Phil's PhD

{via}

{I know Phil loves these comics and thought this was hilarious :)}

This has been one of the greatest challenges in my life. Why my life when it's Phil's degree? Short answer: I'm a control freak.

I knew getting married in 2008 would mean Phil would be a graduate student while I finished up my degree. It wouldn't be easy and we'd have limited funds for a few years, but it would be worth it. This is Phil's dream and I want to help him achieve it. I knew what I was getting into for the most part.

The part I wasn't prepared for? Papers taking a nose-dive and needing to be completely re-written from almost scratch. Experiments flat out not working. Phil toying with the idea of just quitting. I was not prepared for any of that.

The last time I mentioned Phil's degree, he was hoping to defend by the end of July and he was walking across the stage at graduation since he didn't want to wait almost a full calendar year to do so. He did walk across the stage and it was a very proud moment. It gave him an idea of what he's been working so hard for. Defending this summer? Yeah... that's not happening.

Before his advisor left for about 3 weeks in June, he found something really wrong with Phil's first paper - as in he said the thesis and conclusion did not reflect what the results of his experiments showed. Now, Phil has to write/publish 3 different papers that will become chapters in his dissertation. The first paper? He finished writing it in 2009. Now, his advisor has admitted recently that he was a little too lax with making Phil's papers a priority. He is now, now that we have a child on the way. Anyways, so he has spent most of the summer trying to repair the paper as best he can. His advisor has made it clear he will make sure Phil gets to defend by the end of the fall term so that we can see his degree before we see Jill's face. That sounds nice, but I'm honestly skeptical.

To be more honest? The hardest part for me is not being able to help him. I can't do experiments for him. I can't donate my blood to run experiments. I can't stand up to his advisor when Phil's too worried to. I can't do anything but support him. And in reality? Some weeks are harder than others. I'm tired of living off of students loans and now my full-time paycheck which is still not that large. I'm tired of living in apartments. I'm tired of not knowing when he'll get a job, where, etc. I'm tired of having no control over half my life. And most of all, I'm tired of making it about myself.

The days he came home looking for bachelor-level jobs because he was fed up, those were hard. Those seemed to happen on the days I was at the end of my rope. It took everything in me to not tell him "Yes! Get a job!". I had to swallow my selfishness and remind him that this is his dream. Being so close to the goal, it's easy to just give up when you're tired. However, he is so close he'd be mad at himself if he were to quit now. Once he was in a better place, I would admit to him how hard it was to encourage him. Sometimes I even apologized because I want to be even more loving and supportive. It's just hard to relax his fears when mine and my anxiety were taking over.

He's still not done, and he can get upset from time to time. The one thought that keeps me going is "This is temporary". At some point, he will be finished. Whether it's when his advisor promised or not, it will happen. I will get my house someday. We will find out where we will live/where Jill will grow up. We will stop living on loans and have real paychecks. I can be a SAHM if I choose when we get there. Someday, I can look at Phil's PhD on the wall, smile and know that we made it. That he accomplished his dream and it had nothing to do with me. Regardless of how mad and upset I get about my loss of control over the situation, the point of it all is Phil. This is his dream, his goal, and his accomplishment. I'm already so very proud of what he has accomplished thus far. I know I will have nothing but more admiration for the man I love when he finally defends.

My biggest hope? That he's not in the middle of defending when I go into labor! HAHA I mean that, but that's not my biggest hope. My biggest hope is that he knows how amazing he is doing. Whether he finishes his degree in two months or two more years, he is amazing period and we are very proud of him :)