't say anything and didn't call them back. {I'll have a whole post about this later. I've got a soapbox to mount}  I had 7 days of my prescription left before I needed a doctor authorized refill. With 4 days to go, I forgot to take a dose due to being exhausted. The next night, I could only find one pill and not the other, so I skipped it on purpose. That turned into a full week before I confessed to Phil what had happened. I was given two options: call and ask for a refill and new appointment, or continue to stop taking the medication. 

I chose the latter.

At first, things were okay. Then this past week, I've been having withdrawal symptoms. I'm incredibly dizzy, I had to parent from the porcelain throne most of day Saturday, (when Phil was out of town for a church retreat), and I couldn't even drink regular tap water like I normally do. I had a breakfast sandwich, and two large fruit punch Gatorades to eat on Friday. The toughest day was Saturday, and Phil and I think that might be my peak. We're going to give it another 2 weeks, and will contact the doctor to see about weaning off instead of doing it cold turkey like I did. 

Despite the physical symptoms, I am feeling pretty good emotionally! I'm having periodic moments of joy without any intrusive thoughts. I am able to function again. I cooked dinner AND breakfast in the last 24 hours by myself! The fact that I was able to work outside of the home for a bit this school year was also a big step. 

Now, I am having other side effects. I am still easily angered, and I'm working on my reaction, especially towards my children. I am also crying a LOT easier than before. {That one makes sense though, because I would have times of being mad or upset and wanted to cry but could not.}

I have more to share, and I WANT to share. 

Let me rephrase that: I've always wanted to share, and now I feel ready and able to again. 

I never wanted to be that person that is always complaining about their life; 1) because I don't want to have a fuss over me, and 2) because there are plenty of others in worse places in life, and my problems are figure-out-able {my favorite phrase for my children}.

More to come, but know I'm still here. I've always been physically here, but mentally/emotionally/spiritually, that's a whole 'nother story.

Blessings,

The Luckiest

Today was a hard day for me.

My parents were able to come visit for a few days this weekend. They drove all day Thursday, and left this morning. It was good to see them. In fact, I had more of an emotional reaction than I was expecting.

You see, no one thought what happened in 2020 would happen. Not on anyone's radar. (Well, I'm sure someone somewhere, {like an epidemiologist or something}, had an idea something like this would, but certainly not to the degree that it did.) We got together with my folks for Thanksgiving in 2019, knowing we would probably have to wait until mid-March at the earliest before we would get together in person again. 

Then the world shut down. 

In fact, my brother and his wife had my nephew in mid-December. I was supposed to meet him around my birthday. Nope. They live in an area that was hard hit in the beginning of the pandemic, so that trip was cancelled.

As things start to calm a bit, and the world feels like we've figured out how to leave our homes momentarily, my parents made the decision to come down in early July. We rented a trailer to have in our driveway where they stayed for a few days. 

Both of my parents have jobs that deal with lots of people. They also are not spring chickens anymore, no offense mom and dad! It wasn't until I was 24 hours from seeing them this week that I got very emotional. The release of adrenaline and anxiety knowing that they were actually going to come was intense. I heard "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac on the radio and became a blubbering mess. That was the song I danced to with my dad for my wedding. I would get to hug them. I would get to laugh and cry and eat with them. I would get to watch them being grandparents to my crazy, but lovely gaggle of children. They are fully vaccinated, as Phil and I are. The thought washed over me, "We made it."

It is not lost on me how lucky we are. We all worked hard to stay healthy and get vaccinated as soon as we could. Even the extended family that did contract COVID-19 were able to recover at home. The weight of pain and suffering that so many people experienced was heavy because I could only do so much on my part to help. It was incredibly frustrating to watch people refuse to do the bare minimum for others. It was no question for me. To come on the other side of this relatively unscathed seems unfair for all those who lost so much. I'm not saying I wanted us to suffer more! No no no no. I just felt a bit guilty for where we stood. 

Of course, we're not completely out of the clear. India is still having an awful time, and there are variants that continue to appear. Our world is so different than it used to be. However, I know as my parents continue their journey home today that I get to see them much sooner than last time. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bag of cheese curds with my name on them. Time to eat my feelings with cheese :)

Forward

I feel l

I h

No words feel like the right way to start. Not only has so much happened in the last 2 years, I feel as if I have lived multiple lifetimes since then. I won't get into big details about certain things for privacy, and especially because it involves my kiddos. As much as I love sharing things about them, there are some things I feel I don't have the place to divulge too much.

