Sunday, April 1, 2012

One Year Ago

I can remember it like it was yesterday.

I was feeling sick right before my birthday, but I originally thought it was my Metformin reacting to the diet I just started. I had lost about 3 pounds and was feeling pretty good about myself. My birthday came and went, but something felt different. I started to wonder if I was pregnant again. A few people on facebook were announcing their pregnancies and it was just making me angry. I think I actually unfriended one of them because I just couldn't stand it.

On April 1st, I decided to take a test. I wasn't sure, but I wanted to know. After three minutes, I took a breath and looked at the test. Negative. I swallowed my pride and got ready for the day. At least I knew the answer.

With it being Lent, I made the decision to use my 20-30 minute commute to work as my private time with God. If I listened to music, it would be KLOVE. If I talked, it would be to God. I remember what I said that day.

"God, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm pretty angry. I feel like all these other people get to have children and some of them don't deserve them. It's so hard to watch the news because there is usually something about an abused child. I don't even know if I can have children. At least, I don't know if I can bear my own children. I thought I felt different. I thought we were on the same page. 
I guess I just need to cut this out. I need to listen to you. I'm just starting my life as a college graduate and Phil is still working on his degree. Since I know I'm not pregnant, please give me peace. Give me the peace that only you can give. I don't want to avoid facebook. I don't want to be upset at others for their joy. Please help me to bear this in such a way that gives you glory. I don't want a bitter heart like before. I want your peace. If I'm meant to bear children, you will find a way in the time you need. My timing is not important."

I spent the rest of the day working and trying to get through the day full of "I'm pregnant!" tweets and facebook messages because it was April Fool's Day. It really stung since I took that test earlier in the day.

When I got home from work, I decided to throw away the test and just forget that it ever happened. I picked it up and as I moved toward the trash, something caught my eye. The harder I looked, the more I could see it... a very faint line.
{It's almost more of a shadow than a line, but it's there}
{It may be April Fool's, but I'm not kidding}

Now, I'm willing to admit that I have quite the imagination. I didn't want to see this line because of what happened earlier. I wanted to see the line because I was pregnant. I just couldn't tell if I was really seeing it or not. {Looking back, I can barely see the line in photos when I was so positive I could before. Funny how that happens!}

I decided I needed a second pair of eyes. I really wanted to tell Phil I was pregnant in a creative way, but I couldn't risk not including him. He looked hard, but admitted he didn't really see anything. He told me to wait 2 days and take another test so we could be sure. If I was pregnant, the line would be darker. We went out and bought a box of tests.

Sunday morning, I woke up on my own around 5 a.m. I went to the bathroom and did my thing. After the longest 2 minutes of my life, I saw it... a faint, (but darker!), line. I smiled and laid the test on the counter. As I walked back to bed, Phil looked like he was still sleeping soundly. I crawled under the covers and laid my head on the pillow with the biggest smile on my face.

"What did it say?" Phil mumbled without opening his eyes. I told him it was positive and he turned over to give me a kiss.

With that, we waited to tell even our parents about it until after we knew my numbers had doubled the following Wednesday. I took another test as if to reassure myself that this was really happening. I called my dad and told him I had his birthday gift picked out. When he asked what is was, I told him it was a grandchild :)
{Positive Test on 4/6/11}

After we had our first ultrasound on May 2nd to make sure it was not a tubal pregnancy like my last pregnancy, we told our siblings and close friends.
{Jillian's first picture :)}

I still laugh about how I found out on April Fool's Day that I was expecting. So much has happened in the last year, but I am incredibly thankful for all of it! I also decided I would never use the "I'm pregnant!" joke for April Fool's because of what happened to me. We not huge on practical jokes anyways so I'm not missing out on much :)
{1 year later}

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