Then yesterday happened.
I have admitted before that I am a hypochondriac. It's not an easy thing to live with and it's really not that severe. I can usually still function and not have it ruin experiences for me. I worry about things, but they usually work out anyways. Now I'm seeing how it affects my view of Jill.
Yesterday morning, I woke up and went to use the restroom. When I came back into our room, I checked on Jill in her bassinet as I always do. Her forehead looked blue, but the rest of her body was pink. I stared at her for a little bit and noticed she was breathing. However, seeing her forehead like that really worried me. Knowing she was breathing and not in critical condition, I called my mom. She suggested I just elevate her head so that the capillaries could circulate blood in her forehead again. I did just that and she pinked right up. It was just really scary for me seeing her like that! My fear of her getting too hot made me worried that I made her too cold. Plus, it's really hard to regulate the temperature in our apartment accurately.
Then last night, I looked in her bassinet again to check on her and noticed some spit up. I lifted her up and my hand slipped a little bit. She was jostled a little bit, but she barely reacted because she was so deep in sleep. Before I came to that realization, I worried she was unconscious due to her not reacting. I laid her on the bed and tapped on her feet, said her name out loud and after what felt like forever, (but in reality only about 20 seconds), she moved again. At that moment, Phil walked in and asked how things were going. I just lost it. I told him what happened and I couldn't stop crying. I was just so scared!
I know a little spit up is ok, especially if it doesn't bother baby. In fact, two books we have confirmed this. However, I watched her spit up a little bit ago when I was trying to get her to sleep in her pack n play. I quickly picked her up and wiped her off. I started to hold and rock her before I lost it again. I just hate feeling so helpless.
I have a perfectly healthy baby who is gaining weight. She's rarely fussy and she sleeps well for a 10 day old. Aside from being a hypochondriac, I have no other explanation for my constant fears. I am so fearful of her dying of SIDS or something happening to her.
The difference between my hypochondria with myself and with my daughter? I know that my fears for her are unfounded. I'm aware that I'm overreacting like whoa. How does any new mother survive the first few weeks? How does a new mother with hypochondria survive? Why can't I just calm down and enjoy my precious baby girl?
Someday I hope to be normal. Whether it be the loss of these extra hormones or getting help about my constant fears. Either way, I need to push through so I can care for Jill in the best way that I can.
Love, you're just a new mother... I know that isn't helpful, but it's true. All moms go through this. I was telling my mom that you were feeling this way, and she said it's true for everyone... But her advice was to enjoy all of it and not worry because it'll pass quickly. Also, my therapist would say that you shouldn't judge yourself for how you feel. It is legitimate, and it's perfectly fine. It may not feel OK to you, but feelings are just that... feelings. I know you will get through this, and worrying about her just shows how wonderful a mother you are. Love you & thinking of you... xo
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