First and foremost, Jill was diagnosed with ADHD. After struggling to find the right medication for her, we have found a good one. Is it perfect? No. It is not such a high dosage that she's a different kid either. We also have her seeing a therapist once a month to have a space of her own. 

Second, David recently, (as in October of 2020), developed a form of epilepsy. He is ok, and on daily medication as well. They are not the type where he shakes, but he does have some atypical symptoms. 

Third, I had some church trauma happen that apparently I still have a hard time with. This one will be the hardest to explain, if I ever do. I guess I'll see where the Spirit takes me.

Throw in all the normal stuff that has happened, including a GLOBAL PANDEMIC, and you just made a perfect shitstorm that has put me in an awful place. I have gotten so good at masking my pain that even I don't realize the true depths at times. 

One foot in front of the other. Baby steps. Crawl. Keep moving forward.

This Easter

Something I need to share here is the fact that I have been struggling with my mental health.

As you may recall, I was diagnosed with Post-Partum Depression after David's birth. After a few months on some medicine, I was able to successfully get off the medicine.

Just before Lottie was born, I was suddenly getting extremely anxious about being in the car. I honestly think it had to do with the fact that I was rear-ended just before I found out I was pregnant with Lottie, then I had my subchorionic hematoma that made me nervous. I started taking medicine for anxiety, and ended up having to stay on it for my pregnancy with Lexie.

Despite being in the care of a trusted nurse, and then a new Primary Care Physician, I was still feeling extremely tired, and that I was just not getting a handle on the whole I-am-caring-for-4-tiny-humans thing. At my annual check up with my OBGYN nurse, she told me that I was no longer considered post-partum, and was suffering from regular anxiety and depression. I don't know why, but that was extremely hard to hear. I'm sure it had to do with my wanting to hide behind the "post-partum" label to convince myself it was temporary.

After getting on some different medicine, (which is actually the medicine I took after David's birth), and seeing a psychologist, I'm starting to feel more like myself again!

This Easter, I feel joy!

Not that I didn't feel happy the last 2 years. I had moments where I felt happy, loved, and thankful. This year is different though. We had a very busy weekend filled with family activities, birthday parties, church, etc. By the end of the day yesterday, I was completely wiped. But all weekend long, I felt joy. I felt able to smile at every picture. I felt able to get through Lottie's major meltdowns that were happening once a day all weekend. I felt able to say I was happy, and feel that all the way down in the depths of my soul.

I am a little sad to think that I missed out on 2 years of feeling like this. Mostly, I feel thankful, free, and positive. I think I've been functioning at such a low level of energy and joy that I am still pretty tired at the end of the day. This is a good tired though. I feel like I'm able to look at my life, and enjoy even the sticky parts.

This Easter, I am more thankful than ever for the sacrifice of Jesus, and the promise of a clean slate, and everlasting life.

He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed!

{David, Lottie, Jill, and Lexie}
{Easter 2019}

Well Hey There!

It's been a hot minute since I've been here. How've ya been?!

Lots of life has happened since my last post, so I'm not even going to attempt to play catch up. I was trying out some YouTube because I felt like videos were easier. Then I had storage issues. Now the video editor on our computer doesn't work anymore. I've also struggled with my mental health for quite some time.

Now, I have felt the need to blog for a long time. I'm just now feeling like I can blog again. Between trying to juggle life with 4 kiddos, and all the other life things I've had thrown my way, I am starting to feel a little more at ease.

Hope to see you soon!

David: {4 Years}

David –

You are 4 years old today! I've seen so many changes in you over the last year. It's exciting to watch you grow into the person God designed you to be, yet sad because I'm realizing just how grown up you are becoming. Thankfully, you still like the occasional hug, kiss, or hand hold from your mama :) According to our measurements at home, you are 36 lbs, 5 oz and 40 inches tall. We'll add your official stats after your well check in January.

You wear mostly 4T, size 4/5 (XS) underwear, and wear size 10 or 11 shoes.

