Second, when people warn you about post-partum stuff? Listen. I didn't feel overly emotional the first week or so once Jill arrived, but yesterday was a completely different story. A few times, Jill screamed. It was never for a long time, but it was not pleasant. Then she sneezed blood out of one of her nostrils. Then she'd wake up almost every 30 minutes for most of the night.
You know what I did yesterday? Full out bawled my eyes out. As soon as Phil started to talk to me to calm me down, Jill started to cry again. I ended up calling my mom in tears. She listened well and helped me calm down. I was still sad and upset, but I didn't feel hopeless anymore. I did still cry a little yesterday. Just imagine me in pj pants, an oversized shirt, dirty/messy hair in a ponytail and dishing up dinner on a paper plate while crying black tears because my mascara is not waterproof.
Some days I just feel like I can't do this. Like I don't have the skills or patience or ability to care for a baby. I've read several books, (one specifically about colic-y babies), but I don't think I was prepared. I think I was read for the 3-4 month old baby range. Instead, I have this precious newborn who is much more vulnerable and needy than I was expecting.
Deep down, I know I can do it and that every new mom feels like this. Yesterday just exploded thanks to my hormones. My body is still healing. We've had house guests off and on for the past 2 weeks. We've experienced a major holiday. My husband needs to get back to work someday so we can pay bills. I just felt hopeless with everything that happened.
So when they warn you about post-partum depression? Listen. It can happen at any moment and may only last a day. However, it is pretty intense.
If you could just send a hug to me either through your mind or electronically, I would appreciate it. I'm a firm believer that a good hug can make a world of difference :)
Oh and just so you know, we called the on-call nurse who said the bloody sneezes was just irritated membranes since she was not actively bleeding nor had a temperature. She didn't even seem bothered by it, but it was a little scary for us.
Oh girl! I've been where you are. Just a few months ago. Just try to take each day at a time, and when that seems too long, take it each hour at a time. You'll make it! ::hugs::
ReplyDeleteI was not prepared for the emotions that came that first week. At all. I remember crying over the tiniest things...sometimes I had no clue why I was crying at all, and that only made me want to cry harder. Thankfully, it only lasted the first 2 weeks or so, then it was gone, but hang in there, girlie. And assure your husband it's normal so he doesn't get all crazy like Jarrod did. He was SO concerned about me, and through tears, I'm telling him it's normal to be BAWLING about a Tricare bill that comes in the mail. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so so sorry. I can't even imagine how you feel and what you're going through. All I can say is I'm sure this time will fly by so try and enjoy what you can with your teeny girl...I'm here for you girly, you can do it! You're a great mama already :)
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely sending you tons of HUGE e-hugs, and I promise to give you tons of real hugs when I'm there in January... I'm sorry you're feeling this way :( but just know that you ARE an amazing mom, and you can do anything & get through this... Even when times feel bleak. Love you & am thinking about you!
ReplyDelete