Eating has improved slightly since your last birthday. You definitely have favorite foods, (pizza, chicken nuggets, french fries, yogurt, and vanilla ice cream), and foods you won't try. However, sometimes you are willing to try a new food. Sometimes you tell us you like something, but won't eat more than that first bite. You still get a bedtime snack, and we've had hardly any issues with throwing up bile since :) If you're grumpy from a nap, or just in general, you refuse to eat on principle. However, you usually ask for food after you've had some time to yourself.

You still have all of your teeth, and you've been to the dentist twice now. You're not a big fan, and get pretty skiddish around the dental assistants. However, your teeth still look great, and overall you did just fine at your appointments!

Sleep is still changing a bit. You've always been a good overnight sleeper, with naps being sporadic. You still don't like waking up from a nap, and get extremely grouchy when you are awake. Lately, you fall asleep 9 out of 10 times when we get in the car line for pick up at Jill's school. We gave you your own room once we found out our newest baby would be another girl. You seem to be lonely though :( We've given you a nightlight, and you tend to wander out of your room to talk to us/go to the bathroom/get some water/whatever excuse you come up with. You have asked more than once to have Lexie as your roommate once she moves into her crib. We've decided to give that arrangement a try. In a few weeks, you'll have a roommate again :)

This fall, you started a new preschool class at church! You really like school, and you are SO very smart. It's hard to keep you interested simply because you understand what's happening already. You have a few good friends, but your teachers tell me you play with everyone. You go to church preschool 3 days a week for 3.5 hours.

Potty-Training is officially complete! Something just finally clicked around April, and you haven't had an accident since. You wear underwear all the time, and do a good job listening to your body when we're away from the house.

You are a sensitive child. You feel some big feelings, and I just hope we do you justice by letting you feel them before helping you navigate through them. You're still a little flirtatious, but not as much as before. You also love introducing yourself to anyone you see. We think you're definitely an extrovert :)

Your nicknames are: Bud, Davey, El Fuego, LT, and Mister Man.

Things you love: making people laugh, smiling, giving hugs, Mickey Mouse, Paw Patrol, Ninja Turtles, pizza, mama's phone, music, Grossery Gang, Shopkins, cookies, being a big helper, being as active as possible, asking a million questions, volunteering first, changing your mind, being tickled, hanging upside down, Storybots, YouTube, the Spanish Alphabet song, learning/listening to Spanish, Batman, your Woody Shoes (cowboy boots with Woody from Toy Story), and being a sweetheart.

Things you don't love: Getting a haircut, being interrupted, loud noises, being alone, not being listened to, having toys taken from you, and being sent to your room.

Last time I wrote an update on you, I had no idea that I was pregnant with your last sibling. In fact, we found out on December 17th that our family of 5 would become a family of 6! You took the news a bit better this time, and even asked to hold Lexie a lot more than you ever did with Lottie.

You're a great little/big brother to all of your sissies! I'm sure you were hoping our last baby would be a boy, but you seem pretty happy to have Lexie around now :) You are usually gentle, though seem to be the roughest/toughest on Lottie. I hope you become nicer to her over time. She sure does love you! Jill seems to still be the sister you are closest to. You seem to really admire and love your sister, which makes this mama's heart melt!

David, I am so grateful that you are my son. You make me laugh harder than I thought I could, and you make me feel incredibly blessed. Life is extra joyous with you around. You make us proud, and we are excited to see what year 4 brings. We love you, Bud! :)

Comparisons:

{Left: 1 Month Right: 4 Years}

{From Left to Right: 1 Year, 2.5 Years, and 4 Years}

{3 and 4 Years Old}

{Left: Jillian 12/2015 Right: David 12/2017}

{Read Jillian's 4 Year Update Here}

Lexie: {Three Months}

Lexie –

You are three months old! You are officially an infant, and no longer considered a newborn. Wait a moment while mama wipes away some tears.

According to our measurements at home, you are 11lbs, 6oz and 23.25 inches long.

Newborn clothing is officially gone. Mama had a really hard time with this since you are our last baby. We love watching you grow, even though we love squishy newborns. 0-3 month outfits, and a few 3 month clothes what you are wearing. You tolerate socks, but see to like it better when they're off. You are wearing size 1 diapers. We tried giving you size 1 for overnight, and newborn during the day to get rid of the rest of our newborn size diapers. However, you started having too many leaks and blowouts. 

Mama is finally done pumping. There's still some milk in the freezer that we'll combine with formula until it's gone. We did learn that you do NOT like cold milk. We bought a bottle warmer, and that is much better to you :) You eat between 4 and 4.5 oz 6 times a day. Still love the MAM pacifiers exclusively. You still spit up, but we're hoping you won't need special formula to stop you. If it starts to really bother you to spit up that much, we'll do whatever it takes :)

You are still a great sleeper! You can go anywhere from 6.5 to 8ish hours overnight. You nap best swaddled in your bed with the giraffe on. If we're out and about, you usually sleep through noise if you're tired enough. You get overtired pretty easy, but will fall asleep if we hold you.

Bath time is improving. You're not overly excited about it, but you are usually calm during the bath. Once mama started using a different lotion for you, you don't get as worked up for your bottle after bath as you used to. You are very content with the routine of bath, PJs, then bottle. As long as the bath is at bedtime, you will drift off to sleep very easily after the bottle. Mama has only had to give you a bath during the day once so far. Just keep those diaper blowouts to a minimum, and mid-day baths won't be a thing ;)

You may have smiled for Daddy first, but you did laugh for mama first! Your laugh is more like a grunt, but you smile really big when you do it. Also, you scrunch your nose when you smile really big, and we just love it! You are starting to notice your siblings a little more. You've smiled for them a little bit too. David insists that he wants you to be in his room, but we're not entirely sure if we'll do that or not. For now, you're still sleeping in the Pack n Play in Mama and Daddy's room. Floor time is still a struggle to get done. In fact, Lottie dropped a book on your head the last time you were on the floor :( You were ok, but mama felt really guilty that she didn't save you in time. You do like to stretch out on the floor a few times a day. After the book incident, mama does it when Lottie is napping. Even without lots of time on the floor, you have pretty good head control for your age!

Halloween was your first official holiday! We had a fall festival at church a few days before, where you were dressed as a banana. On Halloween, it was cold, and looked like it might rain. We met some friends at IHOP, and had dinner together. After that, we went home where you slept through the Curious George Halloween movie that your siblings watched before bed. I'm sure you were underwhelmed by your first holiday, but we were sure glad to celebrate Halloween with you!

Some things I want to remember about you:

You love MAM pacifiers the best. We tried other kinds, but you are not interested. You love to snuggle close, and we love that. You have some cradle cap, and a little bit of dry skin on the back of your arms. However, we're being more consistent with some specific lotions, and it is calming down. Your first overnight trip to Tulsa went very well! You were great on the drive up, and you slept just as well as you do at home. Your main nicknames have been Sugie, Boo Bear, and Lexie Grace. You don't do it often, but your cry means business! For the most part, you only get really upset when you're ready to eat, or be held. Mama and Daddy are happy to hold you when we get a chance :) We will not be traveling for the next two holidays, which is probably for your best interest! We want to keep you as healthy as we can during cold and flu season. Your eyes both get pretty goopy. We suspect you got the cold that was circulating the house, but your eyes were goopy before that. We've had to suction your nose just a few times, and you HATED it. Thankfully, you forgive mama pretty quickly :)

Lexie Grace, our family is so blessed to have you in it! You are the sweetest little baby, and we're looking forward to learning more about who you are in the coming months. Love you, Sugie!

And some outtakes:

And a few comparisons:

{Lexie at 1, 2, and 3 months}

{Left: Jillian 3/2012 Middle Left: David 3/2014 

Middle Right: Lottie 11/2016 Right: Lexie 11/2017}

{Read Jillian's 3 Month Update Here}
{Read David's 3 Month Update Here}
{Read Lottie's 3 Month Update Here}

Lottie: {15 Months}

Lottie -

You are 15 months old today! Your personality is really coming out, and it's been mostly fun to watch! According to our home measurements, you are 21lbs, 14oz, and 29.75 inches long. Update: At the doctor's appointment on 11/3/17, you were 22 lbs, 0oz and 30 inches long!

You are in mostly in 12 Month, and 12-18 Month clothes. You should wear size 3 shoes, but we currently have 1 pair of size 4 that fit ok. You wear size 4 diapers. You wear mostly Luvs brand during the day, and Huggies Overnight for bed.

Eating is not easy with you. You don't want to eat most of the time. You are far too busy to slow down for a meal. We can get you to eat dry cereal, plain bread, peanut butter and crackers, Goldfish, Cheetos, and chicken nuggets. Otherwise, you only want whole milk. Sometimes, mama can trick you into taking bites by playing a game. It works about 75% of the time. You LOVE milk, and balk at the offering of water. You no longer use bottles, but you are the first baby in our family to use soft spout sippy cups. You've tried straws, but don't have the patience for them. We're hoping to get you to a place where you're more willing to eat food. We'll see how long it takes.

You have 12 teeth! 6 on top and 6 on bottom. You don't like us checking your mouth for teeth, but you love touching mama and daddy's teeth! Your molars were the most painful so far to get. We think your canines are coming, so we'll see how that goes. 

As of August, you are walking! It took you several days of working up your confidence to start walking. However, you now do it like you were born walk! Sometimes, when you try to walk extra fast to keep up with your older siblings, you topple over. You rarely get hurt, but you definitely cry for some sympathy! You've just about mastered getting up without holding on to anything for support. The one thing mama loves about you walking now is that you're still cuddly! Your older siblings were too independent for hugs and snuggles once they began walking.

Sleep is great! You take a really good nap in the afternoon, and will snooze often when we're in the car to pick up brother or sister depending on the time and day. You are usually in bed by 8:30, and you sleep until 7:15-7:30 a.m. You have slept in on occasion, which is nice for mama sometimes :) With a few exceptions, you wake up in a happy mood, and look forward to your first cup of milk.

You are wanting to play with toys more and more. It would be even more fun if your older siblings played with you. Sometimes, they shut you out of their games, and mama can tell it makes you pretty sad. Hopefully you can all 3 play together well in the coming months. Also, you're suddenly very much attached to mama. You cry when I put you in the church nursery, and cling on to me when we're out and about. You just started pointing, but not when we ask you to point to things. In the last few weeks, you have become very chatty! The main "words" you have are: dada, mama, yeah yeah, did it, and sissy. Lately, you will make these LONG string of sounds as if you're saying full sentences. We'll just help you with your vocabulary. We're starting to wonder if you'll be the chattiest in the family! You also pretend talk on the phone! It's hilarious to watch, especially if you are using something that's clearly not a phone. You can go from happy to crappy butt real fast. Tantrums are in full swing, and you have most certainly learned from your older siblings. You'll screech at the top of your lungs when you're frustrated. You also shake your head violently from side to side and lay on the ground when you're mad. It's hard to be mad because you're still so cute and precious. However, we are all looking forward to you using your words and getting out of this phase ;) You love to crinkle your nose when you smile, and you laugh when you hear someone else laughing. You just want to be in on the fun!

Some of your favorite things include: Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, music, dancing, your jewelry box toy, playing with your hair, walking on your own, sliding, anything Mickey Mouse, milk, Goldfish crackers, Little Einsteins, and being with your mama and daddy.

Since your last update, you became a big sister. It's so crazy to say that! Two days after your birthday, mama had your little sister, Lexie. You love her when you remember she's around, but you love her a little too rough. You can say "sissss" when we ask who she is. Even though you still don't take a pacifier, you were taking Lexie's from her. We had to put a stop to that! You don't seem to be very jealous with her around. However, it is hard for you to understand why you can't get mama or daddy to hold you if we already have Lexie in our arms. I'm sure the two of you will be extremely close as time goes on :)

Lottie Dottie, I am so enjoying watching your personality bloom! Your smiles are contagious, and we love to laugh with you. Thank you for being the strong, snuggly, sweetheart that you are. Happy 15 Months, Lottie Pop!

Now some comparisons:

{Months 3, 6, 9, 12, and 15}

{Left: Jillian 3/2013 Middle: David 3/2015 Right: Lottie 11/2015}

{Read Jillian's 15 Month Update Here}
{Read David's 15 Month Update Here}

Footing

It's time to be real folks.

Have you ever been swimming in a pool with a shallow and deep end? The kind in backyards or hotels that usually has a drastic drop on the pool floor to separate the two? Have you ever jumped into the deep end, then swam towards the shallow end, desperately feeling for that edge so you could put your feet down and feel secure because you can start walking instead of swimming?

That's where I am.

Don't get me wrong, whether you have 1 or 8 children, adding a new life in your life and schedule can be really hard. It's not just that you lose sleep, it's also a matter of finding your footing. Are you grateful for that life, and thankful to have that person as a part of your family? Definitely! Is it hard? You better believe it.

With Lexie's arrival, things have just been non-stop. We knew it would be like that to a point, but in our defense, more has happened than it usually does. In fact, more has happened than usual for us as a family!

Jill started Kindergarten.
David started preschool.
We had to put our dog down because of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.
I've had to up my anti-depression medicine to help with PPD/PPA.
Phil's job is suddenly a little more hectic.
Lottie started walking.
Lexie was baptized.

Those are just the main things.

I'm making a real effort to get back to myself. Am I successful every day? HAHAHAHA Nope. Do I at least try? Yes!

I'm not striving for perfection, I'm just going for functioning. So far, I'm starting to feel a little more at ease. I finally feel like maybe I could really do this.

Do I consider getting in my car and driving away sometimes? Yes. Do I actually do it? No!

Raising human beings is hard. It takes several of personality traits that I either do not possess, or need to refine within myself in order to get the job done. I don't need to be perfect, and I hope I never make it seem like I think I am. So far, we're functioning. Someday, we may even be thriving!

I look forward to standing up tall and proud in the shallow end of the pool, with a big smile on my face, knowing that we made it to the edge of the pool :)

News to Me

Well, turns out my favorite free photo editor online is no longer free. Great.

So, I will be waiting until funds become available, and then I'll edit Lexie's photos for her 2 month update. I will most likely back date the blog, just for posterity's sake.

I have lots on my heart and my mind, but zero time to sit and type. It makes me long for the days of having a laptop that I could just open and type really quickly. It may take me all day to blog, but I'd be able to.

Anyways.

I'll be back, y'all. Promise :)

Lexie: {Two Months}

Lexie –

You are two months old! It's been a challenging month, but we are so glad you are here to be with us through all of it :)

According to our measurements at home, you are 10lbs, 1oz and 21-3/4 inches long. You have a doctor's appointment in 3 days, so I'll update your stats then. Update: As of 10/6, you are 10 lbs 5 oz, and 22 inches long!

You are still in newborn clothing. 0-3 month outfits are a little big for you now, and 3 month clothes are starting to fit a little better! You are still wearing newborn diapers. We'd like to finish off any newborn diapers we have. Let's see if we can make it!

Pumping is still going fairly well for mama, so that's what you eat! We have to add Vitamin D drops to one bottle a day. Otherwise, mama is able to pump exactly what you eat, so we are very happy with that! We'll see how much longer mama can/will pump. After that, you'll go on formula. You do spit up a bit, but we doubt it's extreme reflux that would require medicine. You eat about 3-3.5 oz every 2-4 hours. When you're hungry, you mostly smack your lips with your fists in front of your face. After a few minutes, you start to cry. Once you start crying, we only have a few minutes to get you a bottle. If we don't make it in that time frame, you get really mad! You'll cry loudly, and real tears stream down your cheeks. It's sad, but also cute :) We promise we try to get to you as fast as we can! 

Mama is thanking the Lord that you are a good sleeper like your siblings! You sleep about 5-6 hour stretches at night, and usually go back to sleep for a nap shortly after your feedings. We figured out that you like the rain sound on the giraffe toy we've had since your big sister Jill. That's the only white noise that helps you sleep. You tolerate the swing, but will only sleep in it if you are swaddled. You really love napping on mama's chest the best, but mama can't always sit for long periods of time. Thankfully, you're a pretty good trooper :) You do well in the car about 90% of the time. 

Bath time is just ok for you. You don't hate it, but don't seem overly excited about it either. You usually don't like getting out because you're cold! Once we get you dried off, and in PJs, you calm down.

You smiled for Daddy first, and give him lots of big smiles! You've smiled for mama a few times, but never when the camera is around! You watch your big siblings very closely, and flinch when Lottie or David are near. I think because they are the most boisterous of the crew. You don't get lots of tummy time because there's just always chaos or stuff on the floor. Mama will hold you against her chest to give you some head control practice. Otherwise, you're not on the floor much.

We did have to put our family pet to sleep. Our dog, Olive, contracted Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, and the infection got to her brain. It was pretty hard on the family, but your love and smiles helped us focus on the future :) It may be awhile before we get another pet.

Some things I want to remember about you:

You love MAM pacifiers the best. You don't really keep any other kind in your mouth. You love to snuggle close. You have some serious cradle cap starting to flair up, and you seem to have more unsettled skin on your cheeks. Mama may need to ask for advice at your next appointment. Because you are too young for the flu shot, the rest of the family will be getting them next week. Your first overnight trip to Tulsa will be later this month for TU Homecoming! You smiled for mama when she called you Sugie, so that's your main nickname with mama :) Your cry seems to have gotten louder as you've gotten bigger. Your lungs are definitely well developed ;) We've picked out your Halloween costume, but need to find it! Holidays with 4 young children requires lots of planning and prep work! Our friends had their baby girl 1 month and 1 day after you were born. You and Miss Amelia will be good friends :)

Lexie Grace, we just love you to pieces! You are a wonderful baby, and we're so blessed to have you in our family. As you continue to grow, we look forward to your budding personality. Love you, Sugie!

And some outtakes:

And a few comparisons:

{Lexie at 1 Month and 2 Months}

{Left: Jillian 2/2012 Middle Left: David 2/2014 

Middle Right: Lottie 10/2016 Right: Lexie 10/2017}

{Read Jillian's 2 Month Update Here}
{Read David's 2 Month Update Here}
{Read Lottie's 2 Month Update Here}

Lexie: {One Month}

Lexie –

You are one month old! I honestly can't believe it's already been an entire month since you joined us on the outside. Being our last baby, I'm sure you'll hear that more often than you'd ever want to ;)

According to our measurements at home, you are 8lbs, 4oz and 21 inches long. The last time you were officially measured at 3 weeks & 1 days and you were 7lbs, 1 oz, and 20-1/2 inches long.

You are still in newborn clothing. 0-3 month outfits are a little big for you now, and 3 month clothes swallow you up! You are still wearing newborn diapers.

We began exclusively breastfeeding. It was going ok, and mama was determined to make it work. However, at your 3 week appointment at the doctor, you were just under your birth weight. In a panic, mama started exclusively pumping to know exactly how much you were getting vs. how much mama was making. You were weighed at a lactation consultant appointment last week, and you were 7 lbs, 6 oz. You didn't eat as well as you did before, so it seems like you're just not staying awake/being aggressive enough to get all of mama's milk out. We go back for a lactation consultant appointment next week, so hopefully we can see what they suggest. Mama is pumping around 20 oz a day, so it should be enough for you. Mama is hoping that, once you get a little bigger, you can go back to nursing. However, if we need to just exclusively pump, then that's what we'll do. It's more important that you are fed. It would just be a little more convenient/helpful for mama if you just nursed ;)You eat every 2-1/2 to 3 hours during the day, and 3 to 4 hours at night. 

You sleep for 2-1/2 to 4 hour stretches most of the time. So far, you're a good sleeper, and can handle most of the noise levels in the house. Good thing, because it's crazy here! You are taking MAM pacifiers, though you don't seem to like any others. We'll try some different ones again, but we're fine with just one kind :) You like to be held on our chests the most. However, you do like to be cradled. You will snuggle up close, and get nice and comfy! You only wake up at night if you’re hungry, wet, or have gas.

At first, you didn't like bathing at all! It took your umbilical cord stump a long time to fall off, so you were doing sponge baths for over 2 weeks. When it finally came off, it looked like it needed another day or two to heal before we tried a big bath. Once you got in the big bath, you were not a fan of that either! Honestly, I think you just despise being cold, and you let us know you are not happy. It's getting better with every bath!

So far, you like the swing, being held against our chest, being held as much as possible, having your cheek and forehead stroked, the ocean white noise on the giraffe (not the special white noise machine mama bought OR the app or mama's phone), and having a full tummy! You despise being cold, waiting for a bottle, gas bubbles, being alone, and being tired.

You did pass the newborn hearing screening in the hospital. We just never know exactly what to expect with that, but we always know we have a great community to help us if you ever need that kind of help!

Some things I want to remember about you:

You have pretty good head control already. Being baby #4 with a older sibling just 1 year older than you, you have a tendency to get pushed on the back burner when you start to cry. You've gotten red in the face before, and we try to get to you ASAP. This is just a reality in the little years. We promise we love you, and do our best to take care of you honey! You ride in the car well, and only cry if you've lost your pacifier. If you are close to a feeding, your cry is this combination of a gasp and chipmunk yodel. It's hard to describe, but we know exactly what you want with that cry! You went to church for the first time when you were 3 days old, and baptized when you were 3 weeks and 3 days old. We have not gone out of town yet, but your first Tulsa trip will be soon. Your first holiday to celebrate will be Halloween. We're already trying to think of cute costume ideas! You haven't smiled yet, but you're close! Overall, you are adored by your siblings... maybe even a little too much. Lots of reminders to be gentle. Lottie loves to check up on you, but will always steal your pacifier, even if it's already in your mouth! HAHA No real nicknames besides Lexie Grace. Mama tried Lexie Boo for awhile, but it just didn't feel right. We'll figure something out ;)

Lexie Grace, it's a true blessing to be your mama. You're a good baby, and we're figuring this all out together. We are all so excited to see what the rest of your first year holds. If it's anything like this month, we'll have a great adventure :) Love you, sweet pea!

And some outtakes:

{She's side-eyeing someone...}

{Patiently waiting for this to be all over}

{There's a semi-smile! Or maybe just chewing on her sticker HAHA}

{Scrunching up}

{Aaaaaaand we're done}

{David wanted to take a picture with her. He wouldn't look at the camera, but he insisted on taking the picture}

{My nearly Irish twins :)}

{1? I thought I was 1 mom!}

{Sweet girls}

{Lexie with her BearCat}

{Pssst... Dada. Get me outta here!}

{Oh please, are we done now mama?}

And a comparison:

{Left: Jillian 1/2012 Middle Left: David 1/2014 

Middle Right: Lottie 9/2016 Right: Lexie 9/2017}

{Read Jillian's 1 Month Update Here}
{Read David's 1 Month Update Here}
{Read Lottie's 1 Month Update Here}

Who do you think she looks like most?

Giving Her Wings: Jill's First Day of Kindergarten

Just 2 weeks after my last baby is born, I had to send my first baby off to Kindergarten!

Honestly, I thought I'd be much more emotional than I was. I have my moments, but I'm not bawling my eyes out. Well, at least not today ;)

Jill has been waiting for Kindergarten since her Pre K graduation in mid-May. Our summer seemed so busy that we figured she would be preoccupied to not ask about it daily.

Nope.

We practiced waking up early the whole week leading up to school. Her school does not have a bus route, so we have to make sure there is plenty of time to get to the building. Also, it is an all day Kindergarten program. She was going to Pre K for half a day, 4 days a week. We had a feeling she'd need her rest.

Jill was not only ready to go, she had zero fear. No hesitation whatsoever. In fact, she comforted a classmate who looked like she had been crying most of the morning!

As a parent, I do want her to miss me a little bit. However, I feel like Phil and I have done a good job if she is going to school with such confidence. That means she knows she can go out into the world, and come back to her loving and supportive home :) {I'm in NO way saying anyone whose kids were upset and/or crying is not doing a good job. In fact, I'd argue they are doing a great job!}

She had a great first day! She did seem pretty tired when she got home. Jill said she made a friend, but didn't know any names yet. She even has a classmate that was in her earliest preschool class, though I don't think either one recognized the other! HAHA Also, as of right now, she still doesn't have any hardware for school. However, we filled out the appropriate paperwork in case she needs an FM system or something like that.

David did have a hard(ish) time. He really wanted to go into the building, but we told him not yet. At one point, I asked if he missed Sissy. His response was "No, but I NEED her right now!" He was happy to see her in the car after we picked her up :)

I can't wait to see all she accomplishes at Kindergarten this year! You go, girl!

{Showing off the Pokemon backpack}

{She has a kitty lunchbox, but they were serving pizza the first day. She'll take her lunch another time ;)}

{David insisted on taking a picture with Jill}

{Big hugs}

Just for fun, here are some comparisons!

{Jillian's First Day of Listening for Littles, Pre K, and Kindergarten}

{2013, 2016, 2017}

{Jillian's First Day of Mini 3's Preschool, Pre K, and Kindergarten}
{2014, 2016, 2017}